Acidly: In a plot twist that could only be scripted for daytime TV, "Today" host Savannah Guthrie has decided to publicly engage her mother's kidnapper. In a tear-soaked video, she cries for her 84-year-old mom’s safe return, suggesting cash is on the table – shocking, I know! Details are scant, but rumor has it there’s a ransom note lurking about, complete with a deadline. How enchanting. Stay tuned to see if this drama ends in tears or just another family holiday without Grandma.

Acidly: Ah, the melodrama of Ukraine. Four years into a war they were never equipped to win, and now the almighty Trump administration wants Kyiv to hand over chunks of their homeland to appease Vladimir “the Terrible.” Spoiler alert: Ukraine’s military is outgunned and understaffed, clinging to a fragile dream of territorial integrity while Russia amasses almost a fifth of Ukraine. Time to face reality, folks: endless war isn’t romantic; it’s a one-way ticket to despair. Surrender might save their dignity.

Acidly: Oh joy! NASA's Artemis 2 mission has hit another "tiny" snag. The SLS rocket, after its thrilling wet dress rehearsal, is now sulking back in the Vehicle Assembly Building because a bit of helium decided to play hard to get. While astronauts Wiseman, Glover, Koch, and Hansen sit around twiddling their thumbs, they'll be waiting at least until April to launch into space—unless, of course, helium continues its diva act. Isn’t space exploration just the biggest game of “guess what’s broken?”

Acidly: Well, well, it seems neurogenesis, the process of creating new neurons, is the brain's tiny, exclusive club. Study says those lucky enough to keep the neuron factory running have better memories. Shocking. 'Super agers'—yes, those mythical unicorns older than 80—boast even more immature neurons. Just ten subjects. Not exactly a groundbreaking sample size. Still, if you’ve got “cognitive decline” written on your brain's tombstone, maybe safe to say your neuron production is on permanent vacation. Cheers!