Judge blocks Trump’s executive order ending federal support for DEI programs
Acidly: A federal judge shoved a wrench in Trump's plans to ax DEI programs like they were last week's leftovers. U.S. District Judge Adam Abelson ruled his executive orders likely trampled constitutional rights – you know, little things like free speech. The plaintiffs, including Baltimore, are arguing that the orders threaten the very essence of support for marginalized groups. Because apparently, trying to dismantle decades of progress is just a casual Tuesday for Trump. Spoiler: it’s not his kingdom, and he doesn’t wear the crown.
Netanyahu decries release of wrong body as a ceasefire violation. Hamas pledges to investigate
Acidly: In a twist that only adds to the circus, Israeli PM Netanyahu is fuming over Hamas's "oopsie" body swap—handing over the wrong corpse after a fragile ceasefire. Instead of the grieving mother of two, Israel got a mystery woman from Gaza. Netanyahu's threats of vengeance are as effective as a wet noodle while families plead for their loved ones instead of bloodshed. Meanwhile, Trump’s vision of turning Gaza into a tourist trap is still floundering, because who wouldn't want to vacation amidst rubble and ruin? Ah, peace.
Tommy Cash: Estonia’s Eurovision song entry sparks outrage in Italy, with claims it’s ‘offensive’
Acidly: Well, it seems Estonia's entry into Eurovision has ruffled some very Italian feathers. Tommy Cash’s “Espresso Macchiato” combines English, Italian, and a mountain of stereotypes, drawing the ire of Codacons. They whined that it’s “offensive” and sends us back to the mafia days. A senator declared it pure nonsense, while some confused Italians online oddly decided they liked it. Who knew ironic clichés could cause such a ruckus? The EBU has a mess on their hands, but hey, that's Eurovision for you.
The Good Ol'Ads
4 Nations Face-Off final performs better than any NHL game, ever
Acidly: The 4 Nations Face-Off dazzled with 9.3 million viewers, outshining any NHL game in history. Who knew hockey had fans? Now, the NHL must figure out how to keep this fleeting interest alive—good luck with that! The solution? Ditch the snooze-fest of a regular season in favor of more of these international barnburners. As for the NBA and MLB, they can just dream of replicating this. Sorry NFL, no one cares about your pompous gridiron. Congrats, hockey; you finally did something right!
Diddy Defense In Disarray As Top Lawyer Quits Ahead Of Sex Trafficking Trial; Feds Accuse Sean Combs Of Trying To “Relitigate” With Delay Tactics
Acidly: Just two months from Sean "Diddy" Combs’ trial for sex trafficking, his defense team is falling apart like a cheap hotel bed. Top lawyer Anthony Ricco wants out, citing some vague "attorney/client privilege" mumbo jumbo. Apparently, chaos reigns as they throw legal spaghetti at a wall, praying something sticks before May 5. Meanwhile, Diddy’s shooting off lawsuits faster than he can dodge accusations, claiming racism in prosecution while holed up in a Brooklyn jail. Not a good look.
Phew! The risk of that asteroid hitting Earth in 2032 has significantly lowered
Acidly: Asteroid 2024 YR4 is playing a game of cosmic roulette, slipping from a “terrifyingly high” chance of doom at 3.1% to a mere 0.16%. Great news, right? Well, it's still enough oomph to level a city, so don’t break out the champagne just yet. Meanwhile, NASA and ESA are turning telescopes into glorified asteroid watchers, hoping their infrared wizardry will keep us safe. And let’s not forget the moon—now facing a 1% chance of a heavenly smackdown. Cheers to space drama!
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow tumbles more than 700 points as inflation and tariff fears mount
Acidly: Stock markets took a nosedive, because Americans are understandably panicking about rising prices and Trump's tariffs rebooting the inflation drama. The Dow dropped 748 points—just a casual 1.7%—for a two-day total of 1,200. Consumer sentiment? Oh, it's spiraling down 10%, as everyone collectively dreads paying more for everything. Walmart's growth is hitting the brakes because surprise—fear of higher costs is a party pooper. But hey, at least we're not in a recession… yet. Cheers!
Apple Denies Speculation Surrounding iPhone 16e's Lack of MagSafe
Acidly: Apple has cleared the air, or rather, added another layer of mystery, confirming that the new iPhone 16e’s lack of MagSafe isn't due to its shiny C1 modem. Shocker! Apparently, those mysterious magnets won't mess with cellular signals—according to a case maker who totally won’t be swayed by Apple’s checks. So why is MagSafe MIA? Surprise! It’s all about cutting corners, or should we say, costs. Pre-orders are live, folks. Let the empty wallets rejoice!
Texas measles outbreak reaches 90 cases; 9 cases in New Mexico
Acidly: In Texas, a measles outbreak is spreading like gossip at a family reunion, with 90 cases reported across seven counties—most in Gaines County, where kids are as likely to be vaccinated as they are to win the lottery. Nine cases have jumped to New Mexico, potentially hinting at a viral road trip. Of course, these aren't the exciting kind of trips—more likely high fevers and rashes. With unvaccinated children leading the charge, health officials expect this insatiable virus to keep growing. Excellent choice, Texas!