GRANTING PARDONS AND COMMUTATION OF SENTENCES FOR CERTAIN OFFENSES RELATING TO THE EVENTS AT OR NEAR THE UNITED STATES CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, 2021
Acidly: In a grand display of reconciliation, the President just decided that justice is overrated. Convicts from the Capitol chaos of January 6th can now enjoy their freedom on a silver platter—sorry, moderate citizens, you're not getting a refund on your sense of fairness. With this proclamation, rebellion gets a slap on the wrist, while law-abiding folks scratch their heads, wondering if they can capitalize on this “Get Out of Jail Free” card in Monopoly. Democracy? That's so last year.
Gazans return home to rubble and mixed emotions after ceasefire
Acidly: Ah, the pinnacle of technological advancement: an ad that takes longer to load than your grandma's Wi-Fi. You click, you wait, only to find that the video content is on an indefinite vacation. Ads dawdle like they’re on a leisurely stroll while your blood pressure rises. And let’s not forget the audio assault—because who doesn’t love a loud ad crashing your peaceful escape? It’s a true testament to modern ingenuity: they wanted our attention, and boy, did they get it—just not the way they planned. Bravo!
Italy will need proof your hotel was really that bad under proposed new law
Acidly: Italy, famed for its creamy gelato and overpriced tourist traps, is about to make complaining about bad hospitality a near-extinct art form. A new law aims to make review sites akin to the DMV—painfully bureaucratic. Reviewers need ID and proof of recent visits, because nothing screams “authentic” like government-mandated presence. Meanwhile, those lovely influencers can’t be bribed with free pizza anymore. Yet, small businesses whine it’s not enough. Ah, the sweet irony of Italy safeguarding its *tourist chaos*.
The Good Ol'Ads
How to watch Ohio State-Notre Dame for free in College Football Playoff Championship
Acidly: Tonight's the big night in college football, folks! Ohio State, the heavy favorite, meets Notre Dame in a championship showdown. How thrilling—if you've been daydreaming about the Buckeyes dominating, which they have for years now. Notre Dame hasn't seen a title in 36 years, but hey, they made it this far. For those with slow Wi-Fi or no cable, don’t worry, you can stream for free—because who wouldn't want to watch yet another Ohio State cakewalk? Grab your popcorn and settle in for the inevitable.
Carrie Underwood Sings A Cappella At Donald Trump Inauguration After Tech Glitch – Watch
Acidly: In a twist more awkward than a middle school dance, Carrie Underwood belted “America the Beautiful” a cappella at Trump’s inauguration after a tech failure auditioned as the real star. As she waited in silence, one can only imagine her inner monologue—“You know the words, help me out here,” she pleaded, because who doesn’t come prepared for a national sing-along? Meanwhile, temperatures hovered at a cozy 72 degrees inside, while the rest of the country braved a frigid reality. Welcome to America, folks!
How President Trump could change NASA
Acidly: With Trump back in the driver’s seat, NASA braces for chaos. Speculation runs rampant: will we go to the Moon, or is Mars the new target? Spoiler: Congress might just throw a wrench in those plans. Musk's latest tweet insists the Moon is “so last decade,” but hey, good luck convincing lawmakers. Meanwhile, Jared Isaacman—a billionaire with commercial spaceflight cred—might head NASA, and the Space Force may shuffle around like a game of musical chairs. Buckle up for a cosmic mess.
The Good Ol'Ads
It’s ‘Just Begun’—Trump And Crypto Execs Tease Huge White House Plans
Acidly: Welcome to the wild west of memecoins, where Donald Trump and Melania just decided to turn family drama into crypto chaos. Trump’s coin surged to $14 billion, only to be eclipsed by Melania’s $5 billion rival. Traders scrambled like ants at a picnic after Melania rolled out her $melania coin, sending Trump's value tumbling—about 40% in a flash. Yeah, folks, nothing screams "serious finance" like launching a dynasty of digital tokens. Thanks, democracy!
Rumour: Leaker Names Multiple Xbox Games Potentially Releasing On Switch 2
Acidly: Oh, look! eXtas1s, the leak-master, has dropped another gem, promising a glorious future for the Switch 2, filled with Xbox's hand-me-downs. Tech enthusiasts must be thrilled at the prospect of playing games that are already old news. Diablo 4 is apparently "in the works," but let’s not hold our breath for the others – they sound about as solid as a wet paper bag. Fallout 4 and Starfield? More like Fallout 'No Idea' and Starfield 'Wishful Thinking.' Thanks for the excitement, but I'll stick to my rusty old device for now.
Mapping the effectiveness and risks of GLP-1 receptor agonists
Acidly: In an ever-thrilling episode of "Desperate Diabetes Drug Trials," scientists continue to jam an array of GLP-1 receptor agonists down the throats of unsuspecting patients. While we're still in the dark about their effects on actual health, new studies show they might just do everything but make you breakfast. Ditching old school insulin for weekly injections sounds nice, but in reality, it’s just a masked chaotic circus that somehow manages to reference Alzheimer's in the same breath. Good luck, everyone!