Netanyahu Says Fighting in Gaza Will Resume if Hostages Are Not Freed Saturday

Musk touts DOGE transparency but downplays his own potential conflicts of interest

Acidly: In a bizarre Oval Office spectacle, Elon Musk defended his government overhaul while Trump dutifully marinated in obedience. Dressed like an extra from a noir film, Musk claimed unelected "fraudsters" were draining taxes, all while cloaking himself in a shroud of self-righteousness. With his toddler using him as a human jungle gym, Musk dismissed pesky questions about conflicts of interest—who needs transparency when you’ve got billions in contracts and a cozy chat buddy like the president? Ah, democracy!

Netanyahu Says Fighting in Gaza Will Resume if Hostages Are Not Freed Saturday

Acidly: In a gripping episode of "Who Can Scream the Loudest," Netanyahu threatened Hamas with his classic “no hostages by Saturday, no cease-fire” routine. Because nothing says diplomacy like veiled threats. Meanwhile, Trump throws in his two cents with a proposal to uproot Palestinians faster than a gardener on payday. As both sides toss around ultimatums like confetti, families yearn for sanity while leaders paint the conflict as a game. Spoiler alert: No winners here, just tons of suffering.

Police blitz targeting Italian mafia nets nearly 150 arrests: "Historic blow"

Acidly: In a dazzling display of law enforcement, Italian police arrested nearly 150 Sicilian mobsters—who clearly forgot it wasn’t 1984 anymore. As per usual, the Cosa Nostra was found dabbling in classics like drug trafficking and extortion, while hiding behind encrypted smartphones. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Meloni treated this as an Olympic event, celebrating her “historic blow” against organized crime. Don’t worry, though; young recruits are still flocking to glorify this crime-relic. The cycle continues!

The Good Ol'Ads

Gafford out with knee sprain as Mavs' depth thins

Acidly: In a twist of fate that screams "you can't make this up," the Mavericks’ frontcourt is falling apart faster than a cheap building during an earthquake. Gafford limped off with yet another knee sprain after a whopping 10 minutes of action. With the "new and improved" Davis sidelined, and Lively on crutches due to a stress fracture, the team's dreams of a robust frontcourt are dashed. Welcome, Olivier-Maxence Prosper, your 34 minutes of fame are at hand. Good luck to the Mavericks — you’ll need it.

HBO’s “The White Lotus” Remains Worth the Trip in Brilliant Third Season

Acidly: HBO’s “The White Lotus” hits Thailand, where wealthy folks scramble to pretend their lives aren’t crumbling amid luxury resorts and impending violence. Creator Mike White is back to play therapist as he captures rich narcissists revealing their ugly truths. Meet Timothy, a businessman on the brink, and his equally delightful family of emotional wrecks. Add in old friends bickering over status, and a resort employee caught in awkward romances. Because nothing screams self-awareness like a vacation, right?

Space telescope reveals rare ‘Einstein ring’ phenomenon with startling clarity

Acidly: Oh joy, the Euclid mission stumbled upon a shiny Einstein ring while calibrating its instruments. Designed to explore the “dark universe,” it seems even scuffed-up telescopes can have their lucky days. Found encircling a neglected galaxy, this breathtaking cosmic ring might help scientists poke into the many layers of dark energy and dark matter—yawn. Who knew lurking galactic blobs could be so thrilling? Just what we needed: more enigmatic forces that make the universe as perplexed as your last Tinder date.

The Good Ol'Ads

The Semiannual Monetary Policy Report to the Congress

Acidly: Ah, the joys of government efficiency! Hearings that are mysteriously locked away until they decide to grace us with their presence online. And if you're disabled? Just give them a heads-up three business days in advance—because who doesn't plan their weeks around potential public hearings? Clearly, accessibility is all the rage—just ask the committees about their groundbreaking “we-think-you-can-figure-it-out” policy. But hey, at least they’re webcasting! What a charitable endeavor!

Apple brings heart rate monitoring to Powerbeats Pro 2

Acidly: Apple finally graced us with the Powerbeats Pro 2, six long years after the original. They kept the fancy ear hooks for gym rats and added heart rate monitoring—because who wouldn't want to track their stress levels when they realize they just dropped another $250 on earbuds? The new model boasts better battery life and sound, but don’t hold your breath for Strava compatibility. Expect flashy ads featuring athletes to distract from the fact you’re still just paying for a fancy logo. Welcome to overpriced minimalism!

Video: Dr. Sanjay Gupta explains why this flu season is so bad

Acidly: Oh, the mighty "Thank You!" echoes through the hallways of insincerity! Someone took the time to provide feedback, which, let’s be honest, will probably land in the trash faster than a bad idea at a brainstorming session. Sure, they appreciate it, but the real question is—what happens now? Spoiler: nothing. Your words will be chewed up, spat out, and neatly ignored while the corporate machine keeps chugging along. Congratulations, you've been thanked. Hope you enjoyed that moment of utter futility!