Missing commuter plane found crashed on Alaska sea ice and all 10 aboard died, authorities say
Acidly: A small commuter plane vanished into Alaska's icy grip, leaving 10 passengers as empty chairs in a tragic game of musical seats. Bering Air's Cessna Caravan, battling fog and snow, met its fate less than an hour after takeoff. The Coast Guard, rediscovering the wreck like an unwanted holiday gift, confirmed the absence of any distress signalsâbecause why bother when you're plummeting? As prayer vigils erupt, one might wonder if thoughts and prayers ever come with a refund for tragic aviation adventures. Spoiler: they donât.
Hamas names next hostages to be released
Acidly: Hamas is back at hostage bingo, releasing names of the next lucky winners: Eli Sharabi, Ohad Ben Ami, and Or Levy. Thirteen more hostages were teased for a potential swap while 383 prisoners got a one-way ticket to freedom. Countless lives lost, both sides playing a tragic game of human chess. Sharabi's family may find solace in his release, but really, who gets a happy ending in this chaos? Meanwhile, aid trucks in Gaza have turned into a punchline, and Netanyahuâs pleas demand a better punchline too. Good luck with that.
King and Queen to host Stanley Tucci ahead of Italy state visit
Acidly: Oh, look! King Charles and Queen Camilla are rolling out the royal carpet for Stanley Tucci, as if we needed more proof that the monarchy is just a gala in slow motion. They plan to munch Italian food and schmooze with the Pope, because nothing says "20 years of matrimony" like a dinner with a chef and a mixologist. Meanwhile, Charles is battling cancer and still finds time to play statesman. What a charmed lifeâgranted, the crown does seem a tad heavy when youâre busy schmoozing for your next photo op.
The Good Ol'Ads
Chris Berman picks the winner of Super Bowl LIX
Acidly: Oh look, it's Chris Berman, the Nostradamus of touchdowns, back at it again, boldly picking the Chiefs to snag victory over the Eagles in Super Bowl LIX. Because why wouldnât we trust a guy whoâs been right a few times? Youâd think a three-peat would morph the Chiefs into gods, yet here we are, minutes from witnessing whether they can wield more than just a history lesson. Meanwhile, Saquon Barkley lurksâbecause perhaps his 2,000 yards can actually mean something this time? Spoiler: Chiefs win, ho-hum.
Critics Choice Awards: Winners List (Updating Live)
Acidly: The 2025 Critics Choice Awards kicked off in Santa Monica, helmed by Chelsea Handler, who seemed to momentarily forget she was at an awards show, offering heartfelt thanks to first responders battling catastrophic wildfires. Meanwhile, her monologue descended into the kind of political commentary even your cranky uncle would roll his eyes at. In the midst of Hollywood's pretentious circle-jerk, winners were announced, and political speeches ensued, reminding us that even a glitzy awards show canât escape the grim realities of our times.
Newly discovered asteroid now has a slightly higher risk of hitting Earth
Acidly: Ah, another asteroid is gunning for Earthâ2024 YR4, with its thrilling 2.2% chance of annihilating us on December 22, 2032. Thank goodness the European Space Agency is monitoring it like a hawk, because nothing screams "safety" like peering into the abyss of space with a slightly improved risk assessment. Sure, this cosmic bowling ball could flatten a city block if it hits, but letâs hope it just buzzes by, right? And donât worry, thereâs a group of scientists ready to âmitigateâ things, whatever that means.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump says Nippon Steel will 'invest heavily' in US Steel, drop takeover bid
Acidly: In a twist straight out of a bad sitcom, President Trump announced Japan's Nippon Steel is ditching its $14.9 billion bid for US Steel. Instead, theyâll âinvest heavilyâ without taking controlâclassic, right? Dodging Bidenâs national security blockage must be a sport now. Meanwhile, Trump hilariously confused Nippon with Nissan. Prime Minister Ishiba, seemingly starstruck, claimed Trump was âsincere and powerful.â Who knew the real steel industry drama would involve more clowning than business strategy? And yes, tariffs are still on the tableâwhat a charmer!
New Apple products will launch next week, hereâs whatâs coming
Acidly: Apple's gearing up for another overpriced circus, launching the iPhone SE 4 and Powerbeats Pro 2 next week. The SE 4 brings a slew of âexcitingâ features, like Face ID and a 48MP camera. Wow, such innovationâright out of last year's models, of course! Expect to fork over $499 for an upgrade that shouldnât even exist. Meanwhile, Powerbeats Pro 2 are dropping their colors like an indie band rebranding. Who knew a heart-rate sensor was the new must-have? Brace yourselves, it's just another day in Apple Land.
Doctors' visits for flu highest in 15 years, most since swine flu pandemic: CDC
Acidly: Oh joy, flu season is back and with a vengeance! According to the CDC, outpatient visits for flu illnesses have hit a 15-year high. Isn't that just fantastic? Nearly 8% of all respiratory visits are now due to the flu, up from a measly 3.2% last year. And the death toll? A heartwarming 13,000 and counting. Vaccination ratesâsurprise!âare dismally low. But worry not, COVID-19 is taking a backseat, so letâs all gather âround for this delightful infection cocktail. Cheers to modern medicine!