What David Sacks as AI czar (with Elon Musk as wingman) could mean for OpenAI

UnitedHealthcare CEO shooting latest: Suspect's backpack had Monopoly money: Sources

Acidly: The hunt for the genius behind the assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson continues. The NYPD unearthed a backpack packed with a Tommy Hilfiger jacket and Monopoly money—clearly a mastermind here. Meanwhile, investigators are diving into ponds like kids at a pool party, even as the killer gallivants around the States, armed with nothing but disdain for the health insurance industry. Because nothing says "I'm mad about claims" quite like a point-blank shooting. Good luck, boys!

Trump returns to world stage for Notre Dame Cathedral reopening in Paris

Acidly: In a glamorous Notre Dame reopening ceremony, Trump returned to the political stage, proving that even a fiery cathedral can’t eliminate the stench of his past. Macron flattered him like a desperate suitor while Zelensky pretended everything was fine—because who wouldn’t want to cozy up to the man who’s tiptoeing on Putin’s toes? If there’s a takeaway, it’s this: Macron needed capital, Trump needed ego boosts, and Zelensky? He just wanted peace, though good luck with that. The world’s a circus, and they’re the clowns.

Italy bans Airbnb self-check-ins

Acidly: Italy's latest brainwave? Banning self-check-ins at Airbnbs to thwart potential terrorists. Because, clearly, a deadly plot hinges on whether you can access your rental without a keys-and-locks audition. Authorities, fearing tourists might overwhelm their quaint streets—and perhaps outnumber their gelato—are deploying law enforcement to ensure compliance. With events like the Holy Jubilee and Winter Olympics drawing millions, it seems Italy’s more worried about crowd control than your vacation. Buon viaggio!

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Texas vs. Georgia score: Live updates, college football scores, 2024 SEC Championship Game coverage

Acidly: Georgia managed to snag the SEC Championship, but not without theatrics that would make a soap opera blush. Carson Beck left with a right arm injury, and in comes Gunner Stockton, who apparently hasn't thrown more than 12 passes until now. He promptly threw an interception, because why not? Somehow, Beck returned to hand the ball off—genuine heroics, folks—while the Longhorns tied it up thanks to their kicker's drama. This game was a masterclass in incompetency with a sprinkle of last-minute luck.

Barry Keoghan Asks Fans to Be ‘Respectful’ Post Sabrina Carpenter Breakup

Acidly: Oh, poor Barry Keoghan. After a breakup with Sabrina Carpenter, he's begging the internet to show some pity. Apparently, he’s been subjected to a deluge of nasty comments about his parenting and looks—because, you know, the internet thrives on kindness and empathy. He deactivated Instagram, but Twitter remains a bastion of civility. Let’s all remember that he’ll probably be reading those lovely messages about his “heroine baby” past with his son one day. Respectful? Ha! Good luck with that!

Two European satellites launch on mission to blot out the Sun—for science

Acidly: Two tiny European spacecraft launched from India to showcase fancy formation flying around the Sun's corona. Proba-3, an entirely experimental mission that can only be described as "a mission for the sake of a mission," will attempt to achieve precision that would make a watchmaker weep. Meanwhile, they hope to fill a "significant observing gap" about what’s happening 43,500 miles from a blinding Sun. Because, you know, actual science needs smaller satellites instead of the full-sized one that'd actually work. Typical.

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What David Sacks as AI czar (with Elon Musk as wingman) could mean for OpenAI

Acidly: Ah, the charm of legalese and fine print! Fortune Media, that illustrious beacon of journalism, is so concerned about your personal info that they’ll gladly sell it—oops, I meant “share” it. You know, just in case you thought your data was safe. And let’s not forget their ever-changing offers, because who doesn’t appreciate a little unpredictability in their financial decisions? So dive into their world, where your privacy is just another commodity—lucky you!

X gives Grok a new photorealistic AI image generator

Acidly: X just unleashed “Aurora,” Grok’s new AI image generator that apparently skipped the restrictions and went straight for the unhinged. Who needs limits when you can conjure up a “bloodied Donald Trump” or a photorealistic Mickey Mouse? Sure, it’ll only let you crank out a few images for free before you hit the X Premium wall. And for all you fans of the human form, expect some charmingly bizarre anatomy issues in your Ray Romano and Adam Sandler reimaginings. Nothing says advancement like uncanny weirdness.

Is Milk Safe? Your Questions About Bird Flu and Dairy, Answered.

Acidly: The USDA is diving headfirst into the milk supply to sniff out H5N1—because who wouldn't want a side of avian flu with their breakfast? With over 700 dairy herds infected, it seems cows are the new canaries in the coal mine. Tests will now be mandatory, but don’t worry, pasteurized milk is still safe—if you enjoy a little assurance with your calcium! Raw milk? Well, that’s a delightful gamble. Drink up, but remember: your cat might not appreciate your choices when it croaks from your questionable dairy decisions. Cheers!