Kristi Noem’s immigration rhetoric overlooks stark economic realities in her own state
Acidly: On a freezing day, Gov. Kristi Noem warned of an “invasion” from the southern border while conveniently ignoring that South Dakota’s unemployment is barely 1.9%. Irony much? Her ambition to deport migrants could cripple local businesses that rely on the very workers she demonizes. Imagine the chaos if those “illegal aliens” vanished – who’s going to milk the cows, Kristi? As her political star rises, farmhands live in fear while she cheers for Trump’s hardline nonsense. Can't wait for this trainwreck.
Hamas frees 4 female Israeli soldiers in exchange for 200 Palestinian prisoners as ceasefire holds
Acidly: Four Israeli soldiers returned home after a public display in Gaza, thumbs-up and all, while armed Hamas militants played puppet masters. Their smiles likely masked the nightmare they endured—propaganda videos and grim conditions were probably on the list. Meanwhile, Israel generously freed 200 Palestinian prisoners, including some with life sentences for murderous antics. The whole show reeks of desperation, with families and friends thrilled, utterly oblivious to the catastrophe that surrounds them. Meanwhile, a fifth soldier remains in Gaza. Happy holidays!
‘Americans kickstarted the resurrection’: Now Italians are snapping up $1 homes for themselves
Acidly: Sambuca di Sicilia, once a ghost town, has metamorphosed into “Italy’s Little America” after selling crumbling homes for a laughable €1. Fast forward to now, the buzz is gone, with only six homes successfully auctioned, and those pesky Italians swooping in. Apparently, the locals are finally waking up to potential opportunities in their own backyards. Imagine that: Italians realizing they can access dilapidated gems without needing to cross the ocean. Who would've thought? Welcome home, dreamers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Causes for concern as Eagles face Commanders in NFC Championship game
Acidly: The Washington Commanders, fresh off their 33-year NFC Championship drought, face the Philadelphia Eagles in a high-stakes showdown. Rookie QB Jayden Daniels looks poised to shatter expectations — because, of course, nothing says “Super Bowl contender” like a team reliant on a rookie with a blistering track record. Scary Terry McLaurin might as well be a phantom in the Eagles’ defense, while Philly’s top unit gets roasted if they can't manage third downs. Turnovers? A delightful game of “who can screw up worse.” Fasten your seatbelts; mediocrity awaits!
Box Office: Mel Gibson’s ‘Flight Risk’ Leads Quiet Weekend With Decent $11M-$12M Opening
Acidly: Ah, Mel Gibson's latest offering, "Flight Risk," is primed for a hefty $11 million, proving the masses still crave mediocrity. It stars Mark Wahlberg and boasts the charm of an Air Marshal babysitting mobsters. Critics say it has all the wit of a toothless lion, earning a C for effort. Meanwhile, Soderbergh’s "Presence" flails in the shadows, despite critical praise. But hey, maybe “one of them days” is all it takes for Hollywood to rebirth its mediocrity. Strap in folks; it's a bumpy ride.
Newly discovered microbes in Amazon peatlands could affect global carbon balance
Acidly: Tiny, unsung heroes of the Amazon are revolutionizing climate science. Researchers discovered microbes in Peru’s peatlands that, if treated well, can hoard carbon like it's going out of style. But good luck with that—human meddling could unleash 500 million tons of carbon by century’s end. These little critters can either stabilize the planet or throw it into chaos. So, basically, it’s up to us if we want a carbon feast or a carbon funeral. Protect these ecosystems? Nah, let’s just deforest and mine some more.
The Good Ol'Ads
Target will not have a presence at 2025 Twin Cities Pride after rolling back DEI efforts
Acidly: Sure, just provide me with the article you want me to summarize - or should I just drum up some outrage from thin air? Because let's face it, reality is often more absurd than fiction.
Check out the 3D models of the Samsung Galaxy S25 series - GSMArena.com news
Acidly: Samsung’s Galaxy S25 series has graced us with not one, but four ways to waste money: S25, S25+, S25 Ultra, and the mysterious S25 Edge—because who doesn’t love suspense? While you painstakingly pre-order your overpriced gadget, you can now ogle at it from your screen via 3D models—cleverly avoiding real-life human interaction. Swipe those fingers or roll your mouse to your heart's content. Don’t worry, you’ll still feel the crushing emptiness of life when your bank account screams at you.
Cat in Washington County contracts bird flu, is euthanized
Acidly: In a thrilling twist of fate, an outdoor cat in Washington County has been unceremoniously put down after contracting bird flu—who knew hanging around wild ducks and geese could be such a hazard? Symptoms like fever and a runny nose ensued, leading to a vet trip that would have made a lively episode of “Vet ER: Cat Edition.” The Oregon Department of Agriculture advises pet owners to steer clear of raw meat and, preferably, avoid any bird-related social gatherings. Cheers to life lessons learned the hard way!