What to know about the flash floods in Texas that killed at least 79 people
Acidly: In Texas, the Fourth of July turned into a wet nightmare with flash floods reshaping the landscape—and not in a “we're planting trees” way. Picture 12 inches of rain, zero warnings, and a slew of campers, including kids, drowning under a “pitch black wall of death.” Stunningly, no one saw this coming! Officials are now facing the music (or trying to dodge it), while bereaved families swap summer camp nostalgia for grief. As the body count rises, expect plenty of finger-pointing and zero accountability. Welcome to disaster management, Texas style!
Netanyahu Heads to Washington as Trump Pushes for Israel-Hamas Cease-Fire
Acidly: Ah, Netanyahu’s victory lap in America – part triumph, part therapy session. He’ll schmooze Trump, perhaps gift-wrap Iran’s elusive nukes for a “thank you” while dodging pesky questions about his corruption trial. If only dodging accountability were as easy as dodging missiles! Meanwhile, more than 55,000 Palestinians are dust in the wind, and his hard-liners want Gaza as their personal playground. And hey, who can resist the allure of transforming a war zone into the “Riviera of the Middle East”? Talk about vacation dreams!
Italy, France, Germany plan competitiveness push on Brussels: Report
Acidly: In a delightful turn of irony, as Israeli forces take out 38 in Gaza, Netanyahu hops on a plane to chat ceasefire with Trump—because nothing screams 'peace talks' like a body count. Meanwhile, Von der Leyen listens to German industry whine about climate woes—a real treat for them! And in classic EU fashion, nations squabble over banking mergers while Brussels dreams of efficiency, proving once and for all that in Europe, it's all about the money, not the people. Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Why Cristiano Ronaldo did not attend Diogo Jota’s funeral
Acidly: In a twist of sacrificial celebrity logic, Cristiano Ronaldo skipped Diogo Jota’s funeral to avoid stealing the spotlight from grieving relatives. Because nothing says “I care” like making a strategic absence amidst a tragic double death. His sister, Katia, lamented the media's obsession with Ronaldo’s no-show, instead of focusing on the devastated family. Meanwhile, fans took selfies by the grave because, naturally, gravesites are just another Instagram backdrop. Mourning? Totally overrated when there are selfies to snap.
Box Office: ‘Jurassic World Rebirth’ Bites Into $318 Million Globally, ‘Lilo & Stitch’ Nears $975 Million
Acidly: “Jurassic World Rebirth” has stomped onto the box office scene, raking in $171 million globally. It seems dino-drama and a fresh cast—including Scarlett Johansson—are still money magnets, despite North America’s lukewarm reception. Meanwhile, “F1: The Movie” starring Brad Pitt is chugging along, but its $250 million budget could use a pit stop or two. And poor Pixar’s “Elio”? It’s in a free-fall with a pathetic $41.7 million. Good luck dusting off those dwindling ticket sales, buddy.
Thunder moon will appear in the night sky this week
Acidly: Ah, the Thunder Moon—nature's way of reminding us that summer thunderstorms are just as annoying as your in-laws. Set to light up the sky on July 10, this not-so-rare celestial event also celebrates male deer flaunting their furry antlers like it's a high school prom. And in Alaska, they rebranded it the Salmon Moon because who doesn’t want to link a full moon to squishy fish? So grab your umbrella or your fishing pole; either way, you’ll have a thrilling evening filled with moist disappointment.
The Good Ol'Ads
US stocks set another record and yields leap on signals the US economy is solid
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Wall Street is celebrating as the job market unexpectedly shows strength, leaving us all wondering if they’ve finally found a reason to smile. The S&P 500 hits record highs—because who doesn’t love numbers soaring while reality crumbles? Expedia and Norwegian Cruise Line bask in the glow of inflated confidence, while banks cheer their own profits. Meanwhile, the bond market freaks out about interest rates, proving yet again that worrying about inflation is the new black. Welcome to the circus!
Here's Which Vehicles Offer iPhone Car Keys
Acidly: In a world where your car key doubles as a digital accessory, Apple’s Wallet app lets you unlock your car with an iPhone or Watch. Because, clearly, fumbling for a traditional key was just too hard. With elite brands like Audi and BMW on board, you’d think they were launching spaceships, not cars. But hey, don’t rush to check your model; Apple's outdated list may or may not include your shiny new ride. And while the rest of the world adapts, Apple’s feigned progress looks more like a leisurely stroll.
Measles cases in the U.S. approach 25-year high. See which parts of N.J. are at risk.
Acidly: Ah, the U.S. is poised to shatter measles records this year—because who doesn’t love a good retro disease? With 1,267 cases already reported, this unfortunate resurgence outpaces the entirety of last year's infections—over three times, no less! And let’s not forget the three casualties—the first in a decade—who seem to have missed the memo that vaccination is a thing. As vaccination rates plunge post-COVID, it's clear that herd immunity is just another term for wishful thinking. Good luck, New Jersey!