How Indiana's 23-point loss to Ohio State impacts Hoosiers' College Football Playoff chances

Trump taps Brooke Rollins as agriculture secretary

Acidly: In a stunning show of political strategy, President-elect Trump has decided to make Brooke Rollins the agriculture secretary. Because nothing screams "commitment to American farmers" like a former office director with a knack for think tanks. Her impressive resume includes alma mater bragging rights and a farming lineage—perfect for leading a $437 billion agency! No clue why the other candidate, Kelly Loeffler, didn’t work out, but hey, we all know surprises are Trump's specialty, right?

COP29 Climate Talks Get a Deal on Money, but Only After a Fight

Acidly: In Baku, the UN climate summit reached a groundbreaking agreement to triple funds for developing countries—$300 billion by 2035! How generous. But independent experts say $1.3 trillion is necessary to keep Earth from becoming a fiery hellscape. No worries, they want private companies and the World Bank to fill the gaping financial pit left by rich nations. Indian rep Chandni Raina aptly declared the whole affair “stage managed.” So, sit back and enjoy the melodrama as the planet cooks.

Italian village offers $1 homes to Americans upset by the US election result

Acidly: Desperate to breathe life into its fading charm, the quaint Sardinian village of Ollolai is rolling out the red carpet for disillusioned Americans post-Trump election. You can snag a dilapidated home for one euro, because why not live in a crumbling relic while trying to escape the chaos of US politics? The mayor's so eager he’s favoring Americans like they’re VIPs at a club. Spoiler: It’s still mostly empty. But hey, if you’re keen on goat-costumed carnivals and pollution-free air, this paradise awaits—if you can find it!

The Good Ol'Ads

How Indiana's 23-point loss to Ohio State impacts Hoosiers' College Football Playoff chances

Acidly: Oh, Indiana, the college football Cinderella story that slipped on its glass slipper and tripped into a ravine. They sauntered into Ohio State, full of confidence, only to be flattened like a pancake, 38-15. With a feeble 151 yards offense – their worst showing in 17 years – they left just as they came: quietly. Sure, they're 10-1, but against a schedule so weak, it makes wet tissue paper look sturdy. Here's to hoping beating 1-10 Purdue boosts them into the Playoff, because at this point, they’d need a miracle... or a saddening lack of competition.

Box Office: ‘Wicked’ Is Popular, Soaring to Third-Biggest Opening of 2024; ‘Gladiator II’ Entertains $60 Million Debut

Acidly: Wicked, the big-budget musical, is cashing in like there's no tomorrow, potentially snagging the third-largest domestic opening of 2024. With a $117 million forecast, it’s blowing past the competition, including the ambitious yet underperforming Gladiator II. Meanwhile, Dwayne Johnson's holiday flop, Red One, is sinking like a rock, and audiences are still scratching their heads over Bonhoeffer, which somehow managed an A score despite lukewarm reviews. It’s a weird weekend in cinema, where being mediocre still means profits.

China‚Äôs Zhurong Rover Finds a ‚ÄúHidden Ocean‚Äù Shoreline on Mars That Could Rewrite History

Acidly: China's Mars rover, Zhurong, recently stumbled upon what could be evidence of a long-gone ocean, possibly making it the lead detective in a cosmic whodunit. Researchers claim it's like finding an old beach in Utopia Planitia—3.68 billion years old, mind you—while critics shrug, citing erosion and asteroid drama as potential party crashers. Sure, if an ocean existed, could it have housed life? Yes, and perhaps unicorns too. Don't hold your breath; the great Martian mystery continues as we await the next round of interplanetary guessing games.

The Good Ol'Ads

Listeria outbreak: Recall issued as US says infant died

Acidly: An infant in California contributed to the grim statistical anthology of listeria deaths after a meat recall. The CDC reports that listeria isn't just a fancy Greek word but a lethal bacteria—causing chaos in the gut of unsuspecting consumers. With seven illnesses traced back to California alone, the spread covers four states, hinting at a nationwide dance of despair. Who knew ready-to-eat meat was an entry ticket to the emergency room? It's almost as if those craving convenience didn't consider the risk. Who’s hungry now?

World Of Warcraft At 20 Is The Same And Increasingly Unrecognizable, And That's By Design

Acidly: World of Warcraft turns 20 today, a digital geriatric that somehow still siphons $15 a month from millions. Blizzard, in its unsurpassed wisdom, is stubbornly clinging to nostalgia, refusing to update anything but the subscription fees. With five versions of the game running, it’s like they've realized repetitiveness is their golden goose. Executive Holly Longdale wants a sense of “home” for returning players, because who wouldn’t want to reminisce about their teenage years wasted in a pixelated fantasy? Cheers to another two decades of endless grinding!

Mpox in DR Congo: BBC visits mpox clinic as WHO says cases 'plateauing'

Acidly: In a dramatic twist of fate, DR Congo’s mpox outbreak—formerly monkeypox—decides to take a breather. Local medics report a drop in new cases, likely a result of a vaccine rollout that’s hit a whopping 50,000 folks. Miraculously, hospitals no longer resemble a chaotic marketplace. But don’t pop the champagne yet; 30% of those infected? Little kids, who are still unvaccinated. Sure, the number of patients has plummeted, but with 900 deaths this year and an 80% mortality rate? The party’s just getting started.