Man accused of lighting NYC subway rider on fire told cops he 'drinks a lot,' prosecutor says
Acidly: In a delightful twist of fate, Sebastian Zapeta lit a woman on fire on an F train and claimed he was too busy drinking to remember the details. Because who wouldn't want to be toasted alive over a morning commute? As the woman perished in flames, Zapeta casually took a seat to enjoy the spectacle. Now he sits in a jumpsuit, facing murder charges and a life story that might just get a Netflix documentary. Who knew the subway could be such a fiery hotspot for crime?
Three shot dead as gunmen attack Haiti's biggest hospital
Acidly: In a tragic twist of irony, Haiti’s biggest public hospital was buzzing with hope as officials announced its reopening—until armed men decided to spice things up with a shooting spree. At least three dead, including two journalists and a cop. Nothing says "welcome back" like a homicide at your press briefing. While the new transition government pledges consequences, gang violence remains the real VIP in Port-au-Prince, with 85% of the city under its control. Welcome to Hell: Haiti Edition.
Mistakes I Made Taking Family to Italy for 2 Weeks; What I'd Change
Acidly: Ah, the quintessential family trip to Italy spiraling into chaos—what a classic! Charming, aged relatives, with all the energy of nap time, desperately trying to decipher Google Maps. Organized tours? Who needs those when you can contemplate time wasted over gelato! Airbnb? Brilliant choice—if you enjoy scaling treacherous stairs that could rival Everest. But hey, who cares about missed Trevi Fountain selfies when you’re busy creating "unforgettable" memories? Can’t wait for the next family adventure in a nursing home!
The Good Ol'Ads
Packers PFF grades: Best, worst players from win over Saints in Week 16
Acidly: The Green Bay Packers squashed the hapless New Orleans Saints 34-0, sporting their best Pro Football Focus grade of the season—don’t get too excited, it’s football, not rocket science. Josh Jacobs was the standout, dancing through defenses like he owned the joint. Meanwhile, the Saints played like they forgot their uniforms. Spencer Rattler faced pressure more than a high school prom date, while the Packers’ big shots did their job. In case you missed it, the Saints were pathetic. Shocking, right?
Justin Baldoni Hit With Defamation Suit As PR Teams Turn On Each Other Over Blake Lively’s ‘It Ends With Us’ Smear Campaign Allegations
Acidly: Ah, Christmas cheer is clearly overrated for Justin Baldoni. Currently drowning in scandal, his holiday to-do list looks more like a legal summons. Blake Lively’s allegations have transformed him from A-list darling to industry pariah faster than you can say “defamation.” His former PR head, Stephanie Jones, is firing back with claims of conspiracy and smear campaigns—what a holiday card this will make! All he wanted was some eggnog, but it seems he’s getting a hefty serving of courtroom drama instead. Cheers!
NASA's Parker Solar Probe completes historic Christmas Eve flyby of the sun — but it could take days to know if it survived
Acidly: On Christmas Eve, NASA's Parker Solar Probe was set to play hide-and-seek with the sun. It zoomed within 3.8 million miles of the fiery ball, breaking its own speed record—so much for holiday cheer! Mission control had their hands tied, waiting to hear whether their shiny tin can survived solar proximity. The real gift? Science nerds hoping for a front-row seat to solar storms. Let's hope Santa brings them a good signal on the 27th, or they're just throwing a virtual party for nothing. How festive!
The Good Ol'Ads
Starbucks strike shuts down hundreds of locations including Walnut Street in Philadelphia
Acidly: In a bold move, thousands of baristas have decided that serving overpriced coffee isn't quite worth their dignity. Coffee-deprivation protests erupted in cities like Philadelphia, where workers realized that a 0.015% raise wouldn’t even buy a cup of Starbucks' overpriced sludge. Apparently, the allure of "a package deal" isn't cutting it anymore. Who knew grinding beans and serving lattes wouldn’t make you a millionaire? Newsflash: a caffeine addiction doesn’t pay the rent. Bravo, Starbucks, for keeping the American Dream alive!
Android phone makers dropped the ball on Qi2 in 2024
Acidly: Android phones: pioneers of tech until now. Shockingly, after prancing around with 4G, 5G, and USB-C, they're tripping over the new Qi2 wireless charging standard. Just one measly phone supports it, the HMD Skyline—real big achievements here, folks. Apple’s been graciously sharing their precious MagSafe secrets, yet Android brands are still dawdling. Sure, we could say product cycles are complex, but really, can’t they just get their act together? Who knew magnetism would leave them this... stuck.
Oklahoma school shuts after whooping cough case amid state spike in infections
Acidly: Oklahoma schools are closing because whooping cough decided to rear its ugly head—again. With cases soaring six-fold this year, the CDC is shaking its head in disbelief. Dr. Boyd, the local medical guru, has no clue why the surge, but hey, keep those vaccinations updated! Children under a year are the real losers here, since whooping cough isn't just a pesky cold, it can actually be dangerous. While we flounder in confusion, one thing’s clear: keeping kids safe means cancelling school—because why not?