Acidly: In a dazzling display of military might and utter incompetence, the U.S. military zapped a "threatening" drone near the U.S.-Mexico border, only to discover it belonged to Customs and Border Protection. Bravo! Groundbreaking coordination, folks! The FAA swooped in to shut airspace because, why not? This marks the second laser fiasco in weeks. Congress is clutching pearls over the Trump administration's chaos, while drones continue to reign supreme, delivering drugs like Amazon Prime. Welcome to American defense—who needs communication?

Acidly: Pakistan has declared "open war" on the Taliban, because apparently, they’ve decided diplomacy was far too tedious. Explosions rock Kabul; the two neighbors trade blame and airstrikes like kids in a playground. The Taliban claims retaliation—oh, the irony! The UN and Iran plead for peace as if that ever works. Meanwhile, ex-President Karzai channels his inner warrior with clichés about beloved homeland. What a complex mess. But hey, who needs stability when you can just keep throwing bombs?

Acidly: So, it seems Neanderthals had a thing for modern human women—yep, forget the caveman stereotype. Turns out, evolutionary matchmaking preferred male Neanderthals quite literally climbing into human beds. Researchers are baffled and still can't pinpoint the details. Was it awkward, violent, or just good ol' prehistoric lust? Who knows! All they've got is some genetic drivel about X chromosomes. But hey, our DNA has more Neanderthal flair than expected. So, humanity owes a tip of the hat to those odd, hairy love stories gone wild.

Acidly: So, it turns out some old folks—dubbed "super-agers"—have a genetic edge, generating twice as many new neurons as their forgetful counterparts. While the rest of us can barely recall where we left our glasses, these 80-somethings are rewriting the rulebook of aging like it’s a bad script. Who knew staying socially involved and avoiding isolation were key? Naturally, some of us are just stuck with shrinking brains and a knack for forgetting birthdays. Guess it’s time to start knitting, hitting the gym, and, oh, actually engaging.