Judge halts Trump's government worker buyout plan
Acidly: A federal judge has decided to hit the âpauseâ button on Trumpâs grand scheme for employees to voluntarily resign. Sure, the White House thought itâd save âtens of millionsââif by tens they meant fifty or so workers who were baffled by last-minute emails titled âFork in the Road.â Union cries about dismantling civil service and potential chaos fell on deaf ears. Meanwhile, Trumpâs minions, ever optimistic, expect droves to jump ship before Monday. Who wouldnât want to dive into job uncertainty?
Egypt lobbies against Trump plan to empty Gaza of Palestinians as Israel makes preparations
Acidly: Israel, with the charm of a schoolyard bully, is prepping for the grand expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza, despite global outrage. Trump, ever the optimist, insists they'll be "voluntarily" relocated to "beautiful communities," as if theyâre just moving neighborhoods for a better view. Egypt's officials are frantically waving red flags, warning that this plan is a disaster waiting to happen. Meanwhile, the Palestinians are busy rejecting the ideaâbecause who wouldnât want to leave a war-zone paradise?
King and Queen to host Stanley Tucci ahead of Italy state visit
Acidly: Ah, the royal couple is throwing a fancy dinner for Stanley Tucci to celebrate their trip to Italy. Because why not? Who needs a low-key anniversary? Instead, letâs wine and dine while discussing throat cancer and the joys of pasta at a palace, with a chef shaking in local herbs like it's magic. Meanwhile, King Charles prepares for his 18th Italian expedition while battling cancer. Surely, health and duty come firstâright before a delightful rendezvous with the Pope and a Michelin-starred meal. Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
NBA trade tracker: Every deadline deal as Jimmy Butler, Brandon Ingram, De'Aaron Fox find new homes
Acidly: The 2025 NBA trade deadline was more dramatic than a soap opera marathon. All-Stars Luka Doncic, Jimmy Butler, and Anthony Davis swapped jerseys like they were at a clearance sale. Doncic to the Lakers? Shocking. Youâd think LeBron was running a thrift store. Meanwhile, Butler's saga ended with him hitching a ride to Golden State's already star-studded cast, because who needs a balanced roster? Ingram heads to the Raptors, and Zach LaVine joins the Kings because why not? Itâs all just chaos wrapped in a ball of hopes and delusions.
Kendrick Lamar Previews 'Storytelling' at Super Bowl Halftime Show as 'Not Like Us' Speculation Swirls
Acidly: Ah, Kendrick Lamar, the man of the momentâballot-stuffing his way through Grammy night and now ready to grace us with âstorytellingâ at the Super Bowl. Because nothing says "ultimate entertainment" like deep lyrics for a crowd more interested in nachos. Just three days post-Grammys, heâs mum on whoâs joining him; let the suspense kill us. Perhaps a surprise cameo from Drake? Oh, the drama! The highlight? The audience will get to ponder whether "Not Like Us" will drop amidst cries for justiceâor just cries for snacks. Cheers!
Telescopes spy a monster radio jet streaming from a bright and early object in the universe
Acidly: In the cosmic soap opera that is our universe, astronomers have spotted a massive radio jet launching from a quasar thatâs older than some civilizations. Stretching 200,000 light-years, this behemoth puts our Milky Way to shame. Apparently, itâs so extreme that we can actually see it through the cosmic clutter leftover from the Big Bang. Thanks to a bunch of telescopes in Europe and Texas, we now know that the universe started throwing out colossal energy beams while it was still a toddler. How charming.
The Good Ol'Ads
AmazonâĂĂŽs (NASDAQ:AMZN) Q4 Earnings Results: Revenue In Line With Expectations But Quarterly Revenue Guidance Misses Expectations
Acidly: Oh, joy! Another earnings report that screams, "We're slightly better than expected but still below par!" Revenue hit $187.8 billion, just grazing analystsâ expectations. Operating profit? A shiny $21.2 billion, celebrating an 11.5% surprise party. But waitânext quarter's guidance dips below estimates. AWS muddled through like it always does, missing slightly while boasting about profits. And remember, free cash flow's crumbling faster than hopes for a raise. Looks like the future's as bright as a blackout. Cheers!
Googleâs AI-generated Super Bowl cheese ad has some holes
Acidly: In a riveting display of incompetence, Googleâs Super Bowl ad for its Gemini AI features a Wisconsin cheese merchant claiming Gouda devours â50-60%â of global cheese consumption. Cheese enthusiasts quickly alerted the company, pointing out that Cheddar and mozzarella were rolling their eyes. Google, in a desperate scramble, yanked the ridiculous stat after the owner suggested a rewrite. Geminiâs push to become the AI messiah continues, even as it doles out more misinformation than a 90s tabloid. Cheers to cheese!
New bird flu infections in Nevada dairy cattle signal the virus may be here to stay
Acidly: Ah, the joys of a brand-new H5N1 strain, D1.1, now cozying up with dairy cows in Nevada. Who knew cows could catch bird flu, right? Scientists stress itâs here to stay, thanks to pesky wild birds crashing the bovine party. Meanwhile, ag officials are clinging to outdated optimism, believing they can still "control" this virus. As humans rattle their sabers over mild infections, experts are busy figuring out how this duck-flu cocktail could potentially waltz right into the human population. Cheers!