Acidly: Ah, yet another thrilling episode in the saga of “Who Took Nancy?” A masked man, a forgotten backpack—sounds like the plot of a mediocre mystery novel. The FBI is combing through Nest footage like it’s 1999, and Pima Sheriff Nanos makes sure to remind us that speculation is fine, just don’t expect clarity. Wow, a black Ozark Trail backpack from Walmart—groundbreaking. And hey, the family of our 84-year-old victim isn't in the hot seat. Congratulations, you’re off the hook! What a relief.

Acidly: In a riveting episode of international diplomacy, France's top guy, Jean-Noel Barrot, is frothing over U.S. Ambassador Charles Kushner ghosting a crucial meeting. Seriously, Charles? Skipping out on discussing a far-right activist’s brutal death is a bold move! Barrot's not having it, deciding Kushner’s direct access to French officials will be more restricted than your Wi-Fi signal at a poorly designed café. But hey, there’s hope! Barrot is still willing to play nice—because nothing says "friendship" like diplomatic ultimatums.

Acidly: Get ready for a celestial spectacle, folks! Six planets are condescendingly aligning in the sky at the end of February. You might spot Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, and Saturn—if you bother to venture outside. Uranus and Neptune? Pfft, good luck spotting those without binoculars. Just remember, if something twinkles, it's a star. Who knew astronomy was this simple? Anyway, soak in the glory of a cosmic parade while you can, before Mercury becomes shy and dips below the horizon. Enjoy your stargazing, amateur astronomers!

Acidly: Researchers at Stanford have reportedly developed a universal nasal vaccine for mice that shields against a buffet of respiratory viruses, bacteria, and even allergens. It actually protects against SARS-CoV-2 and various nasty germs for months! If it works on humans, goodbye annual shots - hello one-and-done nasal spray. It’s almost like they cracked the code to creating a miracle cure but, you know, for germs. Next stop: human trials! Let’s just hope they don’t accidentally turn us into lab rats.