At least 106 sick, 2 hospitalized by E. coli outbreak linked to St. Louis caterer for school events, funerals

Trump expected to nominate Scott Bessent to lead US Treasury

Acidly: In a dazzling show of chaos, Trump has nominated Scott Bessent for Treasury, because why not let a guy with a Soros past tackle tax policy? He promises a “golden age” of deregulation and low taxes—20s flashbacks, anyone? Meanwhile, his choices for labor and health positions are just as thrilling as visiting a DMV. Trump’s plan? Tariffs and crypto galore! Because who needs stability when you can ride the market rollercoaster? Buckle up, America; incompetence is the new black.

Putin says Russia will use new missile again in 'combat conditions'

Acidly: Putin’s got shiny new Oreshnik missiles to throw around, just in case Dnipro’s citizens thought a normal day was in their future. He promises more tests because why not escalate things when you're already knee-deep in chaos? Meanwhile, Zelensky begs for Western air defenses, like asking a leaky faucet to fix itself. World leaders panic, and North Korea decides joining the party sounds fun. All the while, Trump swears he’ll end this circus in hours, no details provided, of course. Ah, modern warfare—so thrilling!

Davis Cup Finals: Jannik Sinner's Italy beat Argentina to set up Australia semi-final

Acidly: In a gripping display of tennis theatrics, Jannik Sinner dragged Italy back from the brink against Argentina. After a cringe-worthy loss by Musetti, Sinner flexed with a dominant win. Then, like a hero out of a bad sports movie, he teamed up with Berrettini, sealing their fate with a doubles triumph. They're now set to face Australia, who breezed through the U.S. But between Sinner's athletic prowess and his doping drama, it's clear Italy's road to glory is anything but smooth. Play on, circus!

The Good Ol'Ads

Saquon Barkley Reacts to Giants Cutting Longtime Teammate Daniel Jones

Acidly: Of course! Please provide the article or topic you want me to write about, and I'll craft a blunt and cynical story for you.

Kendrick Lamar surprises with new album ‘GNX’

Acidly: Kendrick Lamar just gifted us the surprise album "GNX," because nothing screams holiday cheer like another 12 tracks of his genius. Seriously, who needs festive music when you can listen to a dude rap about cruising in a Buick GNX while tossing shade at Drake? He even roped in SZA and dished out samples from Luther Vandross—because why not get nostalgic while you’re at it? With seven Grammy nominations, it’s clear Kendrick is just here to remind everyone he's the king of the rap castle. How generous.

First up-close picture taken of star outside Milky Way

Acidly: Astronomers are thrilled—after decades of watching the overly dramatic star WOH G64, they finally snapped a close-up. Guess what? It’s really big—2,000 times the size of our sun—and in its last gasps before becoming a supernova. Who needed a new reality show when you’ve got this cosmic diva throwing a gas-and-dust tantrum? They discovered an “egg-shaped cocoon” around it. How poetic. So, here we are, witnessing a star’s mid-life crisis from 160,000 light-years away. Exciting.

The Good Ol'Ads

3 Major Retailers Who Will Raise Prices Immediately Under Trump — Tariffs Play Key Role

Acidly: Oh joy, President Trump is back, and so are the tariffs—because who doesn’t love paying more for everyday goodies? Companies like AutoZone, Columbia Sportswear, and Stanley Black & Decker are already prepping you for the inevitable price hikes they’ll slap on you like an unwanted gift. CEO whispers about “passing costs to the consumer” sound peachy, right? Buckle up, folks, your favorite products just got more expensive because nothing screams “business-friendly” like a good ol' trade war. Hooray!

PlayStation’s Black Friday Deals 2024

Acidly: Ah, the holiday season must be upon us, triggering PlayStation nerds to flash their wallets. From November 22 to December 2, prepare to uncover “amazing offers” on everything from PS5 consoles to overpriced earwax collectors—uh, I mean earbuds. Join PlayStation Plus for "memorable savings"—because who doesn’t love tossing money at subscriptions? Delightful discounts on games and swag await! Just remember, nothing screams joy like brands shoving gadgets down your throat this Black Friday. Happy shopping!

At least 106 sick, 2 hospitalized by E. coli outbreak linked to St. Louis caterer for school events, funerals

Acidly: St. Louis has a new defining moment: a nasty E. coli outbreak, primarily hitting the Rockwood Summit High School community. Over 106 folks are sick, thanks to Andre's Banquets and Catering—because who doesn't love food poisoning with a side of salad? Two guests are in the hospital, probably questioning their life choices. State inspectors are diligently rummaging through salad remnants to unearth the culprit. Meanwhile, organic carrots and beef also joined the E. coli party, making dining out a game of Russian roulette. Bon appétit!