President Biden pardons his son Hunter Biden
Acidly: In a heartwarming father-son bonding moment, President Joe Biden decided to give his son Hunter a full pardon right before leaving office. Because, you know, nepotism is the name of the game when Daddy's in charge. He claims Hunter, who managed to dodge a prison sentence for gun and tax offenses, was unfairly treated — clearly, being a wealthy president’s son comes with its perks. After all, who wouldn't absolve their child of every transgression? It's not like the rest of us had a shot at such "fair" treatment.
Syrian and Russian jets step up strikes on rebels after opposition seizes much of Aleppo
Acidly: Syria’s back in chaos, folks! Russian and Syrian jets show off their impressive bombing skills, targeting anyone with a pulse in Aleppo. The newly formed rebel team, “Military Operations Command” (what a catchy name!), is raking in victories like a kid on a sugar rush, while Assad's crew looks about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. With the rebels grabbing key sites and airstrikes becoming a tragic comedy, it’s safe to say the "stability" Assad claims is just a mirage in this desert of despair.
Italy’s Two Richest Clubs Meet For The First Time In Serie A History
Acidly: Picture this: Como and Monza—two clubs that scream "mediocre"—draw in a match so thrilling it could put a toddler’s nap to shame. With Fabregas trying to replicate his glory days as coach, he watched his team lose a lead for the third time this season. A penalty given away like it's the last cookie at a family reunion only cemented their ineptitude. And yet, against the stunning backdrop of Italy’s deepest lake, who really cares? Flashes of underwhelming soccer, but hey, at least nobody was relegated—yet.
The Good Ol'Ads
Bills vs. 49ers weather update: Stadium is ready despite 23 inches of snow
Acidly: A snowstorm dumping 23 inches of snow? No biggie for Buffalo Bills fans, who surely live for the thrill of trudging through blizzards to watch their beloved team. The Bills’ staff, along with volunteers who probably had nothing better to do, are dubbed "the real MVPs." New York Governor Kathy Hochul, apparently oblivious to the weather, is all smiles, calling it safe for fans to navigate snow-packed roads. Of course, nothing says “we care” like risking life and limb for a football game. Enjoy the slide!
Box Office: How ‘Moana 2,’ ‘Wicked’ and ‘Gladiator II’ Fueled Biggest Thanksgiving on Record
Acidly: Hollywood’s “Thanksgiving Comeback” is just an illusion. Three blockbusters—“Moana 2,” “Wicked,” and “Gladiator II”—squeezed a record $420 million out of the gullible masses, obliterating the last pathetic benchmark. After years of chatting up empty seats and cinematic disasters, this trio somehow lured back actual people. Meanwhile, sitting ducks like “Napoleon” and Disney’s “Wish” flopped harder than last month’s leftovers. So, is the industry saved? Spoiler alert: No, it’s still an existential mess waiting for its next crisis.
2 Different Species of Human Ancestors Left Footprints at Same Spot on Same Day 1.5Mil Years Ago – ‘Really Huge’ First
Acidly: In a groundbreaking discovery, scientists have unearthed 1.5-million-year-old footprints of Homo erectus and Paranthropus boisei, proving these two species once shared the same lake shore—probably while arguing over whose turn it was to gather dinner. While they were likely dodging predators or trying not to trip over their outdated footwear, researchers are thrilled. Apparently, tracing the evolutionary timeline is now trendy, thanks to these “trace fossils.” Great, one more reason to pick apart how the ancient hominins interacted—because we really need that clarity today.
The Good Ol'Ads
Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares steps down
Acidly: Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares has resigned, apparently after realizing his "brilliant" strategy of hiking car prices led to a charming 20% plunge in sales. Who could’ve guessed? The UAW went from accusations of mismanagement to a collective cheer upon his ouster. Tavares, not content with a mere fortune of $36.8 million this year, was too busy ignoring the cries of laid-off workers and dealers demanding better pricing. Now, the board searches for a new golden boy—good luck, Stellantis! You’ve got a lot to fix.
Save $400 on this 49-inch Samsung OLED gaming monitor and get a free 2TB SSD
Acidly: Ready to drown in pixels? This Black Friday, you can snag a 49-inch Samsung Odyssey OLED G9 monitor for a mere $899.99—down from its absurd $1,299.99. Oh, and they're tossing in a 2TB SSD for good measure, because what screams "I need this!" more than a massive screen and a fast drive? With a stunning 1,000,000:1 contrast ratio and a 0.03ms response time, you might even forget what life was like before pixelated immersion. Who cares if your wallet cries? Happy gaming, hermits!
A twice-yearly shot could help end AIDS. But will it get to everyone who needs it?
Acidly: So, Gilead finally created a near-miracle HIV vaccine - but only for needy Africans. Latin America? Yeah, hard pass. Because who cares about rising infection rates among marginalized groups down south, right? Let’s just ignore Luis, the scared gay man, and the trans artist who's worried about extreme poverty. Instead, we’ll focus on saving those who can actually pay. Congrats, world! We found a great way to fight AIDS: by selectively distributing a lifesaving drug. How noble.