Oldest human DNA reveals lost branch of the human family tree

Victims ‘shocked’ after Biden grants clemency to ‘kids-for-cash’ judge and $54 million embezzler

Acidly: In a move that could be labeled “Biden’s Big Blunder,” the president granted clemency to two convicted officials who made a mockery of justice. Michael Conahan, the "kids-for-cash" judge, and Rita Crundwell, the queen of municipal fraud, now have a shiny new second chance—because who doesn't love a redemption arc for crooks? Victims are understandably miffed, with some, like Sandy Fonzo, recalling the tragic fallout of these monsters' actions. But hey, everyone deserves a happy ending, right?

Humbled in Syria, Putin Seeks Vindication in Ukraine

Acidly: Oh, poor Putin. With his Syrian puppet crumbling and his military prowess revealed as more of a joke than a show of strength, he’s scrambling to avoid embarrassment. The great geopolitical strategist finds his backer status humiliated while desperately trying to score points in Ukraine. Analysts suggest that if he fails there too, his image as a tough guy could be toast. Meanwhile, Russian ultranationalists suggest he ramp up the cruelty—because why learn from failure when you can just be more brutal?

Critics Complain That Italy’s Government Is Interfering in the Arts

Acidly: In Rome, a Futurism exhibition opened like a poorly scripted farce. Culture ministers booted experts, replacing them with a mishmash of architects and Medievalists. “Arrivederci” to critical voices, as the show morphed into a glossy celebration of early 20th century tech and Mussolini’s art, minus Mussolini's ghosts. Critics howled: "It's propaganda!" A museum now graces its steps with glossy nationalism, while experts are left suing for breach of contract. Ah, Italy—where the past still dictates the present in the most bizarre ways.

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Shanahan: Campbell's days with 49ers numbered

Acidly: In a stunning show of camaraderie, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan declared linebacker De'Vondre Campbell’s career with the team officially over—thanks to his brilliant decision to skip Thursday’s game against the Rams. The team was not too pleased, clearly, with cornerback Charvarius Ward declaring Campbell will likely be cut soon. Shanahan was blunt: if you don’t want to play, you can take a permanent seat on the bench—at home. Way to motivate your teammates, Campbell! Bravo!

Inside Michael C. Hall’s ‘Dexter’ Return

Acidly: So, here we are again with Dexter, who was supposed to be dead. Apparently, a snowstorm and a miracle made him a medical oddity – because who doesn't want a resurrection plot twist? Showrunner Clyde Phillips boldly decided killing Dexter was too boring, so he's back with a vengeance (or a medical bill). With a prequel and a sequel in tow, the franchise is milking nostalgia like a cash cow. Seriously, if you loved Dexter before, stand by for a barrage of Easter eggs. Isn't that delightful?

Oldest human DNA reveals lost branch of the human family tree

Acidly: Ancient DNA from 45,000 years ago reveals your distant relatives possibly making love with Neanderthals. Six unfortunate souls found beneath a medieval German castle were just the tip of the evolutionary iceberg. Turns out, interbreeding was a regular Saturday night special for early humans, giving us a 1-3% slice of Neanderthal in our DNA. So yes, you can blame those awful traits on your ice age buddies. Remember: humanity's tale isn’t just one of triumph but also evolutionary flop-sweats. Cheers to that!

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UnitedHealth Group CEO admits ‘system is flawed’ after Brian Thompson’s murder

Acidly: UnitedHealthcare's CEO Andrew Witty penned an op-ed mourning the murder of his colleague, Brian Thompson, while conceding the health system is a disaster. He tried to humanize Thompson with nostalgic tales of his farm upbringing, as if that somehow justifies the mess we're in. Witty wants us to know they’re "trying" to fix the system—too bad it took a violent wake-up call to spur this epiphany. Meanwhile, employees are threatened over bad decisions—because, you know, accountability is a thing of the past.

Astro Bot Wins Top Honor at the Game Awards

Acidly: Astro Bot, the glorified demo character turned superstar, snagged the Game Awards' top prize. Who knew a glorified tech test could nab accolades like “best family game” and “best action/adventure”? The little pixelated dude bested solid titles like Elden Ring and Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. Meanwhile, indie darling Balatro twisted poker rules and bagged indie awards, while Metaphor: ReFantazio mused over royal drama. Can we just celebrate that gamers cared about something other than yet another open-world slog?

RFK Jr.’s lawyer petitions the FDA to revoke its approval of the polio vaccine

Acidly: In a twist of irony that even a soap opera writer would reject, Aaron Siri, lawyer for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (because who needs medical expertise when you've got conspiracy theories?), wants to kick the polio vaccine to the curb. Apparently, vaccines are just too mainstream for him and Kennedy. They’re rallying against 13 vaccines like it's an anti-vax bingo game. Forget about science; let’s send humanity back to the 1950s while chanting “medical freedom!” Because who doesn’t love a good epidemic?