SEC chair Gary Gensler resigns, leaves legacy of division and crypto feuds

Matt Gaetz withdraws from consideration as Donald Trump's attorney general

Acidly: In a stunning twist, Matt Gaetz has bowed out of consideration for Attorney General, claiming he didn't want to be a "distraction.” Right, like a man known for alleged sexual misconduct would be a smooth-sailing appointment. Senators breathed a collective sigh of relief—Cramer and Murkowski practically threw him a farewell party. Trump, ever the delusional optimist, praised Gaetz’s “wonderful future.” Sure, let’s hope that future comes with a better choice of company. Next!

ICC issues arrest warrants for Netanyahu, Gallant and Hamas commander

Acidly: In a thrilling episode of "War Crimes R Us," the International Criminal Court decided to issue warrants for groundbreaking figures: Netanyahu, Gallant, and a possibly deceased Hamas commander. These men collectively bring a new flair to the terms "murder" and "crimes against humanity." Naturally, Israel dismisses the ICC, labeling it as "antisemitic," while Hamas boasts this as a "historical precedent." Travel plans for Netanyahu? Let's just say, dodging the ICC sounds like a fun game—who needs a vacation anyway?

Italian village offers $1 homes to Americans upset by the US election result

Acidly: Ollolai, a picturesque Sardinian village, is rolling out the red carpet for disillusioned Americans post-election by selling crumbling homes for one euro and offering “fast-track” treatment to US citizens. Mayor Columbu, in a bid to revive the town's dwindling population, is basically saying, “Come for the cheap houses, stay for the goat costumes and cheese.” While they’ve had a record 38,000 inquiries, only ten homes sold since 2018. So, pack your bags for rural Italy, and pray you don’t end up in a ghost town.

The Good Ol'Ads

Browns vs. Steelers odds, prediction, spread, time: Thursday Night Football picks by NFL model on 20-8 run

Acidly: Ah, the thrilling AFC North showdown: the Pittsburgh Steelers, riding high at 8-2, and the Cleveland Browns, merely the speedbump at 2-8. The Steelers just edged the Ravens, while the Browns floundered against the Saints—classic Cleveland drama. And don't forget the weather! Conditions will make it feel like you’re rooting for a snowman with a hip injury. Steelers favored to beat the hapless Browns, who probably forgot they had a game. Tune in for this snooze-fest on Thursday!

Illinois high court overturns convictions for Jussie Smollett in alleged hoax

Acidly: In a truly riveting episode of “As the Justice System Turns,” the Illinois Supreme Court has heroically decided to free Jussie Smollett from the clutches of conviction. Yes, this guy, who staged a hate crime using the mastery of a bad soap opera script, now gets to stroll free because, apparently, prosecutors dropping charges is like an open buffet for the legal system. Enjoy your freedom, Jussie! After all, nothing screams “justice” quite like a man who lies his way into infamy and then weasels his way out. Bravo, justice!

First Close-Up of Star Outside Our Galaxy Shows a Giant About to Blow

Acidly: In an astonishing display of cosmic voyeurism, astronomers have managed to snap a close-up of a star in another galaxy, because apparently the universe was just begging for our judgment. This bulbous celestial body, looking like it’s ready to explode after a buffet binge, has set a record for cosmic intimacy. “Look, Ma! Dead stars!” exclaimed Dr. Ohnaka, clearly reaching new heights of scientific achievement. Forget earthly disasters; let’s ogle the universe's dying stars instead! Priorities, right?

The Good Ol'Ads

SEC chair Gary Gensler resigns, leaves legacy of division and crypto feuds

Acidly: Gary Gensler: Wall Street's favorite enemy. Since April 2021, he's transformed the SEC from a snooze-fest into a battleground. A former Goldman banker turned 'progressive hero,' he’s taken on crypto like a pit bull with a bone—except the bone is the livelihoods of countless entrepreneurs. His reign has ignited feuds with crypto giants, and left his own staff running for the hills. Bravo, Gensler, for making sure the capital markets are a “thrilling soap opera” for everyday Americans. Who needs stability anyway?

Google reportedly cancels Pixel Tablet 2 and might quit the category — again

Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a half-baked sitcom, Google just ditched its Pixel Tablet 3 – even before unveiling the second-gen model. Apparently, the $499 one-off from last year bombed so spectacularly that the tech giant decided to hit the eject button yet again. Though whispers of new features lingered, clearly, Google’s tablet ambitions took a swan dive into the abyss. Who needs an iPad competitor when you can pivot to glorified smart displays? One day, sales will matter; today is not that day.

Some hospitals seeing increase in RSV, 'walking pneumonia.' Here's what to know

Acidly: Ah, the joy of children flocking to the ER with RSV and "walking pneumonia," just like the good old days—before we all forgot how to interact with the germ world. Cook Children's Medical Center reports a near-record attendance of 572 kids gasping for air in Fort Worth. Remember when social distancing meant fewer germs? Yeah, that was cute. Experts say it’s just “the calm before the storm.” Lucky parents! Is your child coughing for over a week? How delightful—time to enjoy the hospital scenery! Bravo, society!