US East braces for flooding, with snow in the forecast for the Northeast. The Plains will be frigid
Acidly: Welcome to Nature's rollercoaster, where the East gets a rain-soaked baptism, and the Midwest endures an Arctic smackdown. Kentucky's under water—literally—Gov. Beshear wades in with his state of emergency and sage advice to “stay home.” Meanwhile, Colorado's snowy horror story includes a train munching an abandoned car. Snow also loves New York and New England, smothering them with a foot of white misery. Don’t forget California—mudslides are the encore. Mother Nature sure knows how to throw a party!
Top Trump officials set to meet with senior Russian officials to begin Ukraine talks
Acidly: In a thrilling twist, top Trump officials—Waltz, Rubio, and Witkoff—are off to Saudi Arabia to negotiate an end to the Ukraine war. After a “highly productive” chat with Putin, Trump has decided it’s time to shove a solution down Russia's throat, even if it means dancing with a petro-state. Will they actually get somewhere? Doubt it. Trump’s mouth says one thing, while reality laughs. But don’t fret, as long as the Crown Prince’s got popcorn, this should be a spectacular flop.
Italian Police Arrest 181 in ‘Important Blow’ to Cosa Nostra
Acidly: In the latest Italian circus, police arrested 181 Cosa Nostra affiliates, claiming victory against a resilient criminal outfit that's sharper than a chef's knife. With new recruits and a side hustle in online gambling, they’ve modernized while feigning nostalgia for "ancient rituals." Meanwhile, poor youths see the mafia as their "powerful" future. Lt. Col. La Padula bemoans its survival, and we roll our eyes—guess they didn't get the memo that crime doesn't pay. Thanks, Palermo, for keeping hopes alive!
The Good Ol'Ads
Division I Men’s Basketball Committee reveals top 16 seeds one month before Selection Sunday
Acidly: Ah, the Bracket Preview Show, where dreams of March Madness are boosted by a flimsy 16-team reveal. This year's star is Auburn, crowned top seed because winning is fun—who knew? Alabama and Duke followed, apparently on their own quest for mediocrity, while Florida waltzed in to nab the last No. 1. Five SEC teams dominate, pushing the "historic season" narrative, because why not rehash old stories? And with first-year committee members, expect a circus come Selection Sunday. Buckle up!
Box Office: ‘Captain America: Brave New World’ Inaugurates a $40 Million Opening Day
Acidly: Marvel's "Captain America: Brave New World" kicked off with a whopping $40 million debut, eclipsing the cinematic titan "Dog Man." Meanwhile, poor reviews and a franchise-worst B- CinemaScore haunt it like a bad smell. Audiences seem to prefer those cuddly bears in "Paddington in Peru," which scored an A rating and looks set to wrap its paws around a cozy $17 million. So much for Captain America's thrilling return; perhaps next time, he should team up with Paddington. Despite a $180 million budget, this "Brave New World" might end up being just a brave new flop.
Catch The Aurora Borealis As Far South As Michigan And Maine This Valentine's Day
Acidly: Oh, look! If you’re in the northern U.S. and forgot about Valentine's Day, Mother Nature is swooping in to save your sorry behind. Forget about overpriced dinners; just gaze at the aurora borealis, which might dazzle southern folks who rarely see anything more impressive than a pizza delivery. NOAA's geomagnetic storm is your romantic backdrop—how charming! Just be sure to dodge city lights to avoid ruining your “magical” moment. Good luck impressing your date with that!
The Good Ol'Ads
Amazon workers at North Carolina warehouse vote against unionizing
Acidly: In a thrilling twist straight out of the labor movement's greatest hits, Amazon warehouse workers near Raleigh opted to keep their employer-buddy relationship over forming a union. With 2,447 votes against and just 829 in support, it’s clear the $18.50 starting wage felt generous enough for those clinging to the dream of a $30 wage. Amazon, which may as well be printing money, insists it offers “competitive pay and benefits,” while workers grapple with food insecurity. So, here's to solidarity! Or not.
Top Stories: 'Apple Launch' Next Week, Powerbeats Pro 2 Debut, and More
Acidly: Oh, look at Apple, holding yet another “special” launch next Wednesday. Tim Cook, with all the mystery of a cheap magician, hinted at unveiling a new iPhone SE—shocking, right? Meanwhile, they've rolled out their Powerbeats Pro 2, because who doesn't need heart rate monitoring while listening to overpriced music? And Android users can finally enjoy Apple TV+, because why keep the ecosystem exclusive? Stay tuned; at this rate, we'll be waiting for an iPhone toaster next.
Measles outbreak continues in Texas, cases double: investigation underway
Acidly: Oh, Texas, where the only thing spreading faster than measles is the stubborn disregard for vaccines. In just three weeks, 48 unvaccinated kids in Gaines County have decided they prefer nasty rashes and coughs over a simple shot. A dozen are in the hospital—guess they missed the memo that measles was "eliminated" two decades back. And health officials? They're having a field day, probably rolling their eyes at yet another predictable outbreak. Who needs science when you have belief over facts? Enjoy the itch, kiddos!