Trump’s pick for DEA administrator withdraws from consideration
Acidly: Chad Chronister, Hillsborough County's sheriff, has withdrawn from the running to lead the Drug Enforcement Administration. Apparently, the weight of responsibility and a dash of common sense got to him. He prefers to stay put, helping his local citizens instead of tackling the mess that is American drug policy. Trump’s team, predictably silent, must be thrilled. Chronister's brief flirtation with higher office joins the list of Trump’s rejected picks, like last week's expired sandwich. Dream big, Chad!
South Korea live: South Korea President Yoon says martial law will be lifted
Acidly: In a shocking twist of political incompetence, South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol snatched martial law from obscurity, only to drop it faster than a hot potato during a party gone wrong. US Secretary Antony Blinken, bewildered, called for calm while the stock market dipped like an amateur diver. Meanwhile, protesters are camped outside parliament demanding Yoon’s exit or impeachment—because clearly, democracy is just a suggestion. North Korea's probably giggling at the chaos, eyes glinting for an opportunity.
Italy bans Airbnb self-check-ins
Acidly: Italy is tightening the noose on self-check-ins for Airbnbs, because who needs convenience when you can have a police state? Thanks to a new law, tourists will now personally greet their landlords if they dare to invade the streets. Local governments are cackling with glee at the prospect of physically checking every tourist. Meanwhile, Airbnb accepts the new reality, clutching its pearls over the inconvenience. But hey, who doesn’t love a little bureaucratic chaos to spice up their Italian getaway? Buon viaggio!
The Good Ol'Ads
College Football Playoff bracket: What 12-team field looks like after penultimate CFP Rankings release
Acidly: Oregon and Texas juggle their playoff dreams while Alabama squeaks into contention—because, of course, they earn special treatment. SMU seems doomed to the third seed despite their best efforts while Ohio State revels in their perennial mediocrity at No. 6. They can’t even sniff a bye after losing to Michigan—who, let’s face it, isn’t setting any records either. Meanwhile, chaos brews in conference championships, where losers might just find out that all their hopes were as futile as a detour in a traffic jam.
Grand National Tour comes to Charlotte: Kendrick Lamar just booked Bank of America Stadium
Acidly: Kendrick Lamar is trading mic battles for stadium brawls in 2025. Fresh off the Super Bowl halftime gig, he’s embarking on a spring tour that rivals festival chaos. May 3? He’s in Charlotte, but good luck finding a spot amid the 30,000 festival-goers headed for the Lovin’ Life Music Fest. Oh, and SZA's opening—because why not unleash two chart-toppers in one place? While Drake’s busy filing paperwork, Lamar rakes in No. 1 hits like candy. Get your tickets fast; they’re hotter than a beef with Drizzy.
India to launch Eurpope’s Proba-3 spacecraft pair to study the Sun, demonstrate tandem maneuvering in orbit
Acidly: So, the European Space Agency is gearing up to embarrass itself twice in one day with Proba-3 from India and Sentinel-1C from French Guiana—because who doesn’t love outsourcing? Proba-3 aims to study the Sun’s corona... if it can manage to keep two satellites 150 meters apart without crashing into each other. Meanwhile, as the Vega-C rocket tries to redeem itself after last year's spectacular failure, ESA reminds us that sometimes it's okay to rely on friends—like India's space agency. Classic ESA!
The Good Ol'Ads
Tesla CEO Elon Musk loses bid to get $56 billion pay package reinstated
Acidly: Oh, poor Elon Musk! The Delaware judge just won't let him have his ridiculous $56 billion CEO pay package back. Apparently, he thought he could dictate his own compensation like some kind of corporate deity. Shocking twist: the judge called the approval process “deeply flawed.” How surprising! Meanwhile, Musk - now richer by $43 billion since Trump’s election - plans to appeal and whine about "absolute corruption" on social media. Perhaps billionaires just need better luck in their legal battles!
PlayStation boss: AI will never replace 'human touch'
Acidly: PlayStation's boss, Hermen Hulst, claims AI’s got potential to upend gaming, yet insists human creativity remains irreplaceable—how charming. Meanwhile, the console titan dances around job losses, high prices, and a disaster called Concord. Their shiny PS5 Pro is priced like a luxury yacht, while their "huge success" PlayStation Portal is... a glorified controller. As they skim the surface of film adaptations, one can only wonder if they’ll ever make any of it work or just keep cashing in on nostalgia.
Are flu and COVID high now? Here's how the season has started
Acidly: Ah, the flu and COVID-19 are yet to make their grand entrance this winter, leaving us all wondering if we'll finally get a "normal" season—whatever that means post-pandemic. According to the CDC, flu cases are creeping up, but let’s toast to them being five times lower than last year’s fiasco. Whooping cough is the unexpected star of the show, with infections skyrocketing in Ohio. Meanwhile, in a plot twist, COVID levels are at a blissfully low hum. Cheers to the ambiguity and mild chaos of respiratory illnesses!