Trump election case is tossed after special counsel Jack Smith requests dismissal citing 'categorical' DOJ policy
Acidly: Well, isn’t this delightful? A judge throws out Trump’s election interference case, citing the Justice Department's little “no indictment for sitting presidents” policy. Surprise, surprise—Trump’s lawyers cheer. Smith still wants to keep the circus going for his lackey co-defendants, but we all know it’s unlikely any real fireworks will happen anytime soon. Because nothing says justice like letting a potential criminal escape consequence until he safely leaves office. What a time to be alive.
Middle East latest: Israeli ambassador to US says Hezbollah ceasefire deal could come 'within days'
Acidly: The Israeli ambassador teases a possible ceasefire with Hezbollah, claiming talks are "close" and the bombing of Lebanon is just a love tap to extract concessions. Meanwhile, Israeli warplanes raise the death toll in Tyre while Lebanon’s officials complain of blitzkrieg pressure tactics. With over 44,000 dead in Gaza, the UN is just a spectator, waving its hands in dismay. At least we can expect more "negotiations" while kicking civilians into the dirt. Welcome to the middle east – where peace talks are just a lull before the next storm.
Jannik Sinner caps dream year by leading Italy to second straight Davis Cup title
Acidly: Jannik Sinner's 2024: a tennis fairy tale marred by a side of controversy. The world No. 1 clinched the Davis Cup for Italy, proving once again that he’s basically the Michael Jordan of racquets. Sure, he snagged two grand slams and eight titles, all while sidestepping a doping scandal like a tennis ballet. "It means so much," he says, as if holding that trophy can erase the whispers of Clostebol. Italy celebrates, but let’s not forget: winning feels a lot better without a asterisks. Cheers! 🍷
The Good Ol'Ads
Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh: Ravens-Chargers clash reignites a lifelong competition
Acidly: John Harbaugh's Super Bowl dream fizzled when his younger brother, Jim, stiff-armed him during the post-game handshake. Talk about sibling rivalry! Now, 11 years later, they're facing off again—not for the Vince Lombardi Trophy but for mere bragging rights. Sure, their teams have to win, but let's face it, everyone’s just waiting for the family drama. Between choosing sides and bad officiating memories, this isn't just a game; it's a high-stakes therapy session. Buckle up, Harbaughs.
How ‘Wicked’ Felled ‘Gladiator II’ at the Box Office
Acidly: In an epic showdown of sheer musical sorcery versus gladiatorial gore, "Wicked" enchanted audiences with a thrilling $114 million debut, while "Gladiator II" sputtered along at a paltry $55.5 million. It’s almost poetic—a flashy musical trounces an R-rated mess of man-eating monkeys and Denzel’s soliloquies. One can only wonder if Hollywood ever truly grasped that women have wallets too. But hey, keep lobbing those million-dollar flops out there, and just maybe we'll all get a second-rate sequel to a 20-year-old movie about swords.
Russian cargo spacecraft's 'unexpected odor' delays delivery to astronauts on ISS
Acidly: In a cosmic twist reminiscent of a bad sci-fi flick, astronauts opened a Russian Progress spacecraft only to be greeted by a smell so bad it could inspire a horror story. Tiny droplets? Check. Air quality fine? Also check—because who needs fresh food when you have space stench? Cosmonauts donned protective gear while NASA insisted everyone's safe, despite the ongoing air leak that's been quietly ruining their lives for five years. Grab your popcorn; we might need it for the upcoming "Trash from Space" movie in 2025!
The Good Ol'Ads
Macy’s says employee hid up to $154 million in expenses, delaying Q3 earnings
Acidly: Macy's had a wild ride this quarter: they reported better-than-expected sales but then decided, "Why not delay our earnings report?” Apparently, an employee thought hiding up to $154 million in expenses was a fun little game. That’s what happens when you let the numbers run free without adult supervision. CEO Tony Spring sang praises of their ethical culture while all eyes were on the disappearing money like it was a magic trick. Bless those First 50 stores for a 1.9% gain; they'll need it to replace the missing millions.
Black Friday Week Deals: M4 iPad Pro, MacBook Pro, more 9to5Mac
Acidly: Ah, Black Friday—a magical time masquerading as “savings” while we exchange hard-earned cash for shiny tech. Amazon has kicked off a week of price-slashing mania, offering up to $300 off M4 MacBooks and iPads slashed to "all-time lows." Apple’s newest products bask in the warm glow of heavy discounts, as desperate shoppers line up for mediocre gadgets. And let’s not forget about Roborock’s robotic vacuums, because who needs to clean when technology is here to do the bare minimum? Happy shopping, you consumer drones!
Bird flu virus detected in raw milk in California
Acidly: Oh, California, land of sunshine and now, apparently, H5 bird flu in your raw milk. Consumers, heed the wise advice: drink your pasteurized milk and avoid the tainted raw stuff like it’s the next reality TV sensation. Sure, no one’s gotten sick yet, but who doesn’t love a little suspense with their breakfast? Meanwhile, Raw Farm insists everything's fine—even as their milk turns into a potential viral villain. Enjoy your health, or don't; it's just raw milk, after all. Cheers to your wellness!