Trump warns Zelenskyy to quickly negotiate war's end with Russia or risk not having a nation to lead
Acidly: In a stunning display of diplomacy, Trump clued in Zelenskyy that he needs to strike a deal fast, lest he lose his country. Who knew negotiating could hinge on urgency and not, say, actual strategy? Meanwhile, Zelenskyy insists Trump offers ammunition straight from Putin’s propaganda playbook. Is it too much to expect a former president to, I don’t know, support an ally being invaded? But hey, it’s just Ukraine—a country fighting for its survival! Good luck, Volodymyr; you’re going to need it.
Migrants Deported to Panama by Trump Administration Taken to Jungle Camp
Acidly: Nearly 100 migrants, after a delightful stay at a Panamanian hotel, have been sent to a jungle detention camp that’s apparently a "migrant camp," according to Panama’s deputy foreign minister. Conditions? Think of a zoo without the cuddly animals. One deportee lamented the "stale bread" and "sitting on the floor" experience. Meanwhile, the charming camp is “for their protection” while they wait to see if they’ll be deported back to the same hell they fled. What a vacation this is!
Pope's health sees slight improvement, says Vatican
Acidly: The Vatican reports that Pope Francis has had a "slight improvement" in health after six days of battling pneumonia. He's now alert enough to joke with Italy's Prime Minister, who is as enthusiastic about his recovery as one can be at an infirmary. Meanwhile, he’s still stuck in a hospital room, trading in his papal robe for pajamas. Good thing there are well-wishers outside praying like it’s going to magically cure him. With luck, he’ll be able to dodge Sunday Mass. Don't hold your breath!
The Good Ol'Ads
SEC, Big Ten discussing new formats for football championship weekend
Acidly: In a shocking twist, the SEC is considering transforming its championship weekend into a carnival of play-in games, where the eighth seed may have a chance to pummel the top dog. What a delightful concept—because who doesn’t want to watch minions take a shot at the kings of the gridiron? And with the Big Ten in on the fun, they’re brewing up ideas that could involve the fate of teams hanging by a thread, all in the name of “exciting” football in November. Who knew chaos could be so lucrative?
Blake Lively Adds Claims From 2 Other Women to Justin Baldoni Lawsuit
Acidly: In the latest Hollywood circus, Blake Lively's lawsuit against Justin Baldoni seeks to illuminate alleged on-set misconduct and sexual harassment in “It Ends With Us.” Lively claims she’s not alone; two unnamed actresses allegedly support her circus act, but really, what's a drama without girl gossip? Baldoni counterclaims, accusing Lively of a smear campaign. It's all very gripping, of course, but perhaps a masterclass in tarnishing reputations before Hollywood’s next big hit, isn’t it? Stay tuned; this legal soap opera isn’t over yet!
Odds of asteroid hitting Earth in 2032 rose again
Acidly: Oh joy, mark your calendars for 2032 because the majestic 2024 YR4 asteroid, the size of a football field, is flirting with Earth. NASA, in its infinite wisdom, assures us there's “no cause for concern.” Right, because history shows that big rocks soaring through space never cause any drama. Sure, we’ll just keep sipping our lattes and ignore those cosmic death threats. Let’s hope we make it to the next Super Bowl—because if this asteroid hits, it might just be the final touchdown for humanity.
The Good Ol'Ads
US Federal Reserve warns Trump's tariffs may increase prices
Acidly: Ah, another day in the circus that is American economics. The Federal Reserve warns that if Trump goes ahead with those delightful tariffs, prices may skyrocket—because who doesn’t love paying more for essentials? Meanwhile, Uncle Sam’s bank is caught in a tug-of-war, trying to maintain its "independence" while Trump barks for rate cuts like a kid in a candy store. Spoiler alert: rates might not budge until 2025. Sit tight, folks! All aboard the economic rollercoaster—with no safety harnesses in sight!
Apple Unveils New Lower-Priced iPhone With A.I. Features
Acidly: Apple's latest marketing trick? Meet the iPhone 16e—because what the world really needs is an overpriced phone with something called "Apple Intelligence." Sure, it'll cost $599, a charming spike from the last model, but who needs a home button or Touch ID? Face ID is obviously a thriving feature from 2017. Sales tanking? Blame AI! Oh, and while they claim A.I. isn’t driving purchases, they’ll still use it as an excuse for pumping up prices. Welcome to the future, folks! Enjoy the eye-rolling.
What to know about measles
Acidly: In West Texas, measles is making a comeback, thanks to a cadre of unvaccinated kindergartners and parents brainwashed by misinformation. The "delightful" illness can lead to fun complications like blindness and pneumonia. Just imagine the joy of spotting cough, red eyes, and a congested nose in your kid—congratulations, you might have a measles party! The CDC's target for vaccination is 95%, but we’ve been missing it for four years. Keep spreading those wild ideas, folks; who needs immunity anyway?