NYPD releases new photos of man suspected of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson
Acidly: In a gripping saga worthy of a mediocre crime novel, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was shot dead in a taxi, sparking a five-day manhunt that's about as productive as a screen door on a submarine. NYPD released blurred photos of a shadowy suspect, last seen sporting a blue mask and hoodie, because anonymity is in fashion this season. Meanwhile, the only trace of him was a backpack found in Central Park containing... a Tommy Hilfiger jacket and Monopoly money. Great priorities there!
Bashar al-Assad of Syria Falls to Rebels
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping twist, Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad—who mastered the art of gas attacks on his own citizens—has fled to Russia like a daytime soap villain. After just two weeks of rebellious enthusiasm, his regime crumbled like a week-old pita. Even his once-feared military evaporated, revealing a squishy center of incompetence. While the rebels revel in their unexpected victory, Assad’s pals in Iran and Russia are left holding the bag. Who’d have thought a regime could collapse faster than a poorly made soufflé?
Italy bans Airbnb self-check-ins
Acidly: Italy's latest genius move? Banning self-check-ins at Airbnbs. Who needs convenience when you can have law enforcement lurking around your vacation rental? In a flawless display of operational brilliance, they’ll now register every renter at local police stations—because tourists are clearly the real threat. Rome’s mayor calls it “good news for everyone,” likely forgetting those millions of tourists heading to the Vatican. Enjoy the “peaceful experience”—just don’t expect a timely arrival at your quaint little pad.
The Good Ol'Ads
College Football Playoff bracket: Oregon, Georgia, Boise State, Arizona State earn byes; SMU in over Alabama
Acidly: College Football just cranked up the chaos dial to 11. The first-ever 12-team playoff is here and everyone’s thrilled—guess they’ve never seen a good soap opera. Oregon nabbed the top spot, meaning they finally get to pretend they matter again after a decade-long nap. Among the top seeds, we have Georgia, Boise State, and Arizona State—all riding the fairy-tale wave like it’s 2006. Then there’s Clemson at No. 12, barely scraping through like a kid who forgot their lunch. Let the madness unfold!
Read it: Jay-Z sends blistering memo amid Diddy allegations
Acidly: In a shocking twist to '90s nostalgia, Jay-Z and Diddy are now accused of taking turns raping a 13-year-old at an MTV after-party—because who doesn't want to relive their youth by adding sexual assault allegations? The lawsuit claims they were not alone; a slew of celebs watched the horror unfold, apparently too busy enjoying the show. The girl, lured by a limo driver, probably thought she was entering a world of glam, not a revolving door of predators. Ah, the glamorous life of stardom.
SpaceX launches 23 more Starlink satellites
Acidly: SpaceX kicked off Sunday with yet another dazzling rocket show, sending 23 more Starlink satellites into the void. At 12:11 AM, the Falcon 9 blasted off, lighting up Florida’s night sky—because apparently, insomnia needs a side of spectacle. After defying gravity for 8.5 minutes, the booster splashed down on a ship whimsically named "A Shortfall of Gravitas." Musk boasted about his 123rd Falcon 9 launch, proving that space junk has never been so trendy. Who knew 10Mbps satellite internet could make you feel so... mundane?
The Good Ol'Ads
$256 million Powerball jackpot won in New York; ninth Powerball jackpot won this year
Acidly: Oh look, another lucky soul struck gold in the Powerball lottery! A single ticket from New York snagged a pathetic $256 million jackpot—just enough to buy a small island or an overhyped mansion. The winner gets to choose between $123.5 million in cash (before taxes, of course) or a lifetime supply of delayed gratification. Meanwhile, 568,978 other ticket holders are left wallowing in their misery with prizes that probably won’t even cover their caffeine addiction. Cheers to luck!
Fortnite OG Has Up to 90% Bots Per Game, It’s Claimed
Acidly: In a bid to cradle the feeble egos of low-skilled Fortnite players, Epic Games has reportedly turned into a nursery with lobbies stuffed to the brim with bots—up to 90 per match. Because what's more exhilarating than faux victories over digital dummies? As skilled players return to nostalgia with Fortnite OG, the inexperienced need their safe space filled with code-generated friends to feel good about their pathetic skills. Next up: participation trophies for all! Who knew gaming would turn into a supportive therapy session?
Can raw milk make you sick? Officials crack down amid bird flu fears.
Acidly: The milk aisle's a minefield, folks! Pasteurized milk? Totally safe—unless you’re a raw milk enthusiast living in fantasy land. Yup, the H5N1 bird flu has surfaced, but don’t worry, a little heat zaps that virus to oblivion. As California’s Raw Farm recalls contaminated products, its CEO claims officials are overreacting. Meanwhile, researchers are shaking their heads, citing raw milk's “health benefits” as pure snake oil. Drink up, but maybe skip the bird flu latte. Cheers!