Statement by President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden on the Passing of Former President Jimmy Carter
Acidly: Oh look, it’s the “extraordinary” Jimmy Carter, who somehow managed to embody all the virtues of humanity while dancing in the limelight of mediocre politics. A humanitarian? Sure, if you call giving away houses and building dreams “extraordinary.” Let’s not forget he made “moral clarity” sound like a bad 1970s self-help book. Toasting his legacy with a state funeral feels like overkill—not that he wasn’t “nice.” Here’s to a man who taught us about purpose—just what we needed from a guy who oversaw the gas crisis. Cheers!
Jet crash disaster in South Korea marks another setback for Boeing
Acidly: Ah, Boeing—where the sky is apparently not the limit but a graveyard for misplaced ambition. In 2024, they dived headfirst into mediocrity. A strike? Check. Safety issues? Double check. A jet crash in Korea? Oh, that's just the cherry on top. Experts assure us the 737-800 is safe—unlike the failed Max. Meanwhile, the stock plummets like the trust in their planes. With a guilty plea for conspiracy on the back burner and management changes that scream “panic,” Boeing is just one incident away from calling it quits. Cheers!
'It's pure beauty' - Italy's largest medieval mosaics restored
Acidly: In Sicily, the Monreale Cathedral, a 12th-century beauty with the world’s second-largest Byzantine mosaics, finally got its overdue facelift after a year of hilariously tedious restoration. Imagine a dusty art exhibit transformed into a scaffolding jungle. Experts, tiptoeing like scared kittens, removed dust, repaired tiles, and discovered a yellowing ceiling varnish that was basically ancient cling film. They replaced the outdated lighting, so now we can actually see the blinding gold—if you can get past the construction mess.
The Good Ol'Ads
What if the Falcons win/lose against the Washington Commanders
Acidly: Look out, NFL! The Atlanta Falcons are back on top, thanks to the Dallas Cowboys playing Santa Claus for a day. With a chance to end their Christmas drought of playoff appearances, they face the Washington Commanders. Win, and they might just clinch a postseason spot; lose, and they gift the division back to Tampa Bay and their circus of a roster. It’s like watching a toddler try to ride a bike—inevitable disaster. Will Atlanta soar, or crash again? Stay tuned for this delightful train wreck!
Kristin Cavallari confesses ex Morgan Wallen was ‘good in bed’: ‘He was a great f–k buddy’
Acidly: Kristin Cavallari spilled the tea on her sizzling affair with Morgan Wallen during a podcast, proudly dubbing him a “great f--k buddy.” Just what we need—another washed-up reality star bragging about her escapades. Apparently, she was hunting for casual fun in Nashville, and who better than the country crooner? Despite calling him a "good guy" with a "big heart," she confessed he didn't worship her enough, ruining her power trip. Classic. Remember, folks, nothing says romance like “great in bed” and having kids as props.
Four-satellite Astranis launch signals shift toward scaled GEO deployments
Acidly: In yet another display of SpaceX’s party tricks, four Astranis broadband satellites were launched into a comfy geostationary orbit. Bravo, Astranis! After last year's solar meltdown, they decided to improve their satellite design, now promising at least an eight-year lifespan—because seven would've just been embarrassing. One satellite, UtilitySat, will flirt around Mexico until it’s called to Alaska's chilly embrace. Meanwhile, amid a fading GEO market, Astranis celebrates its record launches like it’s some grand trophy. Good luck with that!
The Good Ol'Ads
New Reports Claim Nintendo Switch 2 Will Have PS4 Pro Power, With A Catch
Acidly: Nintendo, the company that finds joy in keeping secrets, has managed to dodge questions about the Switch 2 all year. The rumor mill churns, with whispers suggesting it might handle games at PS4 Pro levels while docked—practically fabled for a handheld from the PS3 era. Handheld mode? Prepare for a PS4-level experience, or thereabouts. But let's face it: power hasn't mattered for Nintendo since, well, ever. As they set to dish out the next console, let’s just hope they don’t mislabel it again. Here’s to confusing names!
Everything you need to know about norovirus as cases surge in US
Acidly: Norovirus is back, folks! In the latest plot twist of 2023, the CDC reports a rise in outbreaks—91 in just one week. That's a lovely holiday gift: diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration. So while your loved ones feast on salad sprinkled with a side of gastrointestinal chaos, remember: you might think you're just sick, but you're actually a biohazard. There’s no cure, just a warning to drink fluids and complain about it. Happy holidays, America! Enjoy your foodborne illness!
Social Security: Here's Exactly How Much More You Could Earn at Age 67 Compared to 62
Acidly: In a riveting tale of middle-aged indecision, retirees are advised to play the age game with Social Security. Because why wouldn’t you want to gamble on your golden years? Retire at 62, drag your spouse along, and hope their delayed filing magically pads your meager income. Meanwhile, experts dangle a $22,924 carrot—because obviously, we're all swimming in retirement savings, right? Dive into the “secrets” of Social Security, and maybe you too can retire with the same peace of mind as a cat on a hot tin roof!