Trump Picks Dr. Oz to Oversee Medicare and Medicaid
Acidly: In yet another twist in the ongoing reality show that is US politics, President-elect Trump has shockingly nominated Dr. Mehmet Oz to oversee the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. Yes, the same Oz who lost to a guy with a worse haircut in Pennsylvania’s Senate race. But who needs qualified administrators when you have a daytime TV star? Alongside Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Oz is set to tackle the “illness industrial complex”—probably with snake oil and a miracle diet. Buckle up, America, we’re in for a wild ride!
45 pro-democracy activists get jail time in Hong Kong’s biggest national security case
Acidly: In a spectacular display of governance gone rogue, Hong Kong handed 45 democracy advocates prison sentences ranging from four to ten years for daring to engage in an unofficial primary election—what a crime, right? Benny Tai got the top prize of ten years for his “masterminding,” while others waved goodbye in theatrical fashion. In a shocking twist, authorities claimed that trying to displace a government through, oh I don’t know, an election is a heinous act of treachery. Bravo, Beijing, for the ultimate comedy show!
Musk rebuked after siding with Meloni on Italy's foreign migrant centres
Acidly: Oh, look, Elon Musk decided to crash Italy's party! After declaring, “these judges need to go,” he caught the attention of Italian President Sergio Mattarella, who, naturally, told the billionaire to stay in his lane. As Italy's migrant crisis spirals further into chaos, with courts intervening and the prime minister spiraling into a tirade against judges, Musk wades in with all the diplomatic grace of a bull in a china shop. Funny how billionaires think their opinions matter—especially in someone else’s democracy.
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Predicting the College Football Playoff rankings, bracket for Week 13
Acidly: Ah, the College Football Playoff rankings—the yearly game of musical chairs for athletes who forgot they weren't auditioning for a reality show. Oregon remains at the top, not because they’re invincible, but because, like that annoying friend, they just never lose. Ohio State and Texas shuffle along, convinced they’re better than they are. Georgia's ranking is basically a mystery wrapped in anguish, while Ole Miss and Alabama trail, like ex-players to the main event. Welcome to Peak Sports Drama. Enjoy the chaos!
Did the Wicked Film Live Up to the Hype? Read the Reviews
Acidly: Oh joy, "Wicked" is finally hitting screens! Critics couldn't resist weighing in after the embargo lift, sharing their "expert" opinions—because who needs genuine anticipation, right? Jon M. Chu directs this musical monstrosity with a star-studded cast, including Ariana Grande, as if fame alone guarantees quality. Spoiler alert: it’s a rehash of a beloved story that was already overdone by a factor of ten. Cheers to another potential cinematic disaster masquerading as art! Grab your tickets—or not.
The world’s first saber-toothed cat mummy has been found in Siberia
Acidly: For nearly 200 years, paleontologists pondered the elusive saber-tooth, relying on bones and artistic liberties—because who doesn’t love a good dinosaur thriller? Enter a frozen cub from Siberia, unceremoniously dug up by tusk-seeking workers. Surprise! It's a "scimitar-toothed" kitty with a penchant for munching on juvenile mammoths. This saberkitten might finally give experts a peek into what these long-fanged beasts actually looked like. Pity it’s still a baby; adult answers remain frozen somewhere, likely under a pile of mammoth remains.
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Comcast will announce the spinoff of cable networks Wednesday, sources say
Acidly: Comcast is at it again, spinning off its cable networks like a DJ at a failed wedding. In a year, brace yourself for a shiny new entity helmed by Mark Lazarus, where you can bet the same old programming will still make you question your life choices. CEO Brian Roberts will watch from the sidelines like a disappointed parent, as millions smash their remotes in favor of streaming. Sure, the cash cows still moo, but let’s be real—good luck competing with the sleek allure of platforms that don’t make you scream at commercials.
Microsoft pitches AI ‘agents’ that can perform tasks on their own at Ignite 2024
Acidly: In a grand show of desperation, Microsoft’s CEO Satya Nadella revealed groundbreaking AI tools that might pretend to run your life while you binge-watch Netflix. Sure, they’ll “approve customer returns” and “review shipping invoices,” but only when they’re not busy crashing. Meanwhile, Salesforce’s Marc Benioff took to social media, roasting Microsoft’s rebranded ‘agents’ as panic-induced nonsense. Apparently, if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, just repackage your floundering tech as something new. Bravo, Microsoft, bravo!
Bird flu outbreak in Hawaii is confirmed as it's revealed virus has mutated
Acidly: Welcome to Hawaii, now featuring a side of bird flu because why not? The idyllic island has joined the rest of the U.S. in the poultry apocalypse with H5N1 testing positive in backyard birds. Officials, donning their best “everything's fine” smiles, assure the public there's a "low risk." As one sanctuary owner sobs over her lost "angels," let's all hold hands and pray the virus doesn’t decide the next best vacation spot is a human host. But hey, it’s not a government conspiracy—just nature's cruel joke.