U.S. and India aim to more than double bilateral trade to $500 billion in five years, Prime Minister Modi says
Acidly: India and the U.S., in a thrilling episode of "Trade Wars 2.0," plan to crank bilateral trade up to $500 billion by 2030, because why stop at a measly trade deficit of $45.7 billion? Modi paraded his sincerity as Trump vowed to match India's 17% tariff rates with a gleeful "reciprocal" slap on the wrist. Between chats of semiconductors and tariffs, let's not forget Trump's love for oil sales. How romantic! Who knew trade agreements could lead to this commercial soap opera of tariffs and minerals? Bravo!
A driver plows into a demonstration in Munich, injuring 30 people
Acidly: In a classic twist of irony, a Mini Cooper took center stage at a Munich labor union protest, leaving 30 victims—both adults and children—redder than the car's paint. The perpetrator, an Afghan asylum-seeker with a penchant for chaos, zoomed past police to wreak havoc. As politicians scramble for post-attack soundbites and blame immigration for the fiasco, one wonders if German elections will soon include a new party: "The Drivers of Chaos." Stay tuned for the next tragic episode in this thriller called modern politics.
Italian Police Arrest 181 in ‘Important Blow’ to Cosa Nostra
Acidly: Italian police just arrested 181 Cosa Nostra affiliates, calling it a big win. But don't pop the champagne; the mafia isn't merely surviving, it's thriving! With a shiny new business model involving online gambling and fresh recruits, they've modernized while clinging to old rituals. Think of it as vintage meets high-tech crime. Authorities are sweating over the allure the mafia holds for desperate youths. Bravo, Sicily! You’ve turned the quaint tradition of organized crime into a full-blown tech startup.
The Good Ol'Ads
Chiefs give Travis Kelce until mid-March to decide NFL future: Source - The Athletic
Acidly: The Kansas City Chiefs are sweating bullets awaiting Travis Kelce's decision on his future. With a March 14 deadline looming, their star tight end is putting them on the edge of their seats. At 35, Kelce has danced through 21 playoff games—talk about a smartwatch battery dying! He’d lead the league in receptions if he weren’t busy contemplating retirement amidst whispers of fatigue and waning stats. Essentially, the Chiefs are reduced to begging him to skip the old-man retirement home and carry on for 2025. Good luck with that.
Kanye West and Bianca Censori Are Not Divorcing, Rep Says, Denying “Tabloid Rumors” (Exclusive)
Acidly: Kanye West and Bianca Censori’s marriage is supposedly on the rocks—again. After her eye-popping nude look at the Grammys and his latest social media meltdown declaring love for Hitler, who wouldn’t want to hit the eject button? Their rep insists it’s all nonsense; they’re just spending Valentine’s Day together. Classic. Meanwhile, Yeezy's store morphed from edgy fashion to Nazi chic overnight—talk about a brand pivot! And now, a fresh lawsuit over harassment isn't exactly helping Kanye keep the spotlight on love.
Record-Breaking Neutrino From Deep Space Spotted by Undersea Telescope
Acidly: Oh great, another neutrino comes crashing through space, flexing its muscles at an energy level of 220 petaelectronvolts – a record-breaking feat that makes previous high-energy neutrinos look like weaklings. This particular particle, detected off Sicily, likely originated from some violent cosmic shenanigans, most probably a black hole with a flair for drama. But really, who cares? As if barely-there particles matter when humanity can’t even agree on what’s for dinner. Research is pending. Thrilling.
The Good Ol'Ads
Joann Fabrics closing a dozen Minnesota stores as part of Chapter 11 bankruptcy
Acidly: In a stunning twist of fate, Joann is pulling the plug on 12 fabric stores in Minnesota as it desperately tries to crawl out of yet another Chapter 11 nightmare. With 500 stores shuttering nationwide, it seems crafting just isn’t the gold mine they thought it was. The good news? Some poor souls can still find solace in the remaining “successful” stores while those losing their jobs can finally pivot to a career in… unlicensed knitting from home? Cheers to the end of an era!
Tim Cook teases Apple product news for February 19 — likely the iPhone SE
Acidly: Ah, Tim Cook's teasing on X is the highlight of the week. A fourth-generation iPhone SE is “arriving” on February 19—because waiting three years for a mediocre upgrade is what we live for. Sure, let's ditch the Touch ID home button that people actually like. Face ID? Great, unless you're in bed or wearing a mask. But don’t worry, the budget version will still be as overpriced as ever, while Cook sits back counting his millions. Only in Apple’s world does “budget” mean a choice between your kidneys.
Notes from the Field: Seroprevalence of Highly ...
Acidly: In a groundbreaking investigation that might win the Pulitzer in the "More Questions Than Answers" category, the CDC surveyed 150 bovine veterinarians and found that three, or roughly 2%, had antibodies for HPAI A(H5). Notably, none reported symptoms, suggesting maybe they’re just lucky. Vet conferences now offer $50 gift cards for a blood draw, while the rest of us just want to know why no one wore actual protection while dealing with potentially infected cattle. Good luck, dairy farmers!