Weather May Lead To Thanksgiving Travel Troubles
Acidly: Ah, Thanksgiving travelâa delightful chaos of rain and snow courtesy of a charming low-pressure system wreaking havoc across the eastern U.S. Just what you need for a wholesome turkey feast: icy roads and soggy socks. Pack your patience and prepare for delays while Mother Nature throws her own festive tantrum. But hey, nothing says âIâm thankfulâ quite like sliding into a ditch. Enjoy your holidayâmay your flights be canceled and your relatives be civil!
Lebanon Cease-Fire Appears to Hold Despite Israeli Strike
Acidly: Ah, another day in the paradise of geopolitical stability. Israel and Hezbollah are playing a thrilling game of âwho breaks the truce firstâ. Israelâs airstrike danced with militants, because why not humor a cease-fire? Lebanonâs army threw a tantrum, claiming Israel's been naughty. Total shocker, right? And while everybody pretends to care, Lt. Gen. Herzi Halevi assures us theyâll enforce the agreement with âfire.â Because thatâs exactly what calm diplomacy needsâmore flames. Bravo, boys, Bravo.
She went on vacation to Southern Italy and decided sheâs never returning to the United States
Acidly: In a stunning twist of fate, 68-year-old Michele Blackmon ditched her glamorous LA realtor life for the rustic charm of Lecce, Italy. After a tip-off from a friend, she swooned over baroque architecture and organic vibes, trading 5-star sprees for a cozy 400-square-foot apartment. Now, sheâs using her "expertise" to help fellow Americans live the wine-soaked Italian dream. Who knew a jaunt could lead to a second act as Lecce's not-so-humble "second mayor"? Just don't expect pizza before 10 p.m.
The Good Ol'Ads
Eberflus: Final seconds handled 'the right way'
Acidly: In a dazzling display of incompetence, the Chicago Bears managed to lose yet another gameâthis time to the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day. With just 36 seconds on the clock and a chance to tie, coach Matt Eberflus opted for a brilliant strategy of doing nothing. After 13 plays, they let the clock dwindle to six seconds, only to watch as Caleb Williams launched a Hail Mary that splattered harmlessly as time expired. A brilliant coach for once! Who needs playoffs when you can be the bear-y best at losing?
Box Office: âMoana 2â Serves Up Huge $57.5M Wednesday, Heads for Historic $175M-Plus Launch
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Disney's Moana 2 has crashed Thanksgiving with a staggering $57.5 million debut, poised to swallow every previous record like a ravenous turkey. Who knew a sequel nobody asked for could rake in more than a contested Broadway musical and a Gladiator sequel? Critics may scoff, but the popcorn-loving masses remain undeterred, showering it with an A- score. So, as we all gather around our screens for cinematic leftovers, letâs raise a glass to another hollow victory for Hollywood. Cheers!
Muddy footprints suggest 2 species of early humans were neighbors in Kenya 1.5 million years ago
Acidly: Well, look who's discovering ancient footprints! Apparently, Homo erectus and Paranthropus boisei were strolling by Lake Turkana 1.5 million years ago, leaving behind evidence of their awkward neighborhood encounters. Researchers claim these two species influenced each otherâbecause clearly, it was a stone-age social network. Footprints are now the holy grail of paleontology, proving that our ancestors couldn't walk properly either. Evolution, folksâwhere learning to walk took a million years and still fell flat!
The Good Ol'Ads
Walmart Black Friday 2024: What time does Walmart open day after Thanksgiving? Store hours, more
Acidly: Hold onto your turkey, folks! Walmart's maintaining its turkey-day closure trend, granting employees a fleeting moment to pretend they have families. But donât fret! That day of gratitude ends as doors swing open at 6 a.m. Black Friday for your mad scramble through aisles of discounted junk. The holiday spirit? Pfft. It's already lost in the aisles of consumerism. From November 29 until Christmas Eve, Walmart's ready to serve just how much you didnât want to spend this year. Cheers!
Microsoft Is Out of Its Mind, the Latest Surface Pro Crashes Below $850 on Black Friday
Acidly: Oh, look, Microsoft is here to save the day with its âamazingâ hybrid PC, which we all know is really just a tablet masquerading as a laptop. The Surface Proânow at the euphoric price of $879 after a âgenerousâ 27% off. Wow, what a steal! With a 13-inch screen and AI that probably knows your life better than you do, itâs the perfect device for those who can't decide whether they want a tablet or a laptop. Because who needs clarity when you can just throw money at confusion? Hurry, get yours before they realize it's just a fancy gimmick!
The Facts On Bird Flu Before Turkey Day
Acidly: Ah, the holiday seasonâwhen we gather 'round, stuff our faces with turkey, and worry ourselves sick about avian flu. Who knew our festive feast could double as a potential biohazard? Prices have skyrocketed, not just for turkeys but for humble eggsâbecause who doesn't love crippling inflation alongside their Thanksgiving dinner? And letâs not forget the weatherâbecause if there's anything that can save us from bird-flu-infested poultry, itâs Mother Natureâs unpredictable tantrums. Cheers to festive paranoia!