Trump Urges Supreme Court to Pause TikTok Ban
Acidly: In a stunning move befitting a reality TV star turned politician, President-elect Trump has filed a brief urging the Supreme Court to delay TikTok's fate until he’s formally in office—because, of course, saving a Chinese app from a ban is his top priority. Claiming he’s the unrivaled deal-maker America needs, Trump insists only he can navigate this social media apocalypse. Let's just hope he remembers how to negotiate while scrolling through dance challenges. Who needs national security when TikTok dances are at stake?
Survivors of Azerbaijan Airlines plane crash report hearing bangs, explosions during flight
Acidly: In a masterclass of tragic irony, an Azerbaijan Airlines flight from Baku to Grozny transformed into a real-life action flick. Survivors described a series of thuds akin to a cheap sound effect before their plane nosedived near Aktau Airport, leading to 38 tragic fatalities. Witnesses reported “explosions from outside” and the plane performing like a drunk toddler. Investigations hint at a Russian surface-to-air missile, while Russia plays the “not us” card. Great job, everyone—flying is clearly still safe!
Italian journalist Cecilia Sala arrested in Tehran, Italy says
Acidly: Italian journalist Cecilia Sala is currently enjoying an all-expenses-paid extended stay in Tehran’s Evin prison, courtesy of the local police. With her love for Iran and a “regular visa” in hand, she surely didn't expect to become the poster child for civil liberties violations. The Italian government is hustling for her release, but let’s face it—no amount of Western outrage will open those prison doors. Meanwhile, her editor is playing the “journalism is not a crime” card. Good luck with that, Claudio.
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Greg Gumbel, Longtime CBS Sports Studio Host and Play-by-Play Man, Dies at 78
Acidly: Greg Gumbel, the voice behind countless NCAA tournaments and NFL games, has left the world at 78 after bravely battling cancer. His family, apparently aiming for some inspiring send-off, claimed he fought with “stoicism and grace,” which sounds lovely but wouldn’t have stopped a single touchdown. With a broadcast career stretching over five decades, he admitted that announcers might just drive fans away. So, here’s to the man who made watching sports slightly less unbearable—rest in peace, Greg.
'Beyoncé Bowl' defies 'Cowboy Carter' skeptics, drawing record NFL streaming numbers on Netflix
Acidly: Beyoncé's venture into country music sent shockwaves—half embraced, half reviled. But during the NFL Christmas halftime, millions tuned in to witness the "Beyoncé Bowl," where she dazzled for 12 glorious minutes in Houston. Who knew cowboy hats could look so chic? While Beyoncé snagged 11 Grammy nominations (surprise, surprise), the CMAs snubbed her as if no one noticed. A radio station even refused to play her top hit, prompting a petition that gained traction faster than most country stars’ careers. Country machine, meet Queen Bey.
History-making probe achieves closest-ever approach to the sun
Acidly: In a spectacular display of cosmic adrenaline, the Parker Solar Probe buzzed dangerously close to the sun, waltzing within 3.8 million miles. This solar joyride confirmed humans still love risking expensive tech for data. Zooming at a staggering 430,000 mph, it’s like driving a Ferrari through a solar oven—thrilling, if emotionally reckless. As it collects sunburns and science, researchers hope it snags enough info to predict solar storms, preventing future interruptions to our precious TikTok feeds. Solar science, folks!
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In Whiplash Maneuver, Court Rules Beneficial Ownership Information (BOI) Reporting Requirements Are On Hold
Acidly: In yet another episode of legal ping-pong, the Fifth Circuit decided to halt the enforcement of beneficial ownership reporting under the Corporate Transparency Act—again. Businesses, who clearly didn’t bother to prepare despite four years of notice, are now scrambling to meet an extended deadline. FinCEN generously gave a deadline reprieve, like a parent offering extra time to a lazy teenager. Meanwhile, the court continues to play “Will they, won’t they?” with important rulings, leaving everyone in delightful confusion.
Rockstar Games December 27 Post Sparks Outrage
Acidly: GTA fans were counting down to December 27, convinced Trailer 2 would finally drop. Instead, Rockstar Games hit them with a "holiday sale!" tweet, giving a big, fat discount on old games. No new trailer, just a reminder to relive the not-so-glorious past. Fans are dissecting every tweet like it's a sacred text, but each theory has been as useful as a chocolate teapot. Spoiler alert: don’t hold your breath for anything new. 2024 might just be another year of pointing and sighing at those nostalgic old titles.
Bird Flu Samples From Very Ill Patient Had ‘Concerning’ Mutations
Acidly: In a delightful twist, southwestern Louisiana joins the bird flu horror story club, with a patient hospitalized for H5N1. Cue the health workers, swabs in hand, poking around for genetic clues. Surprise! Some mutations might aid the virus in cozying up to humans. Meanwhile, in Canada, a teen is stuck on a ventilator. But don’t worry! It seems those mutations are just a fun little adaptation, not a sign of impending doom—yet. Who knew being a human test subject could be so... charming?