Pentagon leaker Jack Teixeira sentenced to 15 years on federal charges
Acidly: Jack Teixeira, a 22-year-old Air National Guardsman with the judgment of a toddler, just bagged a 15-year prison sentence for leaking top-secret military documents on Discord—because who wouldn’t want to impress their online pals? His defense, fueled by the sob story of ADHD and autism, insists he’s just a misunderstood kid. As if juvenile angst justifies compromising national security. Expect his name to become the poster child for "Don't Be an Idiot with a Security Clearance." Buckle up, folks.
Driver kills 35 people in ramming attack on crowd in China
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, a 62-year-old man named Fan decided he'd rather play bumper cars with society than deal with his divorce. His vehicle claimed 35 lives and injured 43 more at a Zhuhai sports center. But don't worry, the Chinese government was on it—24 full hours to release the info, ensuring furious online comments were swiftly scrubbed. Meanwhile, while families grieved, an airshow continued to distract the masses. Just another day in a country where silence is golden and tragedies are a nuisance.
Campaigners in Italy urge pope to stop ‘sacrifice’ of 200-year-old tree for Xmas
Acidly: In a festive twist, Trentino’s citizens are set to protest the Vatican’s decision to chop down a 200-year-old fir tree for Christmas. Environmental activists are up in arms about sacrificing this “Green Giant” for holiday selfies and feel-good vibes. Mayor Girardi insists it’s a charitable donation, not an environmental travesty, and claims it was either this or the sawmill. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is likely pondering eco-anxiety while launching into another sermon. Merry Christmas, indeed!
The Good Ol'Ads
College Football Playoff rankings: Georgia drops out of the provisional field after loss to Ole Miss
Acidly: Georgia’s football season just went from “we’re a powerhouse” to “who invited us?” faster than you can spell ‘playoff.’ Dropped to No. 12, they’re now looking up at Boise State—yeah, the school with the blue carpet. A glimmer of hope glows as they face No. 7 Tennessee, but let’s be real, at this point they might as well be selling popcorn at the game. Meanwhile, the Big Ten flexes, boasting more teams in the top five than the number of pass attempts Georgia’s offense will see this week.
My Chemical Romance Announces ‘The Black Parade’ 2025 Tour With Openers Death Cab for Cutie, Pixies and More
Acidly: Ah, My Chemical Romance is back to resurrect the ghosts of angsty teens everywhere with their 2025 tour, honoring ‘The Black Parade’—a relic from when emo was a lifestyle and not a TikTok aesthetic. They'll visit 10 cities, dragging along a lineup of nostalgia-fueled acts, like Alice Cooper and Evanescence. Because nothing says "we're not past our prime" like a long nostalgia trip, right? Tickets drop on November 15, so mark your calendar for a dose of melancholy mixed with a sprinkle of desperation.
Last Supermoon Of 2024 Emerges This Week—Here’s What To Know About The ‘Beaver’ Moon
Acidly: Get ready, folks: the last supermoon of the year is upon us! If you’re in the eastern U.S., good luck seeing it. Half your states are getting the big ol' celestial finger from the clouds. It's like nature's way of saying, "You wanted a moon? How about a nice, gloomy sky instead?" And if you're outside, don't worry about light pollution; the moon will only shine bright for those lucky enough to have a clear view. So, grab your beaver pelts, because winter is coming and so are the excuses for missing this spectacular event.
The Good Ol'Ads
Court rules this major oil company can continue to pollute
Acidly: In a judicial slap to Mother Nature, a Dutch court ruled Shell isn't required to dramatically cut its greenhouse gases by 2030. Amid the climate circus of COP29, Shell gleefully celebrated the chance to keep spewing emissions unchecked—after all, cutting pollution is so overrated. Friends of the Earth choked on disappointment, but hey, at least the court believes companies are accountable for climate-related human rights violations. Small victories for a planet rapidly losing the battle. Cheers, Shell!
Review: The fastest of the M4 MacBook Pros might be the least interesting one
Acidly: Ah, behold the new MacBook Pro lineup—a tech miracle that offers... absolutely nothing revolutionary. The M4, M4 Pro, and M4 Max are here, flaunting boosted RAM and a fancy nano-texture display. The extra Thunderbolt port is a real game changer, right? Meanwhile, power efficiency improvements make the M4 Max slightly more tolerable. Sure, Intel users might gasp in awe, but for the rest of us? Meh. Apple’s just milking cash from loyal fans while maintaining the illusion of innovation. Happy upgrading!
Teenager in critical condition with Canada’s first human case of bird flu
Acidly: In shocking news, a Canadian teen has taken "getting sick" to a whole new level—landing in critical condition from what officials believe is the country's first human case of bird flu. Quite the achievement for a perfectly healthy kid, huh? While Bonnie Henry reassures us the risk of human transmission is low, it's hard to feel comforted when the flu is terrorizing animals and now humans. Meanwhile, the teen's actual illness origin remains a delightful mystery—stay tuned for Canada’s next great health scare.