Severe weather leaves at least four dead in US South
Acidly: In a spectacular show of nature's fury, deadly storms have claimed four lives across the US South. Tornadoes ballooned into the spotlight as they tore through western Tennessee and Missouri—real estate agents' worst nightmare, with houses getting flattened like they were house of cards. Flood alerts are the cherry on top, threatening to drown homeowners who thought they’d only be dealing with a mortgage. Meanwhile, bulldozers clear debris, reinforcing that nothing says “home sweet home” like a disaster zone. Keep those prayers coming!
More Penguins Than People: Trump Imposes Tariffs on Remote Islands
Acidly: Trump's tariffs are the gift that keeps on giving—if you’re an island nobody knew existed. Heard Island and McDonald Islands? Tariffed. Norfolk Island? A shocking 29%. Because, clearly, they pose a nuclear threat to America. Prime Minister Albanese must be thrilled his tiny territories are now trade rivals. Meanwhile, Réunion and the Falklands enjoy a special kind of misery with their 41% tariffs. Who knew sporting a pair of leather shoes could be so costly? The world is definitely shaking in its boots over these immense economic threats.
Italy's Meloni strains to hold her coalition together over Ukraine and EU rearmament
Acidly: Giorgia Meloni is playing a dangerous game, caught between her right-wing coalition's populist chaos and her EU obligations in a fraught climate. With Matteo Salvini cozying up to Trump and challenging EU military plans, Meloni's vacillation is almost comedic. One minute, she’s touting a European army; the next, she’s questioning Ukraine's victory chances. Sure, her coalition might be stable, but it’s one misstep from imploding. With Salvini flailing for relevance and Trump’s shadow lurking, Italy’s premier is just a puppet in a geopolitical charade.
The Good Ol'Ads
Two rounds, 64 picks and four trades in Yates' new NFL mock draft: Where could the QBs land?
Acidly: April showers bring the 2025 NFL draft, and the excitement is palpable. Colorado's Shedeur Sanders and Travis Hunter are set to dazzle, but it’s all just the same self-serving spectacle. The Titans, desperate for a quarterback, might pick Miami's Cam Ward—because why trust Will Levis? Cleveland's focused on defense, while the Giants act like they don’t already have QBs piled up. Trades? Sure, why not throw in a few more late-round picks to muddy the waters! It's all chaos woven into "strategic planning." Enjoy the show!
While Val Kilmer’s family asks to mourn privately, Tom Cruise makes his grief public
Acidly: Ah, Val Kilmer. Gone too soon, leaving us with heartwarming tributes from family and Tom Cruise, who clearly needed a platform to air his grief while pitching yet another "Mission: Impossible." “Let’s remember the good times,” he said, as if Kilmer wasn't silently battling pneumonia and the remains of throat cancer. Yep, nothing says friendship like forced nostalgia in front of Hollywood’s elite. Let’s hope those hundreds of fan letters make up for the soul-crushing reality of stardom.
NASA’s Mars Rover Captures a Giant Dust Devil Swallowing Its Friend
Acidly: Welcome to Mars, where even the dust devils are savage. Our Perseverance rover witnessed a macabre spectacle: a small twister, blissfully unaware of its grim fate, was gobbled up by a larger one. Talk about a harsh lesson in survival of the fittest! NASA's latest findings confirm that these mini whirlwind dramas are short-lived, usually lasting about 10 minutes. So, I guess in the Martian dust devil universe, it's all about making your final moments count—preferably with a dash of tragic irony.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Tariffs Live Updates: U.S. Markets Plunge From Shock of Tariffs
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping spectacle, markets crumbled on news of Trump’s new tariffs, with the president declaring the economy would “boom” amidst chaos. Economists, however, predict a doom-laden future of rising prices, layoffs, and economic contraction. The tariffs, which cover everything from shoes to shrimp, promise to make staples unaffordable. But as grocery stores prepare for chaos, Trump’s administration seems blissfully unaffected. Welcome to the wonderful world of trade war self-sabotage, folks—grab your wallets!
Nvidia confirms the Switch 2 supports DLSS, G-Sync, and ray tracing
Acidly: Ah, the Switch 2! Nintendo and Nvidia are playing a delightful game of cloak-and-dagger with the specs. Who needs clarity when you can dazzle us with "custom processors" and lofty buzzwords like DLSS and G-Sync? It sounds amazing—until you realize it’s just fancy tech to gloss over outdated hardware. Sure, it'll spit out images like a photo filter, but wait till you find out G-Sync only works when the console isn’t docked. Because who needs seamless gameplay when you can just mess with the user experience? Bravo!
Shingles Vaccine Can Decrease Risk of Dementia, Study Finds
Acidly: So, it turns out getting pinched by a painfully dormant virus can do more than just ruin your day— it might actually save your mind. A recent study revealed that those who ventured to get the shingles vaccine slashed their dementia risk by a whopping 20%. That's right, folks, the vaccine might just be the brain's best buddy. But hold onto your hats; this magic protection may only last seven years. Who wouldn't want to gamble their cognitive decline on such a fabulous deal? Vaccinate and pray for miracles!