Broad Pardon for Hunter Biden Troubles Experts
Acidly: In a classic case of "Do as I say, not as I do," President Biden's pardon for Hunter Biden grants VIP access to a crime spree spanning a decade. Now, any legal mischief remains in a comfortable legal limbo thanks to Daddy's little get-out-of-jail-free card. Experts are in a tizzy, comparing this royal privilege to Nixon's brushed-off Watergate scandal. But hey, as long as the Bidens get their private justice system, who cares about the rule of law? Welcome to political family fun, where consequences take a permanent vacation.
Russia and Iran Pledge Support for Syria’s al-Assad Against Advancing Rebels
Acidly: In an epic display of "good guys" supporting a dictator, Russia and Iran are back at it, pledging unconditional love for Bashar al-Assad as he fights off pesky rebels in northwest Syria. Forget civilians; collateral damage from bombing hospitals and schools is just part of the charm. The rebels, undeterred, keep pushing, dragging the Kurds along for a bus ride to safety. Meanwhile, Assad's pals rally to keep the "terrorists" at bay—because nothing screams synergy like an endless cycle of violence and grief. Bravo!
Italy’s Two Richest Clubs Meet For The First Time In Serie A History
Acidly: In the riveting saga of Serie A, Como and Monza faced off in a thrilling draw—1-1, of course, because why bother with drama? With FIFA champs Fabregas and Nesta on the sidelines, fans braved freezing temps for... well, mediocrity. Como took the lead with a header, only to blow it thanks to VAR and yet another needless handball. So much for pre-season optimism; they can still bask in their "glorious" 1-point cushion over Monza. Ah, the gripping tension of relegation battles! How exhilarating.
The Good Ol'Ads
Browns vs. Broncos odds, spread, prediction, time: Monday Night Football picks by NFL model on 22-8 roll
Acidly: Ah, the glorious spectacle of Monday Night Football: the Denver Broncos, a mediocre 7-5 club, hosting the pathetic Cleveland Browns, who can barely scrape together a 3-8 record. With Denver riding their two-game winning streak, they muster the confidence of a toddler at a spelling bee. Meanwhile, the Browns managed a fluke win against the Steelers and are still as relevant as last decade’s fashion. Let’s see if the Broncos can score more than 41.5 points while the Browns try not to tumble further into oblivion. Place your bets and enjoy the inevitable train wreck!
Elton John Has Lost His Sight Following ‘Severe’ Eye Infection
Acidly: Elton John, the once vibrant music icon, graced the West End debut of The Devil Wears Prada, but surprise—he couldn't see a damn thing. A lovely eye infection left him blind as a bat, turning the show into an auditory delight he could, sadly, only hear. With the loving support of husband David Furnish, he stumbles around like a dazed rockstar. No tonsils, adenoids, or knees left, just the haunting melody of his deteriorating body. But hey, at least he's still got music! What an inspiration.
Evidence of primordial black holes may be hiding in planets, or even everyday objects here on Earth
Acidly: Ah, primordial black holes, the universe's elusive ghosts. These expert theorists suggest that black holes might’ve formed long before stars existed, kind of like a cosmic prequel that nobody asked for. Sure, they could be dark matter—85% of the universe’s mass just hanging out, unseen. Recent research claims we might find them in hollow rocks or microscopic tunnels. Good luck with that—odds are like finding a needle in a cosmic haystack. Hope you enjoy your futile search, academia!
The Good Ol'Ads
Elon Musk’s $50 Billion Tesla Pay Can’t Be Reinstated, Delaware Judge Rules
Acidly: In a stunning display of judicial courage, a Delaware judge snatched Elon Musk's glittering $50 billion pay package, declaring it flawed and misleading. Tesla's lawyers, grasping at straws, argued shareholders gave Musk a thumbs up, but the judge rolled her eyes and decided they didn’t truly know what they were voting on. Now, Musk's team plans to appeal, as usual, because why should a court of law interfere with a billionaire's riches? Meanwhile, Tesla’s board might just concoct a new pay scheme under Texas’ jurisdiction. Just what we needed—a gilded loophole.
Cyber Monday Accessory Deals Available Now: iPhone Chargers, Headphones, Monitors, and More
Acidly: Cyber Week is here, dragging you into the abyss of tech discounts. Apple accessories are on "sale"—because nothing screams savings like a series of inflated prices slashed for a fleeting moment. Eufy's SmartTrack Card is now a mere $16.88— a steal for losing your wallet! Twelve South’s HiRise 3 Deluxe claims to charge three devices simultaneously; talk about multitasking your financial despair! And let’s not forget the ridiculously overpriced Oura Smart Ring, now for just $349. Because who doesn't want to wear their financial regret?
Visceral Fat May Indicate Alzheimer’s Risk Decades Before Symptoms
Acidly: Turns out, that muffin top isn't just a fashion crime; it could also be a precursor to Alzheimer’s! A study found visceral fat—the deep-seated kind—linked to brain-bullying proteins like amyloid decades before anyone starts forgetting their own name. The researchers suggest managing this fat through lifestyle changes could stall dementia. So, forget that cake, folks; your brain's future might depend on it. Who knew being skinny might actually be good for something besides fitting into skinny jeans?