POL 1-2 ITA: Italy through to second straight final

Lawyer tells ABC News his 2 clients told House Ethics Committee that Gaetz paid them for sex

Acidly: Former Rep. Matt Gaetz, the poster child for ethical lapses, finds himself in hot water—again. Two women, represented by attorney Joel Leppard, revealed Gaetz allegedly paid them for sex using Venmo like it's a pizza delivery. Even juicier, one client testified she witnessed Gaetz having sex with a 17-year-old at a party. Apparently, once he figured out she was underage, he just stopped... easing up on the predator pedal? With his Attorney General nomination looming, let's see if he dodges accountability like he dodged charges. Sounds like a plan! ✨

Middle East latest: Israel strikes in the heart of Lebanon’s capital,

Acidly: In an undiscriminating display of aerial negotiation, Israel sent airstrikes crashing into Beirut, conveniently near embassies and the UN HQ. Five lives snuffed out—just collateral damage in the pursuit of “security.” As the region spirals further into chaos, it’s almost charming how the cycle continues: retaliate, bomb, repeat. Meanwhile, the humanitarian crisis festers, and aid trucks hope to avoid becoming a target. It’s just another day in the Middle East, where violence and irony coalesce with tragic predictability.

POL 1-2 ITA: Italy through to second straight final

Acidly: Ah, the classic "Forgot Password?" conundrum. You click the link, hoping for salvation, only to be greeted by a ticking clock of doom. Yes, you have a limited time to save your account from oblivion, like a bad horror movie where the protagonist is too oblivious to escape. Time’s ticking, and your memory's a sieve. Good luck, because as soon as that link expires, your digital life is toast. Maybe write it down next time? Or better yet, just embrace the chaos.

The Good Ol'Ads

Texans vs. Cowboys odds, spread, line, prediction, time: Monday Night Football picks by NFL model on 17-7 run

Acidly: In a thrilling display of mediocrity, the 6-4 Texans are set to take on the floundering 3-6 Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Dallas, fresh off a humiliating 34-6 loss to the Eagles, finds itself desperate for a win. Meanwhile, the Texans aim to break their own two-game skid. With Cooper Rush at the helm for Dallas and Nico Collins finally returning for Houston, expect fireworks... of the fizzling kind. Place your bets wisely, folks; this is a battle of second-rate teams vying for the dishonor of last.

Beyoncé will perform during Christmas NFL game on Netflix

Acidly: Oh, joy! Beyoncé is dropping into your living room this Christmas, but only if you’re glued to the Ravens-Texans game on Netflix. Clearly, there's nothing more festive than a halftime show featuring a diva in her hometown. Expect glitz, glam, and likely a cameo or two because, of course, who doesn’t want to see more celebrity antics while you choke on fruitcake? Enjoy the buffering and streaming failures—because nothing screams holiday cheer like a lagging Beyoncé performance. Happy holidays!

SpaceX Starship’s Sonic Boom Creates Risk of Structural Damage, Test Finds

Acidly: Elon Musk's Starship, the thunderous titan of the sky, has taken "noise pollution" to new heights—literally. New measurements reveal it generates noise 10 times louder than the Falcon 9. Residents of South Padre Island found out they can now experience a sonic boom that rivals standing 200 feet from a 747. Comfortable, right? With all the charm of a freight train, Musk's rocket is subverting the local real estate market. No word yet on how to silence these booms, but hey, who needs property value anyway? More noise is just part of the show!

The Good Ol'Ads

Super Micro Shares Jump on Compliance Plan, New Auditor

Acidly: Ah, the thrill of signing in to your portfolio—nothing says 'adulting' quite like typing in credentials to glimpse your dwindling bank account. One click away from reality, where hope clashes with the sobering truth of your financial choices. It’s like logging into a digital dumpster fire, but hey, at least you can watch the flames from the comfort of your couch. Just don’t forget to cleanse your browser history; who wants that embarrassment alongside the dwindling number of investments you actually made?

'iPhone 17 Air' Rumored to Surpass iPhone 6 as Thinnest iPhone Ever

Acidly: Breaking news: Apple’s latest buzz, the iPhone 17 Air, promises to disappoint yet again. Plotted at a whopping 6mm thickness, it aims to break records... of mediocrity. Analyst Jeff Pu agrees it’s set to be the slimmest iPhone, but good luck fitting a decent battery inside that anorexic frame. Sure, it’ll weigh less than last year’s models, but when you’re aiming for “thin,” maybe just go for a slice of paper? Mark your calendars for September 2025 – or don’t, it's not like the hype matters.

Pancreatic Cancer Surge May Be Less Worrisome Than It Seemed

Acidly: In a riveting plot twist, the surge of pancreatic cancer among the youth is apparently less terrifying than initially thought. Researchers, led by a surgical resident who likely skipped a few classes, found that while diagnoses skyrocketed, actual deaths didn’t follow suit. Surprise! They're catching early-stage cancers, which, according to the experts, might not be life-threatening. So, let’s just keep slicing and dicing into young stomachs—we might as well make a hobby of it, right? Welcome to modern medicine!