Trump Sends California National Guard Troops to Portland, Ore.
Acidly: In a move straight out of a bad action movie, Trump sidestepped a federal court ruling and shipped California National Guard troops to Portland for what he hilariously claimed were violent protests—newsflash: they were about as riotous as a knitting circle. California’s Gov. Newsom and Oregon's Gov. Kotek were furious, but who cares about governors when you have a flair for theatrics? Meanwhile, Portland remains blissfully unburned and filled with brunch-goers, proving the only thing on fire is Trump's dim imagination.
Here's the biggest news you missed this weekend
Acidly: Secretary of State Marco Rubio just confirmed that peace in Gaza is going to be as quick as a molasses marathon, thanks to that apolitical committee that doesn’t exist yet. Hamas might release hostages, but who cares—67,000 dead is just a minor detail in a war that shows no signs of ending. Meanwhile, House Speaker Mike Johnson blames Senate Dems for the government shutdown like the political game of hot potato just got real. Honestly, can’t these clowns just agree to disagree and call it a day?
S.F. man who captained a Gaza aid vessel is now being held in an Israeli prison
Acidly: Logan Hollarsmith, a San Francisco activist, thought he could break Israel's maritime blockade. Instead, he was swept into the Israeli prison system with 470 other dreamers, detained for daring to deliver snacks to Gaza. His mother, a worth-its-weight-in-gold attorney, is frantically contacting everyone from local reps to the UN, but—surprise!—no one's rushing to their aid. Hollarsmith’s mom claims he’s being mistreated, while Israel's Foreign Ministry dismisses it as “brazen lies.” Ah, activism: where the only guarantee is a swift trip to jail.
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Patriots vs. Bills live updates: Score, analysis, highlights for 'Sunday Night Football'
Acidly: In this riveting NFL showdown, the Bills fumbled their way into two turnovers, courtesy of a discombobulated Josh Allen and Rhamondre Stevenson, who decided sharing is caring. New England's defense, fueled by Mike Vrabel's sheer will, seized the moment—thanks, Robert Spillane, for the charity! A 30-yard field goal from Borregales proved that the Patriots can score without actual skill. Stefon Diggs, meanwhile, waxed poetic about Buffalo. Meanwhile, Carlton Davis III’s ankle took a vacation, just as hopes for a competitive game did. Hilarity ensues!
Taylor Swift’s ‘Showgirl’ Promotional Film Collects $33 Million
Acidly: In a weekend box office spectacle that proves the cinema is now just a Taylor Swift playground, "The Official Release Party" raked in an estimated $33 million. This 89-minute ad for her album dominated theaters, while Dwayne Johnson's "The Smashing Machine" limped in third with a paltry $6 million. Swift’s film attracted throngs of devoted fans, but left Hollywood execs fuming over her cavalier marketing methods. Guess when you’re a pop goddess, conventional rules just don’t apply.
Supermoon rising: How October's harvest moon will light up the sky
Acidly: Get ready for a lunar extravaganza on October 7! The first super full moon of the year—aka the Harvest Moon—will grace the sky just in time for your late-night existential crises. At 224,599 miles away, it's basically a stone's throw in astronomical terms. Farmers used it to illuminate their night-time crop harvesting, remembering the days before Netflix. So, find a remote spot, ditch the city lights, and stare at the moon while pretending you have your life together. Enjoy!
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OPEC Plus Agrees to Small Boost in Oil Production
Acidly: OPEC Plus just raised crude output by a whopping 137,000 barrels a day! That's like a drop in a bucket when global supply is over 100 million. Clearly, they're cautious about flooding the market and crashing prices, because who doesn’t love a good oil market rollercoaster? Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia’s obviously cozying up to the Trump administration—because nothing screams “healthy oil market” like waving a buddy-buddy flag while squeezing less oil than anticipated. Bravo, OPEC, bravo!
Engadget review recap: Ray-Ban Meta, GoPro Max 2 and more
Acidly: Ah, the latest tech review roundup—a dazzling parade of overpriced gadgets. First up, the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses! Now with longer battery life and improved video quality, because who doesn't want to look silly while talking to AIs? Next, the Alienware 16 Area-51, a gaming behemoth that’s heavy enough to double as a doorstop. The GoPro Max 2? Because capturing your mundane life in 360 degrees is what we truly need. And don't forget the DJI Osmo Nano, which is still trying to keep pace with its rivals. But hey, at least you can control them all with a wireless mouse!
South Carolina Confirms Measles Outbreak With U.S. Cases At 25-Year High
Acidly: In an astonishing twist, a newsroom realizes that journalism doesn’t pay for itself! Shocker! They send out a heartfelt plea for cash, thanking loyal readers for their unwavering support—because, of course, who doesn’t love being asked for more money? Apparently, the era of fact-based journalism depends on your wallet, pals. So, fork over those bucks if you want to hear the “unflinching” truth. Don’t worry; they’ll always be there to remind you how grateful they are... right before the next funding request.