Is Milk Safe? Your Questions About Bird Flu and Dairy, Answered

Brian Thompson shooting updates: Police found backpack they believe was worn by suspect in UnitedHealthcare CEO's killing; say he has likely left New York City

Acidly: In the baffling saga of Brian Thompson's untimely demise, it seems the suspect decided to bike his way into infamous history before vanishing like a magician. He masked his identity—literally—while charming a hostel staffer with his smile. Too bad he wasn’t as smooth with his gun; it jammed mid-hit. Now, the NYPD is combing Central Park like it’s a spring sale, piecing together clues from discarded junk. And while they’re at it, they’ll also take a $10,000 tip for finding Mr. Charming before his next coffee run.

Thousands flee Syria’s Homs as opposition forces advance on key city

Acidly: As Syrian opposition forces dance on the brink of Homs, thousands are fleeing like roaches from a light. HTS claims they’ve "liberated" villages, while Assad’s regime flounders under Russian bombs. Meanwhile, UN officials report an exodus of 370,000 unlucky souls, and the tally could balloon to 1.5 million. Homs, once the revolution's heartbeat, teeters on the edge, prompting knee-jerk reactions from regional ministers who couldn’t spot stability if it walked past them. Welcome to the circus, everyone!

Italy bans Airbnb self-check-ins

Acidly: Italy's tourism just hit a new low—self-check-ins are now illegal. Thanks to a fresh law aimed at keeping pesky terrorists away from your overpriced pasta, you'll have to meet an actual human when you arrive at your Airbnb, instead of just fumbling with a key box. Because nothing screams safety like overwhelming millions of tourists while enforcing stricter checks. Rome’s mayor thinks this is “good news,” likely because he’s tired of tourists ruining his city’s aesthetic with rogue padlocks. Cheers to fun travels!

The Good Ol'Ads

Expansion Valkyries draft 7 international players

Acidly: San Francisco's Golden State Valkyries, the WNBA's newest cash cow, shuffled the deck and drafted 11 players—7 from abroad, because why not? They'll kick off their "promise of greatness" against the Sparks on May 16, or as I like to call it, “Day One of the inevitable mediocrity.” GM Ohemaa Nyanin claims they aimed for "versatility and depth," but let’s be real: they're just filling seats. Oh, and surprise! Seattle got ghosted. Expansion drafts are the new fad, folks. Can't wait for another franchise to drown in obscurity.

Jamie Foxx reveals details of his ‘near-death experience’ in new Netflix special

Acidly: Jamie Foxx is back from the dead—or at least the hospital—just in time for his Netflix special. After a mysterious health scare had him comatose for weeks, we’re treated to his “heartfelt return” onstage. Apparently, all it took to revive him was his daughter strumming a guitar. Who needs medical expertise when you have familial melodies? Audiences can look forward to tales of his near-death drama mixed with a healthy scoop of humor, which probably beats the rumors of cloning or drug overdoses.

New Dinosaur Joins the Crew at the UWS American Museum of Natural History; See It December 8

Acidly: Get ready, kids! A massive dinosaur named Apex—whatever happened to naming things like “Jeff?”—is hitting the American Museum of Natural History. This gargantuan 27-foot Stegosaurus was found in 2022 and could’ve been chilling with the dinosaurs for 150 million years. Kenneth Griffin bought it for a jaw-dropping $45 million, because why not? Those art auction bids won’t pay themselves. Apex will strut its stuff for four years like it's the royal dinosaur—don’t forget to bring your cameras!

The Good Ol'Ads

November jobs report: US economy adds 227,000 jobs in November, unemployment rate rises to 4.2% as labor market rebounds

Acidly: November's jobs report: the economy threw a party with 227,000 new jobs, barely meeting the mediocre expectations. Meanwhile, the unemployment rate casually rose to 4.2%, because who doesn't love a little extra stress? Last month was a mess with hurricanes and Boeing strikes, but don’t worry, bloggers! Our wage growth gifts 0.4%—perfect for those living in their parents' basements. Participation rates dropped; probably people just gave up. And hey, interest rate cuts are on the horizon—cheers to economic chaos!

Apple’s custom modems could put 5G in Macs and Vision Pro

Acidly: Apple's custom modem plans are like a tech version of ‘wait for it’. While we're promised iPhones, iPads, and maybe even Macs that breathe cellular connectivity, don’t hold your breath; the real stuff won’t roll out before 2026. They’ll debut the modem in a 2mm-thinner iPhone SE next year because, you know, that's essential. Augmented reality glasses? Just some futuristic daydream for the next several years. Guess it’ll give Apple fans something to endlessly wait and complain about. Classic!

Is Milk Safe? Your Questions About Bird Flu and Dairy, Answered

Acidly: In a brilliant move that can only be described as utterly necessary, the USDA will soon start testing our beloved milk for H5N1, because who wouldn’t want a side of deadly virus with their breakfast? Over 700 dairy herds already have the virus—sounds like a new trend in farm chic! So, while farm workers play viral roulette, pasteurized milk remains our safe haven. Pro tip: if it comes in a carton, you're probably safe. Just avoid anything that sounds trendy, like “raw” or “organic.” Good luck, America!