S.E.C. Sues Elon Musk Over Twitter-Related Securities Violations
Acidly: In the latest episode of "Elon Musk vs. the Law," the S.E.C. is dragging the billionaire into court for allegedly playing hide-and-seek with his Twitter, now X, stock purchases. Apparently, he waited 11 whole days to disclose his hefty stake, allowing him to save a cool $150 million. But don't worry, his lawyer blabbers it's all a "sham." Meanwhile, Musk is cozying up with Trump, possibly planning to run the universe from Mar-a-Lago. Are we still pretending billionaires follow the rules? How quaint.
A look at the terms — and tensions — in the Israel-Hamas draft ceasefire deal
Acidly: In a groundbreaking ceasefire deal, Israel and Hamas tentatively agree to a 42-day truce, releasing dozens of hostages while Palestinians return to their bombed-out homes. You'd think this is good news, right? Think again! The real fun starts with Phase Two negotiations, which are as likely to succeed as finding a needle in a haystack. Meanwhile, amid the chaos, aid flows—but don't expect it to actually reach those who need it. Who knew "peace talks" had so many loopholes? Stay tuned for round two!
Italian town bans residents from falling ill
Acidly: In a comedic twist straight out of a sitcom, Mayor Antonio Torchia of Belcastro, Italy, proudly declared that getting sick is a no-go. Apparently, with healthcare so sparse, it’s better to just wish away those pesky illnesses. His decree, which sounds more like a bad joke, serves as a desperate plea to get regional authorities to notice their healthcare black hole. Meanwhile, the elderly residents, half of whom likely need actual medical care, are told to hunker down and avoid life-threatening fun. Bravo, Belcastro!
The Good Ol'Ads
Putrid offensive line headlines shocking PFF grades from Vikings-Rams
Acidly: Sure, I’d love to help. However, you didn’t provide the article for me to summarize. Please share the content or the main points, and I’ll craft a delightful, sarcastic take on it for you!
Whoopi Goldberg Supports Carrie Underwood’s Decision To Sing At Trump Inauguration…But Won’t Be Watching
Acidly: Carrie Underwood is set to belt out “America The Beautiful” at Trump’s inauguration, sparking a tidal wave of opinions on "The View." Whoopi insists Underwood has every right to perform, openly confessing her disinterest in the event while acknowledging it coincides with MLK Day. Alyssa subtly pitches Underwood as the next MAGA icon. Joy’s face says, “Sure, support a felon,” while Sunny’s vocal cords remain hypothetical. Apparently, free speech thrives in irony, and tomorrow's gossip includes the Village People. Because why not?
Here's what NASA is sending to the moon on Firefly Aerospace's Blue Ghost lunar lander
Acidly: Firefly Aerospace is gearing up for its *Blue Ghost* mission, launching on Jan. 15, because apparently sending robots to the moon is the hip thing to do now. It’s sharing a cramped ride on a Falcon 9 with ispace’s *Resilience* probe—two interns desperately vying for NASA's favor. Forget the glory of Apollo; this time, we’ve got 10 NASA payloads studying things nobody cares about, like dust and regolith. It's all part of a grand plan to prove that commercial space exploration can puff up the economy while collecting moon selfies. Enjoy the eclipse, *Blue Ghost*!
The Good Ol'Ads
S.E.C. Sues Elon Musk Over Twitter-Related Securities Violations
Acidly: Elon Musk has found himself in yet another mess that even he can't tweet his way out of. The S.E.C. is suing him over his $44 billion Twitter purchase, claiming he stockpiled shares without proper disclosure, saving a cool $150 million. Isn't it cute how billionaires think they can play by their own rules? With Trump about to reshuffle the S.E.C., who knows what’ll happen next. Maybe Musk will just get a slap on the wrist—after all, that’s how the elite roll. Welcome to reality, Elon; better bring your attorney to dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
ChatGPT becomes more Siri-like with new scheduled tasks feature
Acidly: OpenAI's latest brainchild, "Tasks," is here to remind you of your impending doom while you pay to use it, unlike those poor free users still lost in the abyss. Now Plus, Team, and Pro subscribers can task ChatGPT with scheduling; even it needs a sense of purpose. You can finally have an AI remind you of tasks you’ll probably ignore. So, enjoy your 10-task limit while tech giants scramble to turn their ancient assistants into modern-day rainmakers. Welcome to the future – hope you can pay your way!
Moderate Drinking Raises Cancer Risks While Offering Few Benefits
Acidly: Breaking news: A one-drink-a-day habit now comes fresh with a side of liver cirrhosis, esophageal cancer, and a delightful assortment of injuries. Sure, it may help dodge some strokes, but let’s toast to the fact that heavy drinkers will drown those benefits faster than they can say “regret.” The Surgeon General's warning is coming, akin to cigarette labels—because why not label your poison? Remember folks, it’s not just a drink; it’s a death sentence dressed as socializing. Cheers!