At CPAC, Trump Revels in Political Payback
Acidly: In a lavish celebration of his vengeful persona, Trump graced the CPAC stage, reliving his crusade against the Biden administration while surrounded by his favorite pardoned felons. “We’re sending those bureaucrats packing!” he gleefully proclaimed, complete with a cheer from the January 6 crowd waving their prison records. There was Mike Lindell, the pillow tycoon, clinging desperately to delusions of election fraud, and Tarrio, fresh off his latest arrest. It was a true showcase of broken dreams and broken laws. Bravo, America!
Pope Francis' condition remains critical after suffering 'asthmatic respiratory crisis': Vatican
Acidly: Pope Francis is experiencing an asthmatic episode that's apparently making even walking to the confessional sound like a marathon. With doctors playing oxygen supply as his personal life support, it's no wonder the Vatican's buzzword is “critical.” Between anemia and low platelets, it seems his body is collectively giving up faster than a sinner in confession. While he sits in pain trying to channel some divine strength, let’s just hope he can muster the energy to skip Sunday mass—he's earned it.
Estonia’s Eurovision song entry sparks outrage in Italy, with claims it’s ‘offensive’
Acidly: Oh, look! Estonia’s Tommy Cash is serving Italy a steaming cup of stereotype with “Espresso Macchiato.” Nothing screams "European brotherhood" like rapping about tobacco, luxury, and mafia clichés. Italians are up in arms, calling for the song's ban—apparently, they weren’t ready for their culture to be reduced to a three-minute cringe-fest. Some think it’s hilarious irony, while others think it’s about as welcome as a faux Italian at a family dinner. Eurovision just leveled up in the absurdity department.
The Good Ol'Ads
Fight results: Bivol defeats Beterbiev, becomes undisputed champ
Acidly: In a dazzling show of boxing, Dmitry Bivol redeemed his October loss to Artur Beterbiev with a majority decision victory that’s already lost all its glamour. The rematch, a gripping 36 minutes, was merely the same dance in different shoes. Bivol, now the undisputed champ, had the audacity to stand flat-footed and pretend it was skill while Beterbiev gassed himself out. Despite a late scare, Bivol clutched victory amidst a sea of judges’ indecision. Nothing like dodgeball with punches to decide it all, huh?
Spirit Awards Winners List – Updating Live
Acidly: Anora's big night at the Film Independent Spirit Awards was a shiny distraction from indie film's harsh reality. Sean Baker, crowned Best Director, cried that creators are scraping by, but hey, at least they won shiny trophies, right? Mikey Madison nabbed the gender-neutral lead award, because why not throw in some buzzwords? Meanwhile, A Real Pain and Didi stole some spotlight too. The Oscars await, but let's face it: these indie titans are still one bad Netflix special from obscurity. Next!
NASA Keeps Changing The Odds Of Asteroid Hit
Acidly: Ah, the YR4 asteroid, a delightful little cosmic game of roulette set for 2032. Discovered in December, it’s got a "small chance" of obliterating us. Scientists, in their infinite wisdom, keep shifting the odds like a poker player bluffing. One day we're safe, the next we’re toast. So, sit tight, hold your breath, and keep your fingers crossed while these geniuses play with our fate. At least it'll make a great story for our final seconds. Cheers to uncertainty!
The Good Ol'Ads
Warren Buffett offers Donald Trump some advice while celebrating Berkshire Hathaway's success
Acidly: In his latest love letter to shareholders, Warren Buffett patteringly praised Berkshire Hathaway's success while subtly jabbing at government spending. After a decade of zero taxes, he bragged about coughing up $26.8 billion last year—perfect for Uncle Sam to squander. He's passing the reins to Abel, who’ll surely replicate Buffett's brand of brilliance. But don’t pop the champagne just yet; half of their 189 companies are floundering. Cheers to a shorter shareholder shindig—less time for Q&A means fewer awkward questions!
The iPhone 16e proves we do need Qualcomm for 5G in North America
Acidly: Apple's latest budget iPhone, the 16e, features an underwhelming in-house modem because who doesn't want a flagship that refuses to flag? Good news: it won't compete with Qualcomm's offerings, especially in the millimeter-wave 5G department, which means users can look forward to slower speeds and less coverage—fun! So, instead of revolutionizing, Apple just reminds us that it can still fall short despite its massive R&D budget. Guess they just wanted to keep the “cheap” in “budget phone” real.
US measles outbreak sickens nearly 100 in Texas, New Mexico
Acidly: In a masterclass of irony, Texas and New Mexico are battling a measles outbreak, just shy of 100 cases, primarily in unvaccinated kiddos. Health officials are scratching their heads, while parents embrace their freedom to potentially doom future generations. Measles is making its comeback, likely because "conscientious exemptions" sound fancy to those allergic to science. So, while kids develop fevers and rashes, the real triumph is the cavalcade of ignorance parading as parental rights. Bravo, America!