'Dangerously cold wind chills': Millions facing frigid temperatures, snow
Acidly: Ah, winter's returned to slap us in the face with subzero temps and snow totals that would give a polar bear frostbite. While 196 million Americans wake up feeling like frozen popsicles, our dear friends in the Great Lakes are bracing for a delightful 50 inches of snow. Meanwhile, authorities advise cautious driving over a flimsy dusting because, apparently, even a sneeze on the pavement is like adding oil to a fire. Stay cozy, folks—nothing quite says holiday cheer like dangerously cold wind chills.
In pictures: First look at Notre Dame’s breathtaking restoration five years after fire
Acidly: Ah, the phoenix rising from its ashes: Notre Dame’s back, like a bad sequel no one asked for. Five years after watching its fiery downfall, President Macron has revealed the cathedral’s makeover, just in time for a pretentious reopening gala. Talk about a monumental bill! €700 million to resurrect a building that made headlines for all the wrong reasons. The architects must be thrilled; who wouldn’t want a 12th-century building with a dash of modern-day pressure? Mark your calendars: December 7-8, when the world can pretend it cares.
She went on vacation to Southern Italy and decided she’s never returning to the United States
Acidly: Michele Blackmon ditched her glitzy LA life for Puglia, and now plays Lecce's "second mayor." Who knew that a mediocre post-Covid getaway could spark such a cliché love affair? This 68-year-old, once drowning in luxury real estate, is reveling in 400-square-foot digs and the thrill of organic farmers' markets. But let’s not forget her real estate hustle extended to wine, where she's also trying to channel her inner sommelier. Because nothing screams "authenticity" like once being rich while pretending to live the simple life. Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Chiefs fend off Raiders' upset bid after Las Vegas blows potential game-winning field goal chance
Acidly: In a masterclass of mediocrity, the 11-1 Chiefs somehow eked out a win against the 2-10 Raiders. The game had all the makings of a tragedy, with rookie center Jackson Powers-Johnson snapping the ball to the unaware quarterback Aidan O’Connell like it was a casual Friday at the office. Fumble recovered. Game over. That's the Chiefs: winning ugly, as their offense flounders against inferior foes. But hey, when you're this consistently lucky, why bother improving? Super Bowl here they come—again.
Taylor Swift's 'Eras Tour' book is a Target exclusive: Here's how to get one
Acidly: This Black Friday, forget the tech frenzy—it's all about books! Yes, Taylor Swift's "Eras Tour" book is flying off the shelves at Target because who wouldn't want 256 pages chronicling a pop star's ego? Priced at a whopping $39.99, it promises exclusive photos and personal musings. Because nothing says "I love you, fans" like a $40 coffee table book. And don't miss her new album, “The Tortured Poets Department,” coming in vinyl that costs more than your lunch. Merry consumerism!
Fossilized footprints reveal 2 extinct hominin species living side by side 1.5 million years ago
Acidly: Once upon a time, two species of hominins decided to take a leisurely stroll at Kenya's Lake Turkana—1.5 million years ago, mind you. Fast forward to now, paleontologists are all hyped about their fossilized footprints. It’s like finding out your ancient relatives were really just as clueless and bumbling as you are. Did they slip into hippo tracks? Oh, delight! Guess we’re not the only ones making a mess of life choices. Ready for a museum visit in 2025? Because nothing says "exciting" like dusty footprints of our not-so-ancient relatives.
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow jumps nearly 200 points to record in short session, S&P 500 posts best month of 2024: Live updates
Acidly: Ah, the stock market just loves to ignore reality! The Dow, S&P 500, and Nasdaq are soaring like they’ve discovered a magical, never-ending stash of cash. Chip stocks, buoyed by whispers of light restrictions from Biden on selling to China, rallied impressively. Meanwhile, the masses cheer as if Trump’s presidency is some sort of cosmic blessing for their portfolios. But remember, a “bull market” doesn’t last forever—eventually, reality cranks up the music, and everyone will be left to waltz alone.
The ‘Fortnite’ Juice WRLD Concert Event Start Time, And When To Log In
Acidly: Fortnite fans, prepare yourselves for a monumental concert featuring Juice WRLD, Snoop Dogg, and possibly even more ghosts. Yes, it’s the ‘Fortnite Remix: The Finale’—perfect for fans desperate enough to jam with an avatar of a dead guy. Log in early because who doesn’t love waiting around for forty minutes with strangers? Miss it, and enjoy that FOMO. Oh, and grab your Slayer Juice WRLD skin before the servers crash. A fitting tribute to a ghostly rapper in our digital circus. Cheers!
Valley woman dies from rabies after suspected bat bite, health officials confirm
Acidly: In a tragic twist worthy of a horror script, Fresno County's art teacher Leah Seneng succumbed to rabies after a charming encounter with a bat, turning classroom chaos into a fatality. Though the creature's intentions remain unclear, Leah's good-hearted attempt to rescue it sent her spiraling into a coma and a hasty departure from this world. Now, her grieving friend Laura Splotch mourns a vibrant life extinguished, while health officials assure us there's no public threat—just another day in the life of poor decision-making.