âWeâre about halfway thereâ: Houston mayor again warns Houstonians to stay off roads during winter storm
Acidly: Houston Mayor John Whitmire hosted yet another riveting news conference about the winter storm, delighting the masses with the shocking revelation that âwe're halfway there.â Groundbreaking stuff. He urged folks to stay homeâbecause who needs car accidents, right? Three truck drivers learned that the hard way, proving deadlines are more important than life. Our brave heroes at the hospitals did report fewer incidents, thanks to residents finally listening. Bravo, Houston! Progress at its finest.
At least 76 dead in Turkish ski resort hotel fire
Acidly: Ah, the Grand Kartal hotel at a ski resortâwhere you come for the slopes and leave in a footnote of tragedy. In a delightful twist, 76 people, including children, suffocated during a predawn fire, sparking a flurry of âinvestigationsâ and outrage from the Turkish government, which only seems to care about accountability after the fact. Who needs fire safety when you can enjoy the thrill of near-death? A national day of mourning will surely fix it all. Well done, Turkey; your winter wonderland just turned disastrous.
Libya warlord arrested in Italy on warrant from the International Criminal Court, but then expelled
Acidly: Italy, the land of espresso and questionable moral integrity, recently arrested Libyan warlord Ossama al-Masri right after he cheered for Juventus like a good citizen. But thanks to a court that values cozy ties over justice, he was swiftly sent home. Italyâs dilemma? Balancing its love for a notorious military police unit against the pesky truth of their migrant abuses. So, al-Masri skips back to Libya, leaving humanity to wonder if international law is just a punchline in Italy's corrupt theatre. Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Ichiro, Sabathia, Wagner gain Hall of Fame entry
Acidly: Ichiro, the astonishing 39-year-old rookie, just became the first Japanese player to join baseball's Hall of Fameâone measly vote short of unanimous. But hey, 99.746% is practically perfection, right? Meanwhile, CC Sabathia and Billy Wagner also got the nod, finally making it after years of âmehâ performances. Poor Carlos Beltran and Andruw Jones will just have to be content with impressive stats and scandals. Next time, boys, maybe just try to avoid cheating or playing for the Astros. Good luck!
Blake Lively Quickly Rebukes Justin Baldoni For Releasing 'It Ends With Us' Footage
Acidly: Ah, the glitz of Hollywoodâthe land where drama isn't just on-screen. Blake Lively is serving her best "see-you-in-court" while Justin Baldoni tries to patch his reputation with some questionable footage. Apparently, the footage he released "proves" he's a gentleman. Lively's lawyers are capitalizing on his cringe, pointing out every awkward touch as an illegal fondle. Who knew a film about domestic abuse would echo real-life chaos? But hey, at least the legal bills will help with their PR pushes. Classic!
First-Ever Documented Supersonic Winds Are Ripping Through This Exoplanet
Acidly: Meet WASP-127b, the gas giant thatâs basically a cosmic hurricane. Zip over, and you've got winds screaming at over 20,500 mphâwow, just like your morning commute, except less likely to end in disaster. Neptuneâs pitiful 0.3 miles per second looks like a gentle breeze in comparison. Scientists say this wild planet is a weather mess with fast-moving gases pushing and pulling like a toddler in a candy store. Who needs vacation spots when you can spin around half a star in four days?
The Good Ol'Ads
Netflix shares soar as company reports surging revenue, tops 300 million subscribers
Acidly: Netflix just dropped the kind of fourth-quarter report that makes investors swoonâup 14%, with 19 million new subscribers joining the misery that is binge-watching. Over 300 million paid memberships? Great! Nothing screams "life satisfaction" like another season of "Squid Game" while avoiding real-life problems. Theyâve got big plans: more series, films, and yes, price hikes between $1-2 for the privilege of watching their ads. Cheers to reinforcing our addiction while cashing in on it!
Samsung Galaxy S25 Unpacked live blog â last-minute leaks and all the big news
Acidly: Oh, joy! Samsung is about to unveil its Galaxy S25 Ultra, boasting a glorious 50MP ultra-wide camera that will surely make everyone forget about that measly 12MP from last year. Because who needs a solid camera experience when you can just cram more megapixels in, right? Meanwhile, the rumored AI features sound suspiciously like a desperate attempt to distract us from just how bad the battery life might turn out. Buckle up for another overpriced, underwhelming "upgrade." Can't wait!
Obesity drugs: huge study highlights new health risks
Acidly: Ah, the miracle of modern medicine! Ozempic, the weight-loss wonder, is not just here to chisel your waistline but also to potentially gift you a side of arthritis and a nasty pancreatitis thanks to its "wonderful" effects. Researchers, after scrutinizing nearly 2 million souls, say it reduces risks for heart issues and psychosis but sells you out with a flattering 11% arthritis increase. Donât worry; you can sip on that hip-popping weight loss while praying your pancreatic enzymes donât take revenge. Cheers!