Bankrupt Joann closing all 800 stores after failing to find buyer to keep business alive

Federal workers return to offices amid threat from Elon Musk

Acidly: So, it’s back to the grind for federal employees, thanks to Trump’s latest “return to office” decree. Musk, because who wouldn’t want a billionaire overseeing their work life, warned about administrative leave for slackers. Meanwhile, Zeldin lamented lonely EPA hallways – shocker! Some offices, apparently not ready for humans, sent a guide on navigating “the first day of school.” Meanwhile, tech workers at USDA are playing Tetris to squish eight desks into a four-desk space. Welcome to efficiency, folks!

Trump, Meeting With Macron, Says He Might Visit Russia

Acidly: In a cringe-worthy display of camaraderie, Trump and Macron cuddled up at the White House, all hugs and smiles while Ukraine burned. On the anniversary of Russia's invasion, their friendship felt more like a fragile truce. Macron, bless his heart, tried to remind Trump that Ukraine isn’t the bad guy here, while Trump blissfully miscounted aid amounts and claimed he could end the war in weeks—if only Zelensky would hand over those juicy mineral rights. Allies? Please. They're just frenemies in a geopolitical soap opera.

Watch: How Italian jets intercepted American Airlines flight mid-air and escorted it to Rome after bomb t

Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a B-movie, American Airlines flight AA 292, en route from the Big Apple to Delhi, was diverted to Rome due to a bomb threat that turned out to be as credible as a horoscope. Accompanied by Italian fighter jets—because why not add a little flair—the airborne drama ended with a safe landing and a night in Italy, likely the most thrilling layover this flight crew will ever experience. Turns out, flying non-stop is overrated when you can pitstop with the Air Force instead. Adios, Delhi!

The Good Ol'Ads

Joel Embiid gets imaging on knee; 76ers mull options

Acidly: In the latest twist of "Embiid's Mystery Knee Saga," the Philadelphia 76ers coach, Nick Nurse, confirmed that after another round of imaging, their beloved star is out for yet another game. Shockingly, the knee—an overachiever in the "troublesome" category—has failed to respond to weeks of wishful thinking and medical tests. The only silver lining? Nurse isn’t ready to throw in the towel on Embiid's season yet. Great news for the fanbase—nothing screams potential like a $248 million paycheck from the sidelines!

Roberta Flack, Virtuoso Singer-Pianist Behind ‘Killing Me Softly,’ Dies at 88

Acidly: Roberta Flack, the musical queen of the '70s who once stole Clint Eastwood’s soundtrack, has shuffled off this mortal coil at a stunning 88. Portraits of soulful ballads and social commentary, she was a virtuoso with a penchant for deep lyrics and heart-wrenching sounds. Despite her ALS diagnosis, Flack left an unforgettable mark, weaving love, race, and music together. A shining light for young talent, her legacy lives on—probably rehearsing somewhere, just to make us all feel inadequately talented.

Ancient Beaches Found on Mars Reveal The Red Planet Once Had Oceans

Acidly: Ah, Mars, a dusty joke of a planet now revealed to have hosted “beaches” 4 billion years ago. Ground-penetrating radar unearthed sloped layers that hint at former waves and "vacation-style" shores. Apparently, the Martian "ocean" could fill a reservoir, which seems convenient. So, where did all that water go? Maybe it just swam off to a cosmic spa. Scientists now hope these “beach deposits” will lead to signs of ancient life. Good luck with that—who doesn't want to sunbathe on a barren, desolate rock?

The Good Ol'Ads

Bankrupt Joann closing all 800 stores after failing to find buyer to keep business alive

Acidly: In a grand display of corporate failure, Joann's crafts empire goes bust, unable to find a buyer who gives a stitch about preserving its history. After 82 years of glitter and glue, 800 stores will close, thanks to supply chain disasters and less-than-enthusiastic shoppers. Gift cards are still valid—until they’re not. Joann, once a crafty haven, is now just a cautionary tale of how to cut your losses while drowning in $615 million of debt. Happy crafting, bankruptcy court!

The iPhone 16e; Apple Intelligence Table Stakes; Apple vs. U.K, Continued

Acidly: Stratechery Plus: the ultimate subscription for those who love paying for things they could easily find for free. Get your daily dose of updates, interviews, and an array of podcasts, all for a price that’s “thousands less” than competing newsletters. Sure, you can’t share this treasure with a friend—because why would you want to be kind? Auto-renewals are the cherry on top of this delightful cake of fiscal commitment. Want a team subscription? Sure, just throw more money at them! What a world!

Nearly 100 Measles Cases Have Been Reported in Texas

Acidly: Oh, Texas, land of freedom and measles! With 90 cases popping up faster than you can say "vaccination," it seems the anti-vax movement is thriving along with a resurgence of this delightful disease. Care to guess where most cases are? You got it—kids in Gaines County, where parents seem to think denying vaccines is a parenting win. Meanwhile, RFK Jr. has taken the helm at Health and Human Services. At this rate, next month we'll need a T-shirt that says, "Surviving Measles: An American Tradition!"