G.O.P. Spending Hawks Defy Trump on the Debt Limit, Previewing More Clashes
Acidly: In a shocking twist worthy of a soap opera, President-elect Trump couldn't even get his own party to play nice over raising the debt limit. When he casually ordered House Republicans to comply, they collectively decided to roll their eyes and defy him. Meanwhile, he sought to dodge blame like a kid trying to escape a chore. Instead of smooth sailing, 38 Republicans dug their heels in, spoiling his party game plan. The drama? A bipartisan solution, with Trump’s crew left sulking in the corner. What a team!
At least two dead as car slams into crowded Christmas market in Germany
Acidly: Two dead and 68 injured after a car plows into a Christmas market in Magdeburg—what a festive way to kick off the season. The driver, a previously unknown 50-year-old Saudi doctor, is supposedly a "lone perpetrator." Of course, it’s not like we had a similar incident in Berlin eight years ago. Chancellor Scholz is sending his “thoughts” as if they’ll miraculously revive the victims. Meanwhile, Elon Musk suggests he should resign; perhaps he’s just mad he wasn’t invited to the party.
Italy's deputy PM Salvini faces verdict in migrant rescue boat kidnap trial
Acidly: Matteo Salvini, Italy's Deputy PM and poster child for compassion-free politics, has been acquitted of charges for effectively kidnapping migrants by blocking their passage to safety. Winning this battle in court, he flexed his fists in triumph—because nothing says justice like hugging one's girlfriend while people suffer at sea. His mantra? Protecting Italy from those pesky refugees. So, let’s salute his grand victory against humanity! Bravo, Matteo! Maybe next time, we’ll hand out trophies for humanity's archenemies too.
The Good Ol'Ads
Where to watch Notre Dame vs. Indiana, TV channel, prediction, pick, spread, College Football Playoff odds
Acidly: Ah, Indiana and Notre Dame: two underachievers finally meeting after over three decades, like a long-awaited bad family reunion. The Hoosiers, with their stellar 11-1 record, have a glittering history of getting stomped by ranked teams—nice of them to remember the 45-game losing streak against top-five opponents. Meanwhile, Notre Dame struts in with its third shot at the playoffs, partly due to sheer luck and avoiding complete meltdown. Grab your popcorn; it’s going to be a hilariously painful spectacle!
‘The Mummy’ Being Written and Directed by ‘Evil Dead Rise’ Filmmaker Lee Cronin (Exclusive)
Acidly: Hold onto your bandages! Lee Cronin is resurrecting the mummy trope yet again, because apparently Hollywood can't let ancient corpses rest in peace. This new horror flick, set to crawl out of the sarcophagus on April 17, 2026, promises to be "unlike any Mummy movie" you’ve ever seen. How original. With horror titans Atomic Monster and Blumhouse backing him, maybe he'll finally dig up something fresh. Or just more dust. Because nothing spells creativity like reanimating the same old monster for a modern audience. Bravo, Lee!
Dark energy 'doesn't exist' so can't be pushing 'lumpy' universe apart, physicists say
Acidly: Forget everything you thought you knew about dark energy. A team from New Zealand has thrown the cosmic rulebook out the window, insisting that the universe’s expansion isn’t so much an orderly march, but more of a disheveled dance. Their “lumpier” model says gravity slows down time, making it appear as if space is sprinting ahead. Sorry, physicists—your beloved dark energy might just be nonsense used to fill gaps in our ignorance. Who knew the universe was so complicated? Better luck next century, folks!
The Good Ol'Ads
Starbucks Workers Begin a Strike in 3 Cities on Friday
Acidly: Oh joy, another episode of "Starbucks Baristas Strike!" This time, baristas from LA, Chicago, and Seattle decided enough was enough after a riveting bargaining session—spoiler alert: no decent wage gains. The "progress" Andrew Trull claims? Mere caffeine-induced hallucinations! Workers United is threatening to spread the strike like a cold brew spill unless they get a raise that doesn't insult their existence. Because who wouldn’t dream of a generous 1.5% raise while surviving on overpriced lattes? Cheers!
Samsung employees make major blunder and get fired after leaking image of upcoming phone
Acidly: Samsung's upcoming Galaxy S25 series had a dramatic pre-launch drama. A leak from Evan Blass revealed new models and an Unpacked event date, making tech fans giddy. However, a tweet from @Jukanlosreve unveiled the Galaxy S25+—but forgot to cover a pesky identification number, leading to the mass firing of Samsung employees. Turns out, turning your job into a side hustle of leaking company secrets can go horribly wrong. Who knew? Maybe next time they'll think before they tweet—if they can find new jobs, that is.
Rapid spread of H5N1 bird flu through California dairy herds suggests unknown paths of transmission
Acidly: In a shocking twist, California's dairy herds have become the hottest party for the H5N1 bird flu, with the USDA still confidently proclaiming it knows how the virus spreads—like a bad stand-up comedian who keeps bombing. Governor Newsom's emergency declaration is like trying to put out a bonfire with a squirt gun. Experts are face-palming over the USDA's fomite theory, while cows are presumably sending out invites to their infected friends. Let’s just hope they don’t bring the humans to the next moo fest!