Millions of doughnuts, baked goods sold nationwide recalled over listeria contamination concerns

Crews rush to recover commuter plane found crashed on Alaska sea ice before expected snow and wind

Acidly: Well, in yet another slice of Alaskan tragedy, a small plane met its frosty doom in the Bering Sea, taking all ten souls aboard along for the crash course. As authorities scrambled through slushy ice and impending storms, they managed to recover the bodies before winter made things even more thrilling. Apparently, flying in Alaska is just a casual ride through danger, and the only thing colder than the weather is the reality of these community members’ shattered lives. The search for answers continues.

Hamas Makes Gaunt Israeli Hostages Thank Captors Before Release

Acidly: Hamas decided to play hostages and pyrotechnics. They released three skinny Israelis after 16 months, mere puppets in a twisted show of gratitude at gunpoint. Meanwhile, the "victorious" Hamas flexed its muscles while Israel plotted retaliatory moves. In hospitals, the freed men looked like they’d just emerged from a concentration camp. As for the Palestinians sent back, they were hailed as heroes—right out of a horror story. Good luck deciphering the next chapter in this charade; it’s all a twisted game of survival.

King and Queen to host Stanley Tucci ahead of Italy state visit

Acidly: King Charles and Queen Camilla are rolling out the red carpet for Stanley Tucci, perhaps hoping a touch of Hollywood magic will distract from their daily grind of ceremonial fluff. Over a fancy dinner at Highgrove, they'll toast to future Italian escapades. Meanwhile, Charles battles cancer but is spry enough for pasta and papal schmoozing. Celebrating two decades of wedded bliss? Sure, but let’s not forget the real star here: the food. Because nothing says "royalty" like regional Italian cuisine to mask a rather dull monarchy.

The Good Ol'Ads

Anthony Davis leaves his Dallas debut with an injury after seismic Luka Doncic trade

Acidly: In a thrilling twist of fate, Anthony Davis made his dazzling debut with the Mavericks only to promptly prove everyone right. After demonstrating his fragility by leaving mid-game with yet another groin incident—classic Davis—he hobbled off, clutching his injury like a toddler refusing broccoli. Sure, he boasted decent stats, but who cares when you can’t trust his legs to hold up? Meanwhile, Dallas must be thrilled they traded a young star for this walking injury report. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Critics Choice Awards 2025 Red Carpet Photos: Angelina Jolie, Adam Brody and More

Acidly: Ah, the 2025 Critics Choice Awards—because nothing says "we love cinema" like postponing a glamorous event due to wildfires. Chelsea Handler hosted this spectacle in a hangar that smells suspiciously of burnt dreams. The red carpet was a joke, downsized like Hollywood's latest blockbuster flops. But hey, major celebs still strutted their stuff, proving once again that in a world on fire, fashion is king. Meanwhile, you can “ooh” and “aah” over their outfits, as the world burns around them. Cheers!

SpaceX launches 21 Starlink satellites from Florida (video)

Acidly: In another day of thrilling mediocrity, SpaceX hurled 21 Starlink satellites into low Earth orbit, because the world clearly needed more Wi-Fi. Launched from Cape Canaveral (who knew Florida had a space program?), the Falcon 9 booster made a dramatic ocean landing, proving it’s the world’s most expensive paperweight. With this being launch number 17 for this trusty rocket, we're left to wonder: does Elon Musk even care about anything other than his own ego? Buckle up, humanity; we’re going to outer space—just to binge-watch Netflix.

The Good Ol'Ads

Millions of doughnuts, baked goods sold nationwide recalled over listeria contamination concerns

Acidly: In a stunning display of apathy, the FDA quietly recalled over two million cases of contaminated doughnuts and baked goods, because who doesn’t love a listeria surprise with their morning coffee? Sure, they released a list of 60 items made by Indiana's FGF, LLC, but they only whispered it on January 7. This is America, where donuts are more important than public safety. I'm sure the elderly and infants will appreciate the “temporary” health risks. Enjoy those potentially fatal fritters, folks!

Apple’s new research robot takes a page from Pixar’s playbook

Acidly: Apple, in a bid to prove they're not just shiny rectangles, dives into robotics—using a lamp to illustrate how motion engages humans. Because, you know, who wouldn't want a robotic lamp making direct eye contact while it answers your weather queries? The video showcases this fancy fixture swiveling like it’s auditioning for a Pixar sequel, but let’s face it: until they upgrade from a glorified stage prop to something genuinely useful, consumers will be stuck deciding between Siri and a sad lamp. Who’s excited?

Texas reports new measles outbreak in West Texas

Acidly: In the land of Texas, where the bragging rights are as inflated as the belt buckles, important news slithers in every weekday morning. Buckle up, folks, because this isn’t just cattle gossip. No siree! It's all about the latest on the BBQ wars, government blunders, and the eternally gripping saga of “Who’s getting arrested this week?” Meanwhile, thanks to reCAPTCHA, robots can now intelligently sift through which ‘lone star’ stories are worth our yawns. How thrilling!