Trump administration gives schools a deadline to end DEI programs or risk losing federal money
Acidly: In a masterclass on irony, the Trump administration threatens schools with financial death if they don't scrub diversity efforts pronto. Apparently, the American educational system needs a serious reboot to rid itself of the "rampant discrimination" against white and Asian students—who knew? Two weeks is all they get to rip apart decades of diversity gains or face starvation. Meanwhile, educators scratch their heads, wondering if teaching African American history is now somehow illegal. Welcome to the new normal: education under the whims of a meme-worthy administration.
Pope Francis, Hospitalized, Has Pneumonia, Vatican Says
Acidly: Pope Francis, 88, is once again proving that "hospital chic" is the new black as he battles pneumonia in both lungs. After a delightful stint with a polymicrobial infection, he’s trading in Mass for mistreatment. The Vatican assures us he’s “in good spirits,” probably sipping on holy tea while reading newspapers—how riveting. This isn’t his first rodeo; his health problems are as abundant as the prayers he’s accumulated. So, let’s hope he makes a miraculous recovery and maybe invents a miracle pill for old age while he’s at it.
Tourists flock to erupting volcano in Italy, blocking rescue workers
Acidly: Welcome to Sicily, where the majesty of Mount Etna is rivaled only by the incompetence of its tourists. Amidst spectacular lava shows, thousands flock to the volcano, ignorant of basic safety. Wildly parked cars block rescue vehicles—because who needs emergency services, right? Eight hikers got lost like wayward souls in a video game, while one chap's icy fall left him as a human ice sculpture. Really, nothing says vacation like risking life and limb to gawk at molten rock. Tourist season? More like disaster season.
The Good Ol'Ads
College football's credibility at stake as Big Ten, SEC aim to tighten stranglehold on playoff access
Acidly: College football is becoming a predetermined soap opera, thanks to the ever-ambitious SEC and Big Ten. They’re pushing to secure four automatic playoff spots each, meaning we might as well just hand Iowa a ticket before the season starts. It’s not as fun when you can forecast the contenders, right? With the playoff system tipping towards favoritism, the sport risks becoming as predictable as pro wrestling. So, buckle up as these leagues flex their muscles—because who doesn't love watching the same teams over and over?
Jurors have reached a verdict at the felony trial of rapper A$AP Rocky
Acidly: A$AP Rocky just dodged a 24-year prison sentence like it was a bad fashion choice. After jurors decided his "not guilty" plea was more believable than a Kardashian's excuse, he celebrated with a hug from Rihanna, who must've been crying tears of joy—or pity. The trial had more twists than a bad rap song, with Rocky claiming his gun was a prop. Prosecutors warned the jury not to be swayed by his celebrity status. Spoiler: they were. But hey, as long as he’s free for the Met Gala, right?
Exoplanet with iron rain has violent winds 'like something out of science fiction'
Acidly: Welcome to WASP-121 b, a hellhole 900 light-years away where it's so hot that it rains iron droplets. Who needs tropical storms when you have metallic monsoons? Astronomers, armed with the Very Large Telescope, found winds that would make even the fiercest hurricane look like a gentle breeze. Imagine jet streams churning molten metal as one side simmers in the sun while the other chills. Apparently, knowing how to mess with weather is universal. Good luck competing with that, Earth!
The Good Ol'Ads
Delta plane crash latest: 'Extreme conditions' at Toronto airport in days before crash
Acidly: Delta Flight 4819 crashed and flipped at Toronto Pearson, but hey, at least it wasn't during a snowstorm this time! After Toronto got pelted with more snow than a snowman convention, things finally cleared. The president of the airport praised everyone involved—because who doesn’t deserve a medal for paving the way to modernization? Meanwhile, 21 passengers went on a hospital joyride, but don’t worry, their injuries ranged from "just a scratch" to a dramatic flair for the critical. Ah, aviation.
iPhone 17 Air and iPhone 17 Pro design leaks are too strange to ignore
Acidly: Ah, the iPhone 17 saga continues. This time, Apple is treating us to variations dubbed iPhone 17 Air and iPhone 17 Pro. Exciting, right? Well, if "bold" means slapping a "radical" name on what looks like the same old candy bar design, then yes! But don't worry, nostalgia's alive and well as we reminisce about weary iPhone designs that all look like previous models. So, will we get a camera bar or… a further gimmick? Place your bets, folks! The cycle of monotony spins on!
Do you need a measles booster? Here’s what experts say
Acidly: So, folks, measles is back, strutting around like it owns the place, particularly in anti-vax havens. Last year saw 285 cases—the highest since 2019. Atlanta? New Mexico? West Texas? They're all getting cozy with their itchy guest. With misinformation feeding vaccine hesitancy, even kindergarteners are lining up for exemptions. Remember when measles was dead? Well, thanks to the parents who think "research" means scrolling on Facebook, it’s back, and it's worse than ever. Cheers to that!