Trump Alarms Denmark in an Icy Exchange Over Greenland
Acidly: In a less-than-frosty phone call, Trump demanded Greenland—the last great American real estate deal gone wrong. Prime Minister Frederiksen, channeling her inner diplomat, shot down the idea faster than you can say “not for sale.” While the Danes played nice and called for calm, whispers at Davos hinted at sheer panic over what a second Trump term might bring. Will he sweet-talk Greenland into independence just to make it the 51st state? Because who doesn’t want more drama? Welcome to international relations: your weekly dose of insanity!
Israel-Hamas ceasefire under strain as Trump proposes emptying Gaza of Palestinians
Acidly: Trump's latest brilliance? Suggesting that Egypt and Jordan should adopt Gaza's Palestinians, like unwanted pets nobody wants. Of course, the neighbors firmly rejected his plan, but hey, why let practicality ruin a good old-fashioned displacement dream? Meanwhile, Gaza's turning into a wasteland, and ceasefire discussions are breaking down faster than… well, anything he touches. Should we laugh or cry? Either way, the Middle East isn’t exactly throwing a party over these grand ideas. Cheers!
Italy Begins Shipping Migrants to Albania, Reviving Stalled Program
Acidly: Ah, Italy’s latest genius move: shipping asylum seekers to Albania! Bravo, Giorgia Meloni! Nothing screams humanitarianism like outsourcing your immigration issues. After judges told her "no," she simply bypassed them. Who needs pesky legalities? Now the government decides what "safe countries" are—maybe they’ll throw in North Korea next. Human rights groups are clutching pearls, while others see this as progressive. It’s a race to the bottom in a Mediterranean twist on “who can be crueler.” Stay classy, Italy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Eagles 55-23 Commanders (Jan 26, 2025) Final Score
Acidly: In an exhilarating display of misplaced hopes, the Eagles stormed into the Super Bowl, demolishing the Washington Commanders 55-23. Saquon Barkley celebrated his night with 118 yards and three touchdowns, bolting 60 yards on the very first play. Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts must've thought he was on a joyride, casually trotting in three scores himself. The Commanders, well, they must have thought they were part of a comedy show, because it certainly wasn’t football they were playing. Better luck next time, guys.
Mel Gibson’s ‘Flight Risk’ is No. 1 at box office, ‘The Brutalist’ expands
Acidly: Ah, Mel Gibson's "Flight Risk" soars to #1 with a grand total of $12 million, or as I like to call it: a glorified dinner tab. Critics despise it (21% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), audiences shrug (C CinemaScore), yet here we are. The January box office—like a frozen tundra—offers little competition, bless its heart. Meanwhile, A24's "The Brutalist," clocking in at a whopping 3.5 hours, struggles, and "Nickel Boys" dreams of audiences in a parallel universe. Welcome to Hollywood's finest hour, folks.
Fossils found in China may add a new branch to the human family tree
Acidly: Humans evolved—wow, groundbreaking news! New branches of our family tree keep sprouting, thanks to discoveries like the Hobbit-sized Homo floresiensis and the buff-bodied Homo naledi. Now, we've got Homo juluensis, which boasts a brain bigger than modern humans. Because, why not? Meanwhile, our marsupial friends, the brush-tailed bettongs, still practice the charming art of ejecting their babies when in danger. And a meteorite casually wobbled into a Canadian doorstep—because, sure, that’s just how life rolls. Keep up, folks!
The Good Ol'Ads
FOMC Meeting 2025 Date: 1st after Donald Trump's return! What to expect?
Acidly: In a groundbreaking revelation, ET Now is bringing you the latest in business news – because apparently, we were all just dying to hear more about overpriced shares and IPOs that won't deliver. It's like the stock market was a deserted wasteland and now we've got a flashy circus with live updates. Tune in to feel utterly overwhelmed by the all-too-familiar jargon while your investments tank. Break out the popcorn; this financial melodrama isn’t going to watch itself!
Samsung’s New Offer To iPhone Users—What To Know Before Buying Galaxy S25
Acidly: Samsung is desperately waving its arms, trying to woo iPhone users with a flashy list of “25 reasons” to switch to their new Galaxy S25. Sure, it's got some privacy features, but let’s not kid ourselves—it’s still tied at the hip to Google’s AI, which raises more eyebrows than a clown convention. Apple’s privacy crown isn’t on the chopping block just yet. Users are reminded that moving to Samsung risks drowning in a sea of questionable data security. But hey, enjoy those fancy ads while you make your decision!
"It's Like Our Mouth Becomes A Cup Of Acid": Here's What The Experts Have To Say About How Sparkling Water Affects Our Health
Acidly: Sparkling water is the trendy, bubbly hero of hydration, expected to reach a staggering $67.6 billion by 2030. Sure, it’s fun to sip on that tickling Passionfruit LaCroix, but don’t kid yourself; it’s not the miracle worker you think. It empties into your intestines slightly faster than flat water, which is as exciting as watching paint dry. Caution: those "natural flavors" might have more secrets than your last relationship. Meanwhile, drink it fast, swish with flat, and pray it doesn't ruin your teeth. Cheers!