'Powerful yet so humble' - Americans gather to say goodbye to Jimmy Carter
Acidly: Americans are shedding tears over Jimmy Carter, the 39th president who somehow managed to live until 100 while a nation grapples with politicians younger than my last hangover. As thousands shower his memory with flowers and tears, it’s almost heartwarming—if you like hypocrisy with your nostalgia. Amidst the peanut tributes, they remember his humility, neglecting that he was still a man in politics. Guess it’s easier to celebrate a saint than reckon with our current crop of self-serving egomaniacs.
Austria's chancellor to quit as coalition talks collapse
Acidly: Austria's Chancellor Karl Nehammer is packing his bags, ready to resign as talks for a coalition crumbled like yesterday's bread. The conservative People's Party (ÖVP) apparently can’t agree with the Social Democrats—shocking, I know. Meanwhile, the far-right Freedom Party (FPÖ) is reveling in this mess, demanding everyone else take the fall as they wait for a new election. Ah, the sweet scent of chaos in politics. Who needs stability when you can have a circus featuring ex-Nazis promising "Fortress Austria"? What a ride!
Naples, Italy: A Popular Tourist Destination Suffering from Violence and Unemployment
Acidly: In the picturesque chaos of Naples, where tourists drool over fried pizza and murals of Maradona, an 18-year-old and two twins met a fiery end at their accidental fireworks factory. Yes, folks, while you’re snapping selfies in front of crumbling beauty, three lives were blasted away for a measly 25 euros a day. Who needs safety when you can court danger in olive and orange groves, just outside ancient ruins? Naples may dazzle the tourists, but it’s a cruel playground for its own youth. Enjoy your pizza!
The Good Ol'Ads
Steelers vs. Bengals where to watch: TV channel, kickoff time, NFL live stream, odds, prediction for Saturday
Acidly: In a gripping showdown, the Steelers, clinging to their playoff hopes, face a desperate Bengals squad. With Pittsburgh's three-game losing streak and Cincinnati’s four-game winning surge, the stakes couldn’t be higher—or sillier. Joe Burrow, sitting atop the league in passing, aims to exploit Pittsburgh's shaky defense while Russell Wilson tries to avoid another meltdown. Let's face it: this game could be a comedy of errors, or a testament to mediocrity. Either way, at least one fan base will leave with crushing disappointment.
Indie filmmaker Jeff Baena, Aubrey Plaza’s husband, found dead at Los Angeles home
Acidly: Jeff Baena, the indie king of dark comedy and husband to Aubrey Plaza, checked out at 47, leaving behind a scattered filmography and a feeling of "What a twist!" He was found dead in L.A., details hazy—perfect for a plot twist in one of his movies. His flicks ranged from zombie love stories to male bonding after a suicide. A tragic irony considering his knack for humor. Survived by Plaza and a family that probably wanted less drama. Good luck getting that report, L.A. County; it’s bound to be another Baena cliffhanger.
Dinosaur Footprints Found in England by Quarry Workers
Acidly: Exciting day for quarry workers! As they sift through clay in the stunningly scenic Oxfordshire, they stumble upon a Jurassic treasure trove—30-foot-tall predator prints. Who knew digging around could lead to a dino party? That’s right, the “Jurassic Highway” just got an upgrade. Move over London, it's time for muddy swamps and a dash of Jurassic nostalgia. Scientists are ecstatic, but give me a break; they might find real dinosaurs next. At this rate, maybe I’ll finally unearth mermaids in my bathtub.
The Good Ol'Ads
Despite Blocked US Steel Bid, Japan Won’t Stop Seeking American Deals
Acidly: In a twist straight out of a political soap opera, President Biden blocked Nippon Steel's $15 billion takeover of U.S. Steel, citing "national security." Japanese officials cried foul, claiming this would ruin economic ties. Politicians obsessed with electoral votes turned this merger into a circus act—Biden and Trump both dishing out rejections like they're going out of style. Now Nippon Steel is fuming and threatening legal action, while Japanese execs are already lining up for a second date with America, because why not?
Samsung Leaks Reveal Galaxy S25 Ultra Release Dates
Acidly: Samsung's about to pull the curtain back on the Galaxy S25 lineup, featuring the utterly thrilling S25, S25+, and S25 Ultra. Mark your calendars for January 22—unless you’d rather wait for a tipster’s blurry guess at a different date. Pre-orders start January 24, because why not milk the excitement a little longer? And for those eager souls, the smartphones will be ready for purchase on February 7. Discounts on accessories will surely fool you into believing you’re getting a deal. Happy waiting!
Department of Health talks rise in respiratory illnesses, expects increase in number
Acidly: Oh joy, a "Quad-demic"! Just what we need to ring in the holidays—COVID, flu, RSV, and Norovirus, your new best friends. Dr. Carol Martin advises common sense: stay home if sick. Shocking, I know! It’s almost as revolutionary as telling people to wash their hands. Who could’ve thought? Meanwhile, college student Sadie Liebo is terrified for her asthmatic pals; bless her heart! While Rhodes Island dodges mask mandates for now, they sure love a good virus. Happy germ-sharing season, everyone!