Judge blocks Trump’s ‘blatantly unconstitutional’ executive order that aims to end birthright citizenship
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping display of constitutional ignorance, a federal judge slapped down Trump’s executive order to end birthright citizenship, calling it “blatantly unconstitutional.” Seattle's Judge Coughenour, with decades of experience, bluntly asked, “Where were the lawyers?” Clearly, they were busy sipping coffee, ignoring the 14th Amendment. As babies are born under a “cloud of citizenship doubt,” states are scrambling to block the chaos. Meanwhile, Trump plans to contest because, of course, he knows best. Welcome to America, where even babies' citizenship isn't safe from incompetence.
Teen who killed 3 girls at Taylor Swift-themed dance class in England sentenced to over 50 years
Acidly: In an act of pure terror, 18-year-old Axel Rudakubana attacked a Taylor Swift-themed dance class, killing three girls. While a judge condemned his "exceptionally serious crime," Rudakubana whimsically interrupted the sentencing, claiming illness—because, you know, sympathy is key after mass murder. Despite the screams and horror of that day, he’ll spend 52 years in prison, likely contemplating his cowardice. Meanwhile, the country reckons with its failure to see the monster among innocent children. Heartwarming, isn’t it?
‘Americans kickstarted the resurrection’: Now Italians are snapping up $1 homes for themselves
Acidly: Welcome to Sambuca di Sicilia, where “affordable” housing means janky ruins for €3. Once a hotbed for dollar-chasing Americans, it's now like a reunion of long-lost Italian cousins who finally woke up from their slumber. Mayor Cacioppo muses about the “surprising” trend of Italians joining in. Latest auction: six homes sold, one to an American, because even they know it’s a disaster. Yet, here they are, battling over crumbling stone as if it’s a contestant on a reality show. Warning: rule-benders get their deposits yanked. Good luck!
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LeBron, top vote-getter Giannis lead ASG starters
Acidly: LeBron James, now pushing 40, officially has outlasted the dinosaur era of basketball with his 21st All-Star nod. Surpassing Kareem's 19 is as thrilling as a tax audit. Joining him are familiar faces like Joker, Durant, and Curry—talk about a nostalgia tour. Meanwhile, Giannis gathers fans like a toddler collecting stickers. Jalen Brunson snagged the East's last starter slot amid tight options, because why not? Coaches are mixing teams faster than a DJ at a wedding. Ready for a midseason snooze fest?
Biggest Oscar Snubs and Surprises 2025: Sebastian Stan, Fernanda Torres and More
Acidly: Oscar nominations are out, and what a parade of disappointment for the hopefuls! Daniel Craig gets snubbed while Sebastian Stan grabs a role as Trump. Nothing screams thespian triumph like playing a twice-impeached buffoon. Critics loved “Hard Truths,” but the Academy shrugged her off. Meanwhile, “I’m Still Here” catapults due to a Golden Globe win—because clearly, a fancy trophy is the secret sauce. Oh, and congrats to Karla Sofía Gascón for breaking ground with 13 nominations. Hollywood loves its “firsts,” even if they’re just token gestures.
Earth’s Mini-Moon Was Probably a Piece of Its Real Moon
Acidly: Ah, Earth’s newest “mini-moon,” 2024 PT5—yet another cosmic reject from the moon's local tavern. Spotted briefly, this bus-sized, rock blob is likely moon litter flung into space after a drunken lunar brawl. Astronomers rushed to name it, because what else do they do with their time? Sure, they’ve got evidence, but without a moon sample, it’s just a cosmic guess. China has plans to gather moon rocks, while we’ll settle for naming the next hefty rock we see. Cheers to our celestial trash!
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Trump confronts Bank of America CEO for not taking 'conservative business'
Acidly: At the World Economic Forum, Donald Trump took his shot at Bank of America’s Brian Moynihan, whining about banks rejecting conservatives. Moynihan’s response? Crickets—just a pivot to the World Cup, because who doesn’t love soccer amidst banking drama? Bank of America insists they welcome conservatives, but hey, 15 state attorneys general see it differently. So really, it's a game of righteous outrage over banking practices, while everyone's just waiting for the next scandal. Welcome to 2023!
Samsung Galaxy S25 series has support for seamless updates - GSMArena.com news
Acidly: Wow, Samsung finally joined the "seamless updates" club with the Galaxy S25. After years of watching Google strut around with its shiny new toy, Samsung decided to give it a whirl—eight years late, of course. Sure, your phone will be slightly less useless during updates now, yay! But let's be real: being able to use your overpriced phone while it updates is the groundbreaking feature we all craved, right? Bravo, Samsung! Maybe next you'll figure out how to deliver updates without requiring a yard sale worth of cash.
Cats May Have Gotten Bird Flu From Raw Pet Food. Here’s What to Know.
Acidly: In a laughable twist of fate, bird flu has now decided to take out house cats after wreaking havoc on cows and humans. Federal officials are scrambling as over two dozen cats in the U.S. drop dead, thanks to their owners’ poor choices of uncooked, virus-riddled pet food. Who knew those adorable furballs could be so fragile? Sure, experts say not to panic—because your sick cat definitely won’t give you bird flu. So, keep feeding Fluffy that raw food, it’s not like she’s going to turn into a feathered zombie or anything.