Newsom Signs California Redistricting Plan to Counter Texas Republicans
Acidly: California's rulers have decided to redraw congressional districts and play a high-stakes game of political chess, all while pretending to care about democracy. Governor Newsom signed redistricting bills, calling it a "fair chance." Meanwhile, he’s gearing up for a 2024 presidential run, adding some theatrics to the partisan dance. Texas Republicans, fueled by Trump’s instructions, are drawing their own maps. In this mess, democracy takes a backseat while both sides scramble for control—because why not make politics an absurd circus?
Netanyahu orders ‘immediate negotiations’ to release hostages as Israel advances Gaza City operation
Acidly: In a stroke of genius, Netanyahu has ordered negotiations to release all hostages, all while plotting a grand scheme to storm Gaza City. Let’s not get too excited, folks; it’s the classic "peace while aiming a cannon" strategy. He mentions this critical juncture and talks tough about defeating Hamas, all the while providing zero detail on who’s even in charge of these negotiations. Apparently, secrecy is part of the charm. Good luck getting those hostages back while you’re busy flexing military might, Bibi!
Ukrainian man arrested in Italy over Nord Stream pipeline blasts
Acidly: A Ukrainian man, identified only as Serhii K., was arrested in Italy for his role in the 2022 Nord Stream pipeline explosions. Apparently, he was living the high life in a bungalow before Italian police decided to ruin his family vacation. German authorities had been hunting him down, eager to label him a mastermind of this explosive escapade. As German officials pat themselves on the back for their “impressive investigative success,” let’s just say this chaos escalated from misunderstood energy policy to international drama in record time.
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SEC adds 9th league game in 2026, increases chances of playoff expansion
Acidly: In a shocking twist, the SEC, long the darling of mediocrity with eight league games, has decided to add a ninth starting in 2026. Yawn. This shift, thrust upon us by SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey, puts them on par with the Big Ten, perhaps hoping to streamline some convoluted playoff format that no one can agree on. Who knew a little more revenue from ESPN would light a fire under them? Buckle up, folks; we’re in for yet another thrilling round of “My league is better than yours.”
Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bongiovi adopt a baby daughter
Acidly: Millie Bobby Brown's latest episode isn’t a wild supernatural twist but a reality: she and her husband, Jake Bongiovi, have adopted a baby girl. Cue the Instagram post and the obligatory declarations of peace and privacy. The couple, living on a farm with a rotating cast of rescued animals – because why not? – continue the trend of marrying young and adopting even younger. Maybe they're just trying to distract us from the fact that they’ll raise a child in a greenhouse while the world crumbles outside. How adorable.
Bones of ancient child suggest humans could have interbred with Neanderthals earlier than thought
Acidly: Archaeologists finally uncovered some juicy drama from 140,000 years ago in Israel: a child, born of Neanderthal and Homo sapien love, proving that our ancestors might have gotten along better than we do in today’s dating scene. With a new 3D scan, researchers are giddy about this love child, although no DNA means it’s still a guessing game. No hostile encounters? Shock and awe! Who knew ancient humans could bury their differences? Maybe they were just saving their aggression for Tinder swipes.
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Steak 'n Shake slams Cracker Barrel CEO for eliminating 'old-timer' from logo: 'We take pride in our history'
Acidly: In a deliciously petty showdown, Steak 'n Shake has called out Cracker Barrel for scrapping its vintage logo. Apparently, the CEO decided that being "modern" was more important than cultural roots. Steak 'n Shake is all about nostalgia, slamming Cracker's attempt to “delete personality” like it's a bad TikTok trend. Meanwhile, Cracker Barrel’s stock takes a nosedive. As they struggle for relevance, Steak 'n Shake just sits back, serving tallow fries and Bitcoin payments like it’s 1934. What a time to be alive!
Every Pixel device announced at Made by Google yesterday: 10 Pro Fold, Watch, Buds, more
Acidly: Ah, the annual Made by Google show—where tech fans gather to witness the same old leaks turned into a glorified infomercial. This year’s big reveal? The Pixel 10 series, boasting impressive specs like a 100x zoom lens that might actually let you see if your friend is waving at you from five blocks away. Plus, the Pixel Watch 4, which can now detect when you fall—because you probably won’t see it coming. And for a cool $130, your headphones can now act like noise-cancelling pillows for your ears. Exciting, isn’t it?
California resident tests positive for plague after camping near Lake Tahoe - National
Acidly: It seems the great outdoors just gifted one camper in South Lake Tahoe a delightful case of plague, thanks to a flea with a taste for humans. El Dorado County officials, probably thrilled at the attention, remind us that plague is just lurking in those picturesque areas. Symptoms include classic fever and swollen lymph nodes—super fashionable. Remember, folks, camping isn’t just about marshmallows and memories; it’s also about dodging fleas, wild rodents, and—let's be honest—dying in style. Happy trails!