Rudy Giuliani avoids trial by settling with Georgia election workers he defamed
Acidly: Rudy Giuliani, the once-mighty "America's Mayor," has struck a deal with Georgia election workers to save his precious condo and shiny collectibles, all while dodging a hefty $150 million judgment. Apparently, defaming innocent women was a real estate strategy. They’re thrilled—judging by their statement—while Rudy just snickers, keeping his toys in exchange for keeping his mouth shut. Looks like “Don't Worry, Be Happy” is the anthem of his retirement. Meanwhile, Trump is on standby, ready to bail out his favorite legal disaster.
Israel vote on Gaza ceasefire deal delayed
Acidly: In the ongoing farce of international diplomacy, Netanyahu postpones a vote on the Gaza ceasefire, blaming Hamas for wanting last-minute tweaks—because who doesn’t love a good delay? Meanwhile, Blinken assures us it’s just a “loose end.” Charming, right? As Israeli airstrikes continue to rain down, killing dozens, Ben-Gvir threatens to bolt over this “reckless deal." Ah yes, what a civilized way to negotiate peace—by digging your heels in while the bombs drop. Enjoy the chaos, folks!
Italy will need proof your hotel was really that bad under proposed new law
Acidly: Ah, Italy's brilliant plan to save tourism from the scourge of fake reviews! Because clearly tourists won't complain about terrible service if they can't vent on Yelp anymore. In a groundbreaking move, the government wants review sites to play detective—valid ID and all. Influencers? Sorry, no cash for you. Just a vague promise of authenticity from your local trattoria. Meanwhile, small businesses are still whining that it’s not enough. Who knew saving Italy's economy was a two-year effort? Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Bills, Ravens trying to avoid regrettable Super Bowl record
Acidly: Ah, the Baltimore Ravens and Buffalo Bills, the most successful underachievers in the NFL. They've racked up wins like they're collecting stamps, yet here they are, battling for the title of “Most Regular-Season Victories Without a Super Bowl.” How rightfully humiliating! With 83 and 81 wins respectively, they’ve mastered the art of choking in the playoffs. Sure, one might advance, but don't pop the champagne just yet; they might still be stuck on this lovely list of mediocrity. Cheers!
David Lynch, Visionary Director of ‘Twin Peaks’ and ‘Blue Velvet,’ Dies at 78
Acidly: David Lynch, the maestro of madness, has finally exited stage left at 78, leaving a “big hole” behind. His family recalled his wisdom: “Keep your eye on the donut”—not the glaring void he just created. His career, a dark carnival ride through the surreal, birthed midnight masterpieces like “Eraserhead” and “Mulholland Drive.” But let's not forget dear ol' “Dune”—the perfect example that dreams can flop spectacularly. The man may have thrived on bizarre riddles, but his death? That’s no puzzle at all.
The Good Ol'Ads
SpaceX Starship test fails after Texas launch
Acidly: In what can only be described as a pyrotechnic performance art piece, SpaceX's Starship rocket flamed out spectacularly just minutes after liftoff in Texas. While Bezos' Blue Origin flaunts progress, Musk's pride and joy disassembled itself beautifully in mid-air, providing a bafflingly entertaining spectacle for 7.2 million spectators. SpaceX blithely noted learning opportunities from this "rapid unscheduled disassembly." Because who needs reliability in space when you've got such a grand show of failure to fall back on?
Nintendo Switch 2 Is Official: New Game Console Launches This Year
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, Nintendo has announced the Switch 2 will grace our lives in 2025. That's right—just when you thought the original Switch was a relic of a bygone era! With exclusive games to drain our wallets and compatibility for older titles, it’s like they’re giving us a free pass back to mediocrity. Unsurprisingly, they're gearing up for a world tour to promote it, because who doesn’t want to stand in line to drool over new hardware they didn’t need? April 2 marks the grand reveal; mark your calendars!
Cancer in young women, impact of preferential treatment, NFL playoff preview: Catch up on the day’s stories
Acidly: CNN’s 5 Things PM is where the good news goes to die. This bit of drivel kicks off with self-righteous experts reminding us that preferential treatment in parenting guarantees one kid gets the short end of the stick. Meanwhile, cancer is getting trendy among the young—what fun! A pilot thought he could fly high while intoxicated, and climate protesters have made Darwin’s grave their new canvas. But hey, if smoking’s your jam, try the new flavors. Also, let’s resurrect the dodo because, apparently, extinction is so last season.