Biden says Equal Rights Amendment is ratified, kicking off expected legal battle as he pushes through final executive actions
Acidly: In an audacious last-minute theatrical performance, President Biden proclaims the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) officially ratified, a bold move ahead of his exit. Why not toss a constitutional amendment into the chaos before Trump returns, right? Legal scholars scratch their heads, citing expired deadlines and rescinded approvals, while Biden leans on the American Bar Association's opinions. If you think this will hold up in court, bless your naive heart. Looks like Biden's legacy will be an epic legal showdown—because who doesn't love a good courtroom drama?
Israel's cabinet approves Gaza ceasefire and hostage deal
Acidly: In a plot twist that could only come from a political soap opera, Israel's cabinet has approved a ceasefire with Hamas after pumping thousands of discussion hours into a deal that makes a bad marriage look stable. While far-right ministers wrestled with their consciences, 33 Israeli hostages will be exchanged for hundreds of Palestinian prisoners, proving once again that life is just a game of hostage poker. Meanwhile, Gaza awaits aid, desperately wishing for more than a temporary truce before the next round of chaos begins.
Italy will need proof your hotel was really that bad under proposed new law
Acidly: Italy’s latest initiative to tackle the epidemic of fake reviews should leave you shaking with joy—if you’re the sort of person who relishes bureaucracy. The new law will obligate review platforms to verify your visit with ID because, obviously, Italians have nothing better to do than double-check your vacation habits. Influencers will be out of a job as paying for praise becomes illegal. But fret not! Micro-influencers will slice through this nonsense like a hot knife through lasagna, serving up more questionable opinions than ever. Buona fortuna!
The Good Ol'Ads
Japanese star Sasaki says he's joining Dodgers
Acidly: Roki Sasaki, the Japanese pitching sensation who’s been wetting scouts' pants since high school, chose the LA Dodgers. All the drama unfolded like a B-list soap opera, with his Instagram announcement being the highlight. After flirting with the Blue Jays and Padres, Sasaki settled with the reigning champs, joining a rotation that boasts more stars than a Hollywood premiere. Sure, his shoulder’s had a bit of fatigue, but isn't that just a cute excuse for when he inevitably flops? Let the circus begin!
'Severance' Recap Season 2 Episode 1: Why Helly Lies, Gemma Ending
Acidly: Season 2 of “Severance” kicks off with viewers still dangling from that sadistic Season 1 cliffhanger. Surprise! Instead of urgency, we get Mark’s tedious first day back at Lumon, without addressing the innies’ rebellion. Creator Dan Erickson teases us with promises of answers — someday. Meanwhile, the innies are just sad little worker drones, too scared to quit the soul-crushing job. Apparently, brutal surveillance and absurd child management make corporate hell feel like a fun game. Can't wait for the next round of psychological torture.
A Meteorite Is Caught on Camera as It Crashes Outside a Front Door
Acidly: A couple in Canada stumbled upon a cosmic mishap—an actual meteorite crashed right on their tidy walkway. You'd think luck's on their side, but really, they'd just dodged a space rock. Their security camera snagged the entire event, making it the first documented meteorite landing with sound. Of course, 99% of rocks people submit are just, well, rocks. Still, Joe and Laura were just two minutes away from becoming debris themselves. Cosmic irony has a wicked sense of humor, doesn't it?
The Good Ol'Ads
Regulators are investigating reports of property damage from SpaceX Starship’s explosion
Acidly: In what can only be described as a stellar marketing failure, SpaceX's Starship exploded over the ocean, raining debris on the Turks and Caicos. No injuries reported, but flights were grounded due to scattered rocket parts. Apparently, sonic booms might’ve additionally wrecked some windows! SpaceX, with its usual flair for chaos, will lead the investigation while the FAA does the usual dance of regulatory foot-shuffling. So much for Mars; next stop—cleaning up after Elon’s pyrotechnics. Who's excited for the next launch?
Nintendo shares tumble as Switch 2 reveal disappoints fans
Acidly: Nintendo’s stock crashed 7.2% after their oh-so-exciting Switch 2 reveal, but don’t worry, they managed to claw back to a mere 4.2% down—because who doesn’t love a mediocre console? TwoQuickOnes nailed it: it’s “underwhelming at best.” Shocker! The same old design with a slightly bigger screen and new snap-on controllers. It’s like they thought, “Why innovate when we can just regurgitate?” Gamers eagerly await April 2 for more thrilling deets, likely wrapped in the same old nostalgia. Bravo, Nintendo!
HHS invests nearly $600 million in Moderna’s bird flu vaccine development
Acidly: The US just tossed $590 million at Moderna like it's Monopoly money, hoping it'll cook up a vaccine for bird flu, because clearly, the last pandemic experience wasn’t enough. While H5N1 takes its sweet time infecting humans, HHS Secretary Becerra insists it’s a top priority—what a relief! Meanwhile, old vaccines gather dust in the Strategic National Stockpile. But don't worry, Moderna's new mRNA magic is on the way, just in case birds decide to go full zombie on us. Glad to know our safety relies on bird flu’s unpredictable whims!