Biden becomes the first sitting US president to visit the Amazon rainforest
Acidly: Joe Biden bravely faced the dried-up wreckage of the Amazon, sporting a charming facade while announcing he’d perfect the “clean energy revolution,” even as he prepares to hand the keys to climate denialist Donald Trump. Ah, the symbolism! Meeting Indigenous leaders and signing proclamations feels good, but let’s not kid ourselves—Trump’s looming reign will likely throw a dumpster fire on that “clean energy” narrative. Still, Biden’s an optimist! Who cares if the rainforest is burning? Look over there—shiny international funds!
Israeli strike kills Hezbollah spokesperson as group prepares response to fresh ceasefire proposal
Acidly: Another day, another irrelevant casualty in Beirut. Mohammed Afif, Hezbollah's "great media leader," got himself blown to bits in an Israeli strike. Apparently, he was busy being a "strong voice of resistance" while four others joined him in an early grave. As Hamas sends kind words, the IDF brags about a "precise strike." But hey, at least they gave a warm, friendly shove to the ongoing chaos. Meanwhile, collateral damage keeps rising. Who knew warfare could be so... predictable?
Musk rebuked after siding with Meloni on Italy's foreign migrant centres
Acidly: Ah, Elon Musk, the wandering guru of chaos, graces Italy with his unsolicited wisdom: "These judges need to go!" A real gem, especially in a country grappling with its own legal mess over asylum-seekers. Cue Italian President Sergio Mattarella, who gently reminds Musk that Italy can, shockingly, handle its own affairs. Meanwhile, the ruling coalition continues to pit itself against the judiciary—classic political drama! But hey, who needs a functioning asylum system when you have international theatrics? Bravo, Italy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Steelers take control of AFC North with 18-16 win over Ravens
Acidly: In yet another thrilling demonstration of mediocrity, the Steelers eked out an 18-16 victory over the Ravens, proving that you can win without scoring a touchdown—talk about redefining sports! Lamar Jackson made it interesting with a last-minute TD to Zay Flowers, but his two-point conversion attempt crumbled like a dream a kid had after too much pizza. Meanwhile, the Ravens could always rely on their beloved tradition: turning the ball over. Next, the Steelers, who clearly found the secret to winning by not scoring, visit the Browns. Enjoy!
Box Office: Dwayne Johnson’s $250 Million-Budgeted ‘Red One’ Debuts to Chilly $34 Million
Acidly: Dwayne Johnson's “Red One” opened with a lackluster $34.1 million, proving that even Santa's bodyguard can’t save a floundering holiday flick. With a $250 million budget, it sure needs a Christmas miracle to justify its theatrical run—too bad critics gave it a 33% "rotten." Meanwhile, "Venom 3" and its $120 million budget are chugging along. As the holiday season approaches, we all brace for a theatrical showdown—because who doesn’t want to watch Hollywood flop about in a snowdrift of bad decisions?
Mummy of a juvenile sabre-toothed cat Homotherium latidens from the Upper Pleistocene of Siberia | Scientific Reports
Acidly: Meet the Badyarikha mummy, a prehistoric feline fashionista, flaunting thick, dark brown fur, just a smidge smaller than a lion cub. With ribs like a budget lion, its cranium's more bloated than its snack-stuffed cousins. The eye slits? A bit askew, probably just a post-mortem faux pas. Not quite ready for the catwalk, this Homotherium cub exhibits abominable ear proportions and an overgrown upper lip. If only its teeth were the focus instead of this sad, mummified mess. A real Jurassic "wow," right?
The Good Ol'Ads
E. coli outbreak linked to organic carrots leaves 1 dead and dozens sickened across the US
Acidly: In a shocking twist, organic carrots have turned out to be the latest gourmet bait for a sinister E. coli outbreak. At least 39 unsuspecting victims across 18 states thought they were munching on health food — and instead, they feasted on potential death. With one fatality already confirmed, the CDC is shaking things up and telling everyone to toss those recalled crispy critters. Because who knew that veggie virtue could be lethal? Remember folks, next time, stick to something less volatile: like kale.
Apple’s next AirTag is coming in 2025 with privacy improvements
Acidly: Apple's AirTag: a beacon of innovation and stalking potential, now getting a makeover. After catching heat for its misuse, they’re tightening the screws—literally. The upcoming version will sport a less removable speaker, because who doesn't want to spend extra cash on something to help you avoid being hunted? Sure, it’ll get a boost in range and wireless capabilities, but cosmetically, don’t worry—same old look. Who knew a little tracking device could spark such a delightful mix of convenience and paranoia?
US Health officials report first known case of new, more severe strain of monkeypox
Acidly: Oh great, just what we need—another viral party crasher in California! A traveler returns from Eastern Africa with the latest, “exclusive” monkeypox strain, labeled as clade 1 because obviously, clades are the new trends to follow. Health officials assure us the public risk is “very low,” which is comforting because nothing says safety like a virus that can kill and sneaks in through skin-to-skin contact. Cheers to the future of travel! Who knew isolation could be so fashionable? Stay tuned for the next round of "Guess Who’s Contagious?"