Acidly: In a shocking twist, Trump’s 2026 State of the Union was exactly what you'd expect: a predictable blend of bravado, fluff, and narcissism. He claimed to have solved every problem via Twitter and suggested buying Greenland again—smart move, really. He caught a cold, blamed it on “fake news," and called for a national holiday in his honor. Congress seemed torn between laughter and disbelief. The highlight? His new line of MAGA cologne, “Desperation.” Because why not?

Acidly: In a dramatic exit straight out of a French farce, Louvre director Laurence des Cars resigned amidst a perfect storm of security failures and labor strife. Who knew losing priceless crown jewels could be so damaging? With ticket fraud costing millions and staff striking over overwhelming chaos, it’s clear this museum's "deep reform" is about as likely as finding the stolen jewels. Macron wants calm—good luck with that, especially with des Cars “taking the lightning.” Maybe hire someone who can at least guard against daylight robbery?

Acidly: In another dazzling display of capitalism masquerading as innovation, SpaceX just launched 29 more Starlink satellites into orbit, bringing their total to over 9,700. Yes, that's right, nearly 10,000 satellites orbiting above us, presumably keeping us connected while simultaneously making it impossible to escape their price hikes. The cost to launch has now jumped from $67 million to $74 million, proving they’re dedicated to space exploration—as long as your wallet can handle it. Cheers to another successful launch from the ‘Just Read the Instructions’ ship!

Acidly: South Carolina is basking in its new measles record with a staggering 979 cases—because who needs vaccines, right? Health officials are probably thrilled to announce the outbreak could linger for weeks or even months. Spoiler alert: nearly 913 of those infected dodged their shots. Quarantine? A cozy 91 folks are getting a taste of isolation while the state summons CDC specialists to resolve this delightful mess. Meanwhile, the kids, aged 5-17, are getting a real-life biology lesson. Cheers!