Abundant Life Christian School shooting in Madison: Teen student, teacher killed; 2 students in critical condition
Acidly: In a scene straight out of a tragic Hollywood script, Abundant Life Christian School turned into a horror show when a teenage girl decided to play with a gun, killing a teacher and a fellow student. Police were caught flat-footed, initially announcing but then retracting a higher death toll, because who needs accurate information during a crisis? The motive? A riddle wrapped in a mystery, likely lost in the gunfire. Sadly, this won't be the last time we're treated to these heart-string tugs from politicians pulling at our hopelessness.
Middle East latest: Assad says he wanted to stay in Syria but Russia evacuated him
Acidly: Oh, the irony! Ousted Syrian President Bashar Assad insists he had no exit strategy when rebels overthrew him. But guess who had to be airlifted by Russia like a bad reality show contestant? He claims he wanted to keep fightingâhow quaint! Meanwhile, the Israeli military is too busy flexing its muscles, bombarding Syria while ransacking its military sites like they own the place. The chaos in the Middle East just keeps escalating, but hey, at least Assad isn't going quietlyâbecause that's definitely not his style.
Rescuers in Italy working to free cave explorer trapped underground
Acidly: In a true testament to Darwinâs theory, Ottavia Piana, the "expert" cave explorer, took a spectacular dive in Bueno Fonteno, landing herself at a cozy 7-8°C while injuring almost every part of her body. She thought mapping uncharted caves was a genius idea; instead, she became the poster child for "flirting with danger." Rescuers, armed with small explosives and a lot of hope, are working hard to rescue her from her brilliant decision. Who knew cave exploration could turn into a rescue operation?
The Good Ol'Ads
How to watch Vikings vs. Bears Monday Night Football live for free
Acidly: Ah, the Minnesota Vikings: the hottest team in the league, riding a six-game winning streak against the sad-sack Chicago Bears, who are practically giving lessons on how to lose. Tonight, Minnesota hopes to become NFC North co-champs with a win over the 4-9 Bears, who somehow managed to stay in the same league despite a seven-game slide. Head coach Kevin O'Connell is sweating bullets, because apparently, beating a dumpster fire twice is too much for this bunch. Get the popcorn; itâs going to be a vanilla snooze-fest!
Jamie Foxx âtoo blessed to be stressedâ following physical altercation at Beverly Hills restaurant
Acidly: Jamie Foxx, the guy who's apparently too blessed to be stressed, proved that even birthday dinners can turn into slapstick horror shows. An innocent toast flew through the airâwell, more like a glassâinstigating a mouthful of stitches. The police? Sure, they responded to this âpossible assaultâ like it was a Hollywood club brawl. But Jamie? He took it all in stride, claiming that the devil's just trying to dim his light. A charming sentiment, considering heâd just wrapped his eventful Netflix special. Keep shining, superstar!
When Did Neandertals and Humans Interbreed? Genomics Closes In on a Date
Acidly: Ah, modern humans, always priding themselves on their achievements while clutching a 2-3% Neandertal genome like a participation trophy.Turns out, the thrill of this intermingling happened in a three-to-five-thousand-year glory periodâroughly 47,000 years agoâless time than it takes for your average millennial to pay off student loans. Fascinatingly, many lineages of these early humans are now extinct and left no descendants, proving once again that the world isn't just about winning; it's about gracefully exiting the stage. How poetic!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock market today: Nasdaq hits a record as Wall Street drifts ahead of Federal Reserve's meeting
Acidly: Wall Street decided to play a lukewarm game of footsie this Monday, balancing on the financial wire before the Federal Reserve's grand interest-rate finale. The S&P 500 tickled a tiny rise, while the Dow floored it with a dropping act, proving once again it's the awkward cousin of this stock family. Broadcom, riding the AI hype train, soared like a caffeinated eagle. Meanwhile, MicroStrategy, clinging to Bitcoin's rollercoaster, briefly soared but ended just shy of its peak. Ah, another day, another mixed bag of mediocre market theatrics.
Appleâs Rumored Foldable iPad Seems Too Big for Its Own Good
Acidly: Apple's foldables are comingâeventually. In 2028, we might see a market-behemoth iPad thatâs two iPad Pros fused together. Greatâbecause who doesn't want to lug around a tech behemoth thatâll be useless if iPadOS canât multitask? Sure, they claim it has an âinvisible crease.â Weâve heard that before, right? Meanwhile, Apple canât even fix the Magic Mouse, still stuck on USB-C like all the other uninspired gear on the market. Apple: innovating in slow motion since 2007.
A higher daily step count linked to fewer symptoms of depression, new study finds. Here's how many steps to aim for â and ways to sneak more movement into your day.
Acidly: In the latest absurdity of modern health, researchers claim that taking more steps can banish your depression. Wow, groundbreaking! The University of CastillaâLa Mancha found a magical link: more steps equal fewer sad vibes. Apparently, you donât even need to hit that overhyped 10,000 markâ5,000 will do. Still, who knows if it's the steps or the less sullen people taking them? But hey, at least you can strut through errands while pretending itâs some lovely therapy session. Move or mopeâyour choice!