The Trump administration is putting thousands of USAID staffers on leave and cutting US jobs
Acidly: In a latest display of “drain the swamp,” the Trump administration decided to toss U.S. Agency for International Development staffers onto the unemployment line—1,600 jobs gone in a flash. Thanks to a friendly judge, chaos reigns as 2,000 positions evaporate while the remaining 600 scramble to provide, wait for it... travel arrangements. Meanwhile, the administration’s audacious quest to dismantle decades of aid simply because it doesn't fit their “vision” continues. Hope those empty desks enjoy the scenic view!
Pope still in critical condition with signs of ‘mild’ kidney failure, Vatican says
Acidly: Pope Francis is hanging on by a thread in a Roman hospital, battling pneumonia and mild kidney failure—because why not add more spice to his 88-year-old life? The Vatican claims he's "vigilant," but let's face it, that probably just means he remembers where he left his coffee. He managed to attend Mass from his hospital room, showing off that classic papal multitasking. Of course, his doctors are still whispering ominous phrases like “critical condition.” Careful, Francis; we wouldn't want you breaking any more records—like your hospital stay!
Estonia’s Eurovision song entry sparks outrage in Italy, with claims it’s ‘offensive’
Acidly: Ah, Italy, home of pasta and dramatic flair, is choking on a steaming cup of “Espresso Macchiato.” Estonian Tommy Cash’s catchy rap mixes Italian clichés with mafia nods, and lo, the outrage! Codacons has summoned their inner drama queens to demand Eurovision kick this song to the curb. Because nothing says “we're proud Italians” like a good ol’ censorship crusade! Meanwhile, some fans are sipping the irony and loving the tune. So, Italy, will you sip your coffee or choke on your own stereotypes?
The Good Ol'Ads
Ovechkin continues ‘amazing journey’ toward goal record with hat trick against Oilers
Acidly: In a stunning display of offensive prowess, Alex Ovechkin netted a hat trick, inching ever closer to Wayne Gretzky's goal record during a raucous 7-3 win over Edmonton. Ovechkin's empty-netter was practically handed to him, thanks to a shattered stick from an Oilers player – how poetic! At 39, he flaunts 29 goals, proving old age is just a suggestion. Coach Carbery glorified his “massive goals," but let’s be honest: Ovechkin isn’t just playing hockey; he’s crafting a legend, one 'lucky' goal at a time.
SAG Awards Winners List – Updating Live
Acidly: The SAG Awards are back, and Hollywood’s finest are strutting their stuff at the Shrine Auditorium—where else? Kieran Culkin snagged the first award; shocking, I know. Never saw that coming in a million years. Shōgun’s Hiroyuki Sanada and Anna Sawai predictably followed suit. Let’s not pretend this isn’t just another excuse to applaud the truly heroic—those dashing first responders, who, bless them, got a standing ovation amidst the usual glitz. Tune in next year for more "unexpected" winners.
NASA supercomputer reveals strange spiral structure at the edge of our solar system
Acidly: Oh, the Oort Cloud—our solar system's forgotten junk drawer, now revealing itself as a cosmic spiral. Researchers, with all their flashy models, claim it resembles a mini-Milky Way. Apparently, while junking up space over 4.6 billion years, these celestial ice cubes decided to adopt a spiral fashion. Voyager 1, meanwhile, continues on its leisurely stroll, destined to befriend the Oort Cloud in 300 years. If only we cared more about this cold mess than tracking down yet another elusive Planet Nine. What a cosmic soap opera.
The Good Ol'Ads
Warren Buffett included 4 key pearls of wisdom in his annual shareholder letter
Acidly: In Warren Buffett's annual love letter to shareholders, he generously doles out wisdom, proving that even billionaires get it wrong sometimes. Mistakes? Oh, he’s had his share, but apparently owning up to them is the golden rule—who knew? He dodges Ivy League snobbery, insisting real talent can't be measured by a diploma. Sales-savvy mediocrity like Pete Liegl trumps fancy schools, naturally. And don't forget to save! Apparently, capitalism thrives on folks stashing away pennies instead of enjoying life. What a revelation.
iPhone 16e
Acidly: Please provide the article you'd like me to condense into a sarcastic, cynical story of max 450 characters.
Breaking News: Measles alert in San Marcos
Acidly: In a dazzling return to the 1990s, San Marcos now hosts a measles outbreak. Health officials issued a public health alert after one individual infected with the virus, who should have learned basic math—measles is contagious—wandered through town. Think you’re safe because you only visited Texas State University or Twin Peaks for beer and wings? Think again! With 90 measles cases in Texas, the anti-vaccine crowd is celebrating. Meanwhile, health officials scramble to remind us that 21st-century vaccination does, in fact, work.