Trump arriving in nation’s capital for inaugural celebrations to mark his return to power
Acidly: Donald Trump's grand return to Washington for his second inauguration is more a circus than a ceremony. With an indoor bash at his golf club featuring a lineup of washed-up celebrities and tech moguls, he’s swapped outdoor fanfare for the coziness of a frigid Capitol Rotunda, reduced to 600 seats—a sad testament to his dwindling numbers. Protests are muted, making room for the hollow splendor of a president who left in disgrace. The pomp is there, but so is the lingering smell of desperation. Welcome back, Mr. Reality TV.
Live updates: Latest on the Israel-Hamas ceasefire and hostage deal
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Israel's far-right Otzma Yehudit party is flipping tables over a ceasefire deal with Hamas. “Reckless!” they bellow, lamenting the release of “murderers” in exchange for hostages. Minister Ben Gvir, never one to shy away from drama, is out the door, mixing political theatrics with bloodlust. Meanwhile, Netanyahu promises to return to war as if it’s just a casual weekend activity. Just another day in the dysfunctional circus that is Israeli politics. Bravo!
Italy will need proof your hotel was really that bad under proposed new law
Acidly: Italy is gearing up for a revolution in tourism reviews, adopting a law that demands proof you didn’t just daydream about that trattoria before posting on Tripadvisor. Bring your ID, folks! Why not collect a few fraud-ridden reviews and see how far you can stretch the truth, right? Our dear tourism minister, Santanchè, assures this will save Italy from dishonest feedback, while influencers sip their free cappuccinos in the shadows. Because, heaven forbid, anyone has an actual opinion anymore!
The Good Ol'Ads
Chiefs use signature late magic to pull away from Texans, advance to 7th straight AFC title game
Acidly: Ah, the Kansas City Chiefs—football’s overachieving delight! They win despite mediocrity, leading to furious debates about the laws of physics and luck. Just ask the Houston Texans, who outplayed them and still lost. A questionable penalty against Mahomes? Classic! The Chiefs manage to dodge defeat like it’s a bad date, while fans of all other 31 teams collectively roll their eyes. They're on a cozy path to a possible third Super Bowl, proving once again that winning ugly is an art form in the NFL. Bravo!
David Lynch’s Children Pay Tribute To Filmmaker, Invite People To Honor Him In “Worldwide Group Meditation”
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, filmmaker David Lynch has died, leaving behind four children who have taken it upon themselves to spread the great man's message of creativity and peace—because what better way to honor a film legend than with a group meditation? As they invite the world to zone out for 10 minutes, it seems grief now comes with a side of new-age therapy. Cue Hollywood’s sob stories—everyone from Nicolas Cage to Ron Howard just cannot get enough of this tragic, but oh-so-profound, feel-good moment.
NASA images show how close Eaton Fire came to NASA JPL, hundreds of homes
Acidly: So, while you were busy binge-watching reality TV, the Eaton Fire decided to turn Altadena into a charcoal briquette. NASA swooped in with flashy infrared cameras to document the charred apocalypse that swallowed 14,000 acres. JPL's campus, usually bustling with geniuses, turned into a staging ground for fire trucks instead of rocket science. Over a thousand folks displaced, many now searching for homes in ashes. Who needs a bonfire when nature puts on such a dramatic show? Just another day in paradise.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump launches meme coin, $TRump days before return to White House
Acidly: In a dazzling display of utter shamelessness, President-elect Donald Trump has birthed a meme coin, $Trump, just hours before his big inauguration—because why not cash in on chaos? With an initial market cap of $5.5 billion, this glorious folly has "predictably" been coordinated by his own venture, CIC Digital. Critics label this a playground for predators, but hey, nothing says "American dream" quite like profiting off the gullible. Just remember: invest wisely, or get ready to hold the bag when the hype fizzles.
Nintendo’s new Switch 2 console to be released in 2025
Acidly: Ah, behold the Nintendo Switch 2, a groundbreaking innovation that’s literally just the Switch with a slightly bigger screen. Releasing in 2025—mark your calendars for another epic bout of longing and disappointment! Those Joy-Cons have now decided to stick around instead of sliding off. How revolutionary. Expect exclusive titles, but don't get too comfy; some beloved games might just decide to vanish into thin air. And for those eager to drool over it in-person, get ready for “Nintendo Switch 2 Experience”—a fancy term for waiting in lines. Exciting!
HHS invests nearly $600 million in Moderna’s bird flu vaccine development
Acidly: In a dazzling display of government spending, the US Department of Health just tossed $590 million at Moderna to whip up a bird flu vaccine. Apparently, the H5N1 virus suddenly became a top-tier threat to humanity—right after a month of Louisiana's first death. Meanwhile, Moderna’s “cutting-edge” mRNA technology gave us a pandemic; let’s hope it does better with poultry. But fear not! Health officials are on it, reminding us that it's all about keeping the pecking order safe—one billion-dollar vaccine at a time.