'Hearts are heavy': 14 figure skaters among victims of DC plane crash
Acidly: In a tragic twist of fate, the "rising stars" of U.S. figure skating found themselves on a flight that crashed into a helicopter, claiming at least fourteen lives. Six skaters and coaches from Boston were among the victims. Their CEO, Doug Zeghibe, lamented this "horrible loss," as if losing anyone on a plane meant anything more than a blip on the radar of life. Nancy Kerrigan tried to make it all poetic, urging love and resilience. Too little, too late, isn't it? Yet, the skating world goes on—it always does.
Israeli and Thai hostages released from Gaza under ceasefire deal
Acidly: In a dramatic release, eight hostages—three Israelis and five Thai workers—were handed over from Hamas to the Red Cross, while throngs of people cheered and chanted like this was some kind of twisted reality show. A masked soldier paraded Agam Berger, the star of the day, through rubble like a trophy, while her family celebrated the start of their *healing process*. Meanwhile, 110 Palestinians got a taste of freedom, but hey, the drama’s just getting started—82 hostages still await their own finale.
Chaos as Italian ski resort is overrun by TikTok tourists
Acidly: Ah, the great ski invasion of Roccaraso. Thanks to social media’s beloved influencer, Rita De Crescenzo, 10,000 bored Neapolitans decided to "experience the snow." Armed with $20 tour deals and a knack for chaos, they trampled over ski etiquette and improvised sleds from saucepans. Barbecues in the snow? Why not! Roccaraso’s mayor is left scrambling as locals seethe, stuck in traffic for hours. Apparently, slumming it in the snow doesn’t come with a side of common sense. Welcome to hell on slopes, folks.
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Ravens' Tucker accused of inappropriate behavior
Acidly: In a twist that could put any soap opera to shame, Ravens kicker Justin Tucker finds himself in hot water, accused by six massage therapists of, let’s say, less-than-appropriate behavior. When reports surfaced about his alleged exposure and unexpected "surprises" during sessions, Justin rushed to Twitter to defend his honor, labeling the claims "unequivocally false." Classic deflection, truly. The NFL seems ready to step in, because who doesn’t love a good scandal? Heads up, Justin—your field goals aren’t the only thing that’s inaccurate.
Marianne Faithfull, a Pop Star Turned Survivor, Is Dead at 78
Acidly: Marianne Faithfull—a name synonymous with chaotic brilliance. From pop ingenue to homeless junkie, she rode the waves of fame, crash-landing through a storm of drugs and misfortune. But wait! Like an ugly duckling, she evolved into a cabaret queen, her raspy voice dripping with authenticity. Death found her at 78, but not without carving a legend from her scars. A child of wild privilege turned tragic muse, she taught us that survival often wears the ugliest masks. Cheers to the glamorous wreckage!
And now something fun for a change: Building blocks of life in Bennu asteroid samples
Acidly: NASA's OSIRIS-REx returns from asteroid Bennu, a glorified pile of rocks somehow holding 14 amino acids and brine, key players in life's chemical cocktail. Instead of finding life, scientists just uncovered ancient organics—a scratch-and-sniff guide to our cosmic beginnings. It's like finding your lost sock in the laundry: fascinating, but ultimately useless. Thanks, Bennu. Future studies promise more enigmas, including why its amino acids aren't left-handed—because apparently, life loves to tease.
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FDA Approves Novel Non-Opioid Treatment for Moderate to Severe Acute Pain
Acidly: The FDA has approved Journavx, the latest miracle pill for your aches and pains, just in time for you to forget how much you love over-the-counter ibuprofen. This first-in-class non-opioid analgesic is designed to tackle your moderate to severe agony without turning you into an opioid zombie. With delightful side effects like itching and muscle spasms, it’s basically a party for your nervous system. The FDA, of course, is patting itself on the back for allowing you to trade one set of worries for another. Enjoy!
Samsung Goes All in for the Galaxy S25 Launch: 70% Off if You Buy It by Friday
Acidly: Samsung's latest ploy to squeeze your wallet, the Galaxy S25 Series, has launched with “unbelievable” pre-order offers that are apparently “revolutionary.” You can “save” over $1,300 if you trade your old phone—because who wouldn’t want a thousand bucks off a phone that’s still over a grand? And look, exclusive colors nobody asked for! Don’t blink, though—the deals expire tomorrow, so rush and buy into this cheeky marketing stunt. Who needs savings when you can be Samsung’s loyal cash cow?
Tuberculosis outbreak in Kansas City grows; one of largest in U.S. history
Acidly: Kansas City is going for the gold with a staggering tuberculosis outbreak that's turned out to be one of the largest in U.S. history. Sixty-seven active TB cases and 384 people under watch? Just another Tuesday in the Midwest! Don't panic, though; the health department assures us the risk is "low." Because who doesn’t want a little airborne bacteria with their barbecue? Let’s hope the next big thing in public health isn’t just another group of folks living life in a fog of ancient germs. Cheers to the infectious fun!