California Declares an Emergency Over Bird Flu in Cattle
Acidly: California's Gov. Gavin Newsom just declared bird flu in dairy cattle an emergency. Why? Because random infections among humans and animals are turning into a delightful game of 'who's next.' Sure, the average American can still guzzle pasteurized milk without fear, but health experts warn that all these infections form a runway for the virus to evolve into a human killer. With the state’s 645 infected dairies, it’s like a dairy farm horror show. So let’s hope our cheese stays safe—at least for now.
What’s known about the brazen bombing that killed a top Russian general in Moscow
Acidly: In a striking twist worthy of a soap opera, Lt. Gen. Igor Kirillov was taken out by a bomb cleverly disguised on an electric scooter outside his Moscow apartment. The “war hero” known for waving about chemical weapons accusations now becomes a crispy statistic in his own game. Ukraine's Security Service gleefully claimed credit, branding him a “war criminal” as if they were handing out cupcakes. Meanwhile, a suspect from Uzbekistan is set to face a lifetime of regret. Talk about an explosive departure!
Argentina's President Receives Italian Citizenship, Angering Law's Critics
Acidly: President Javier Milei waltzed into an Italian party festival with all the charm of a bull in a china shop, only to come out with Italian citizenship and a smattering of Mariah Carey. While celebrating his Italian roots, critics in Italy seethed, calling this a kick to the kids born there who can't snag a passport. But sure, let’s hand citizenship to an Argentine president because of distant grandparents while ignoring the locals. Isn’t nepotism just the perfect way to bond over “woke” rage? Ah, sweet irony!
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Cousins backs Penix, 'didn't forget how to play QB'
Acidly: Kirk Cousins, master of turnovers and benchwarming, has suddenly turned into Mr. Supportive after getting the boot in Atlanta. After a thrilling 15-9 snoozefest against the Raiders, rookie Michael Penix, who was shopping for hot dogs, gets the nod to start. Cousins, who tosses more picks than a fruit vendor, claims he's just supporting the kid—because nothing says "team player" like not playing. With a playoff chance the size of a hot dog, good luck, Falcons. Things could be worse; Cousins could be starting.
Tory Lanez Fires Back At Megan Thee Stallion After She Files For Restraining Order
Acidly: Tory Lanez is back in the ring, swinging at Megan Thee Stallion’s attempt for a restraining order. His defense? Megan's claims are as credible as a politician’s promise. While she alleges he’s paid bloggers to trash her—classic playground moves—Tory’s team insists the legal docs filed weren’t sabotage to undermine her Amazon Prime documentary. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Tory. But hey, if you can afford to pay off your dad’s blogging friends, who cares about the truth, right?
Squirrels spotted hunting and eating animals for first time
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, squirrels—a staple of your backyard—are now devouring voles like they're gourmet treats. Those cute, nut-hoarding fuzzballs in California have traded acorns for a taste of carnage. Who knew those bushy-tailed critters had it in them? Biologists observed 42% of squirrel interactions with voles turned into organized hunting sprees last summer. Apparently, the squirrels decided that woods weren’t lethal enough and opted for a side of guts. Next up? Squirrel master chef!
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Dow futures are little changed after index drops 1,100 points in 10th straight loss: Live updates
Acidly: Stock futures are teetering on the edge, and investors are clutching their pearls over the Fed’s latest plot twist—only two interest rate cuts next year instead of four. The Dow took a nosedive, dropping over 1,100 points; it seems panic is now a valid trading strategy. Jerome Powell is doing his best to sound authoritative while Wall Street weeps. The tech sector, which was propped up like a scarecrow, scattered when trouble struck. Welcome to the financial rollercoaster—hold on, or don't; either way, it won't end well.
ChatGPT comes to WhatsApp — here's how to message the AI chatbot for free
Acidly: OpenAI has decided to crash the WhatsApp party, dragging along ChatGPT for a fun little chat. Yes, you can now converse with an AI like it’s your new best friend—because who needs human interaction, right? Add 1-800-CHATGPT and enjoy the thrill of asking it mundane questions without burning through your data. Just remember, it’s "experimental," which in tech-speak means “prepare for glitches.” So, go ahead, take a break from reality and chat about recipes or hobbies with a glorified chatbot. Exciting times!
Governor Newsom takes proactive action to strengthen robust state response to Bird Flu
Acidly: Gavin Newsom declared a State of Emergency in California over the Bird Flu outbreak, now gallivanting among dairy cows like an unwelcome guest at a barn dance. After all, who wouldn’t want to deal with infected cattle when they're trying to sip their almond lattes? The state swears it’s on top of it, flaunting the “largest testing system” in the nation while dodging public panic. Meanwhile, everyone’s doubling down on social media campaigns and PPE—which, let's be honest, is great if you want to look like a distressed chicken.