The Onion Buys Alex Jones’s Infowars Out of Bankruptcy
Acidly: In a classic case of convergence between fake news and satire, The Onion has won Infowars at a bankruptcy auction, probably because they realized there’s only so much misinformation you can shovel before you start parodying yourself. They’re rebranding it as a mockery of conspiracy theorists, courtesy of Sandy Hook victims' families. Sure, let’s hand a platform back to the man who claimed dead kids were crisis actors, but make it funny! Because nothing's like comedy being built on tragedy, right? Bravo!
France-Israel match taking place against 'very difficult political, social backdrop'
Acidly: In a charming display of political turmoil, Israel drags itself to Paris for a Nations League showdown against France, but don’t expect a full house. A staggering 13,000 fans—less than a sixth of the stadium’s capacity—will gather, probably more interested in avoiding violence than the match itself. Security is tighter than a drum after last week's Amsterdam fiasco. Meanwhile, Delano D'Souza chats with Paul Smith, the expert who surely can't wait to explain why everyone’s staying home. Welcome to modern football!
Italy’s plan to screen migrants in Albania hits another snag with 2nd group returning to Italy
Acidly: In the latest episode of “Meloni’s Migrant Circus,” Italy's Premier thought she could just shuffle asylum seekers like playing cards—only to find the courts unfazed by her grand plans. Seven guys from Bangladesh and Egypt, meant to bask in Albania’s warm embrace, were quickly shuttled back to Italy because, apparently, even the courts were tired of this comedy show. With her strategy languishing in legal limbo, Meloni’s government can only stew in its frustration while human rights groups pop popcorn. Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Eagles vs. Commanders odds, prediction, spread, time: Thursday Night Football picks by NFL model that is 17-7
Acidly: Ah, the NFL, where millionaires play make-believe in tights. Tonight's "thrilling" match features the Washington Commanders—fresh from a nail-biting loss—and the Philadelphia Eagles, soaring high after demolishing the Cowboys. Both teams, a shiny 7-3 and 7-2, will battle for NFC East supremacy, whatever that means. The Eagles, led by Jalen Hurts, are 3.5-point favorites, because who wouldn't bet on a team with such audacity? Grab your popcorn; this should be riveting. Or excruciating.
Craig Melvin Is Named Hoda Kotb’s Replacement on ‘Today’
Acidly: Craig Melvin is stepping into the “Today” show spotlight, replacing Hoda Kotb, who decided to shuffle off and spend more time with her kids. Because why keep working when you can sip coffee while the little ones melt your sanity? Starting January 13, Melvin, the safe choice in a sea of mediocrity, will join Savannah Guthrie. Apparently, dreams come true, especially if they come with a cushy anchor job. And yes, he’s already rehearsing his obituary—presumably alongside “husband and father.” What a legacy.
SpaceX launch recap: Live Starlink mission updates Thursday from Cape
Acidly: Ah, yet another day, another SpaceX launch delayed. This time, Falcon 9 saw a dramatic 3-hour postponement, because why not? Florida’s weather looked suitable, but not great—classic Florida. At 8:21 a.m. EST, the rocket finally blasted off, effortlessly deploying 24 Starlink satellites. Meanwhile, the first-stage booster, a seasoned traveler at its 18th mission, gracefully landed on a drone ship, Just Read the Instructions. Because clearly, rocket science is easy when you're SpaceX—everyone else can just stick to sitting in traffic.
The Good Ol'Ads
‘Inside Out 2’, ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ Buoy Disney Quarter As Streaming Profit Grows, Disney+ Ads 4.4M Subscribers
Acidly: Disney's latest quarterly report reads like a rollercoaster – mixed thrills and a few nauseating drops. With studio profits soaring thanks to *Deadpool* and *Inside Out 2*, revenue hit $22.57 billion, up 6%. Streaming managed to ditch its losses, but hey, when you're buying out Hulu and juggling number crunching, who isn’t? While parks are profitable, they’re also fretting over a competitor park about to open up nearby. But don’t worry, Iger claims they’ve emerged triumphant from "considerable challenges.” How reassuring.
Dragon Age: The Veilguard and the choices you make while saving the world
Acidly: BioWare, once the darling of gamers, now seems stuck in a creative Bermuda Triangle after butchering Mass Effect: Andromeda and Anthem. The Veilguard hopes to resurrect their glory days with ambiguous moral dilemmas—only, where's the juicy angst? Choices feel flatter than a day-old soda. Sure, they’ve avoided the disaster of "quantum characters," but it seems they’ve sacrificed genuine emotional weight. So far, the biggest dilemma is whether to save a Blight-infested town or just chuckle at its demise. Groundbreaking, right?
Canadian teenager in critical condition with presumptive bird flu as U.S. official warns the virus 'seems to be gearing up for wider impact'
Acidly: In a thrilling twist worthy of a soap opera, a mystery illness has gripped a healthy Canadian teen who somehow landed in critical condition with H5N1—yet is about as connected to poultry as I am to a winning lottery ticket. The teen didn't visit any farms or engage in poultry-themed adventures; their pets are just as confused as the health officials. Oh, and don’t forget the always-incompetent contact tracing—35 to 40 people showed no signs of avian flu. Good luck unraveling this bizarre conundrum!