FBI turns over details of 5,000 employees who worked on January 6 cases to Trump Justice Department, as agents sue
Acidly: In a comical twist on job security, the FBI has complied with demands to deliver details on thousands of employees tied to the January 6 Capitol riot investigations. Surely, nothing screams "we care about your future" like a memo with the word "Terminations" in the subject line. Over 5,000 employee details have been submitted, minus names. Ah, privacy—who needs it when you might be purged by a former reality TV star? The irony of agents facing retribution for doing their jobs? Classic Washington. Ready your "foxholes," folks!
Trump says Palestinians should leave Gaza permanently and US will ‘take over’ strip
Acidly: Ah, Trump’s back with another real estate scheme—this time, it's the Gaza Strip! He claims the U.S. will “take over” the war-torn enclave, promising to “develop” it into something magnificent. Apparently, this involves relocating the locals to “better” digs and handling all those pesky unexploded bombs. Because, you know, why let a humanitarian crisis get in the way of a good property deal? His vision for stability? A laughable delusion in an already chaotic region. What could possibly go wrong?
A Trump. A Dead Duck. And an Uproar in Italy.
Acidly: In the latest chapter of "What Will This Trump Do Next?", Donald Trump Jr. has stirred the pot in Italy, taking a shot—literally—at a rare protected duck in Venice’s lagoon. Lawmakers are fuming, branding him “morally despicable.” Meanwhile, his defense? It’s a total “who shot the duck?” mystery, complete with wild alibis. As videos of the hunting escapade make rounds, one has to wonder: is there a hunting lesson in geopolitical relations, or just another chapter in the Trump comedy of errors?
The Good Ol'Ads
Myles Garrett trade proposals: 10 teams that would make sense for Browns All-Pro
Acidly: Myles Garrett wants out of Cleveland, and the Browns are playing hardball. While they cling to their defensive gem, the trade proposals are flowing, ranging from the laughably weak to somewhat tempting. Atlanta offers future first-rounders to fill their gaping holes, while the Bears think Garrett will make them contenders—bless their delusions. Even New England's grocery list of draft picks looks shaky. In short, everyone wants the shiny toy, but the Browns’ price tag is steep. Enjoy the standoff, Cleveland.
Kanye West Makes Bold Declaration About Bianca Censori's Controversial Grammys Appearance
Acidly: Kanye West can't stop crowing about his wife's barely-there outfit at the 2025 Grammys. Bianca Censori basically wore a sheer thought bubble, and somehow that's made her hotter than the Grammy winners themselves in Google searches—at least according to West, who loves playing stats whack-a-mole. Social media, of course, is roasting them both, calling this stunt an attention grab. But hey, nothing says “I love you” like flaunting your spouse for clout. Bravo, genius!
Grand Canyons on the Moon Were Made in a Matter of Minutes
Acidly: Two canyons on the moon's south pole are throwing shade at the Grand Canyon, flaunting their deep, straight lines, born from a cosmic smackdown 3.8 billion years ago. While the Grand Canyon spent ages patiently etched by nature’s hand, Vallis Schrödinger and Vallis Planck got their look in a mere 10 minutes—faster than you can microwave that frozen pizza you obsess over. Honestly, if only our problems could be solved with a meteor shower, right? At least NASA’s Artemis program can hope to dodge the mess left by that old space brawl.
The Good Ol'Ads
Alphabet stock falls after missing revenue expectations despite strong momentum
Acidly: Alphabet, the parent of Google, bragged about a 12% revenue bump to $96.5 billion, only to disappoint Wall Street with a revenue miss. CEO Sundar Pichai heralded "robust momentum" and AI leadership, blissfully ignoring the 7% stock plummet in after-hours trading. Sure, they have flashy AI models, but investors are more interested in, you know, actual profit. While Pichai plans a $75 billion splurge on AI, the world wonders if they're building the next big thing or just another digital mirage.
Apple Invites Is the AI-Powered Party Planner You Didn't Know You Needed
Acidly: Apple has launched Apple Invites, the app that promises to eliminate the tiresome task of wrangling friends into a party. Because who doesn’t want AI to plan their social life? With this gem, you can curate guest lists, share albums, and even let guests sabotage your playlist. Toss in some "Apple Intelligence" for that perfectly crafted invite, and voilà—the illusion of a sophisticated gathering is complete! Who needs genuine human connection when an algorithm can orchestrate your social events? Genius, right?
Brain tissue may contain higher amounts of microplastics than other organs: Study
Acidly: Breaking news: Your brain might be a plastic sponge! A new "study" reveals that the brain contains a staggering 4,800 micrograms of microplastics per gram—roughly the weight of a standard plastic spoon. So, congrats, your intellect might be partially made of polyethylene. Experts insist it’s not a health concern yet—because who doesn't enjoy a little uncertainty about what’s lurking in their skull? Just remember, avoid single-use plastics and pretend it's all fine. Welcome to the Age of Plastic!